I am self-loathing. I hate my autistic traits always wanting to be a smart-ass. It is so shallow that this is my whole identity.
I am reading political articles like every single day almost always. But I am not smart enough to keep up with the pace. The more I understand about a topic, the more do I think I know nothing about it. The right conclusion would to less opinionated about every single topic. But I can resist to to spread my bullshit. It is easier to have a strong opinion on something, if you don't know the facts at all.
There is a quote from Max Frisch. "Crisis can be a productive state. You just have to take away the aftertaste of the disaster."
I am not sure whether it was good I almost killed myself last year. I met a woman from a dating app shortly afterwards and maybe I would have done that in case I did not do it. But I don't know what would have happened if I didn't do it. And only retrospectively I can say whether it would have been good or bad if my life ended that day.
I am in a lot of pain. I try to educate myself because of it. Because this defines my personality. In some sense this is improving. Or in another sense: my threads might help people on SaSu to distract themselves from their personal living hell. In my self-help group they told me they like listening to me because when they hear my problems their issues feel so minor. There was a woman who could open herself after listening to me. She was able to talk about intimate things. Which she could not do beforehand.
I think I can be pretty open and emotional in this group. But only because I sound smart. It is like a defense mechanism. I differentiate myself from ignorant people. People who would judge me for speaking so openly. But it is also like a class difference. I might feel in some ways superior. Which is pretty ugly. And probably is caused by being bullied extensively as a teenager. But I became the bully myself with it. I don't mock anyone. But I realized some of my humor is "look that guy is so stupid". I am not sure on it. I like Ali G when he pretends to be extremely stupid interviewing these intellectuals. Or I loved The Boondocks. There was this teacher who used the N word and the episode was based on a real teacher. It was hilarious. I posted this video on here. Boondocks is a political satire. The show is comical for breaking taboos. It is rather seldom the punchline is "look they are so stupid".
I think most of my suffering is wasted. I will never be able to hold a job. A real expert specializes himself. Even my self-awareness is useless when I only suffer because of it. My self-consciousness is rather paralyzing and decreases my well-being. I will never be at peace with myself.
My traumatas caused a lot of pain. But they made me pretty dysfunctional. Maybe I would be dysfunctional anyway. The autism thing in inherited.
I am reading political articles like every single day almost always. But I am not smart enough to keep up with the pace. The more I understand about a topic, the more do I think I know nothing about it. The right conclusion would to less opinionated about every single topic. But I can resist to to spread my bullshit. It is easier to have a strong opinion on something, if you don't know the facts at all.
There is a quote from Max Frisch. "Crisis can be a productive state. You just have to take away the aftertaste of the disaster."
I am not sure whether it was good I almost killed myself last year. I met a woman from a dating app shortly afterwards and maybe I would have done that in case I did not do it. But I don't know what would have happened if I didn't do it. And only retrospectively I can say whether it would have been good or bad if my life ended that day.
I am in a lot of pain. I try to educate myself because of it. Because this defines my personality. In some sense this is improving. Or in another sense: my threads might help people on SaSu to distract themselves from their personal living hell. In my self-help group they told me they like listening to me because when they hear my problems their issues feel so minor. There was a woman who could open herself after listening to me. She was able to talk about intimate things. Which she could not do beforehand.
I think I can be pretty open and emotional in this group. But only because I sound smart. It is like a defense mechanism. I differentiate myself from ignorant people. People who would judge me for speaking so openly. But it is also like a class difference. I might feel in some ways superior. Which is pretty ugly. And probably is caused by being bullied extensively as a teenager. But I became the bully myself with it. I don't mock anyone. But I realized some of my humor is "look that guy is so stupid". I am not sure on it. I like Ali G when he pretends to be extremely stupid interviewing these intellectuals. Or I loved The Boondocks. There was this teacher who used the N word and the episode was based on a real teacher. It was hilarious. I posted this video on here. Boondocks is a political satire. The show is comical for breaking taboos. It is rather seldom the punchline is "look they are so stupid".
I think most of my suffering is wasted. I will never be able to hold a job. A real expert specializes himself. Even my self-awareness is useless when I only suffer because of it. My self-consciousness is rather paralyzing and decreases my well-being. I will never be at peace with myself.
My traumatas caused a lot of pain. But they made me pretty dysfunctional. Maybe I would be dysfunctional anyway. The autism thing in inherited.
