bunch of nonsense

[nails]

i literally posted that goodbye post last month, so i'm a little embarrassed. my intentions and plans are still mostly the same. i think i made it somewhat clear, but i never had any immediate plans to ctb, i was going to wait a few weeks. i've already passed the set timeframe that i had for my ctb, embarrassing. i won't lie, i have put it off due to fear and a bit of laziness. i keep making up reasons to stay longer, and also finding genuinely valid reasons to stay. it seems that i can only do this shit on a whim, which doesn't really work with sn. all of my past attempts, including an sn attempt, have been impulsive. i can't even find a day where i'll be by myself for more than an hour, there's always someone around. i've thought of some ways around that, but i guess i'll see what happens when i get there. i can't fathom the possibility of surviving another attempt, it can't happen. the fear of surviving is so strong, i get so anxious just thinking about the outcomes. i've decided that living like this forever is significantly scarier than failing an attempt, but it's still terrifying. i don't fear death as much as i used to, it's hardly even a factor. i just can't get over the fear of surviving. if anyone has any words of wisdom, it'd be greatly appreciated.

i feel so shitty all of the time. there's never a good time to ctb, but i keep trying to find one. i don't want to ruin anything for anyone, but it's inevitable. i didn't want to do it right before christmas because i didn't want to ruin the holiday for my family. i don't want to do it right after christmas because i don't want my family to feel as if they wasted their money on gifts. it sucks, they hardly even show care towards me, they treat me like shit, they don't even care when their coworkers sexually harass me, but i still feel guilty when they throw a few dollars on some gifts for me. i wish i could be less stupid about these things. they don't give me an ounce of consideration in any situation, but i'm overthinking this personal decision because i'm worried about them.

life is still unbearable. i've had to work every single day for the past 20ish days, and that's been a decent distraction. it's kinda nice when you just don't have the time to be depressed. it doesn't work all of the time, sometimes everything hits in a way that's completely unavoidable. i've broken down at work, sometimes i unexpectedly burst into tears as soon as i have a moment to myself. i feel so miserable. i'm tired of living, i'm tired of hating everything, i'm tired of being lonely, i'm tired of being tired all of the time. i can't see myself going on much longer at all, i have to ctb, but i still have to get over this stupid fear and these stupid fantasies and just do it.

i hate how pathetic i am. i still think about these extremely unlikely miracles that could occur and push me to live even longer. some of these things aren't necessarily impossible, but they won't happen. i guess you could call it hope. i don't necessarily want to die, at least not in this current moment. i'd choose these things over death, but i don't even have the choice. i daydream of realities where these things happen, but then i feel like shit when i realize my actual situation. i have nothing else. the short, small bursts of happiness that these daydreams bring me are all i have. they don't last long, but i'll take any joy that i can get for now.

i only left this site when i did because venting wasn't helping, but i'll keep trying. i just want something to make me feel better. i keep grasping at straws and trying things that have already failed, idk what to do. i know it's insanity and just stupid, but i'm just so tired of feeling like shit all of the time. i have nothing and no one to turn to, everything is just shit.

 

[cakedog]

it looks like you're going through a lot
if you're still scared to ctb and still grasping to some hope i think it's worth looking into that more deeply to see if your life can improve and become more tolerable at least
but if you consider that ctb is the only solution i wish you well don't really think you're going to survive an attempt if you follow the procedure but finding the right circumstances like alone time is a huge task

 

[nails]

it looks like you're going through a lot
if you're still scared to ctb and still grasping to some hope i think it's worth looking into that more deeply to see if your life can improve and become more tolerable at least
but if you consider that ctb is the only solution i wish you well don't really think you're going to survive an attempt if you follow the procedure but finding the right circumstances like alone time is a huge task

thank you for the response
i really don't think my life can improve in a long-term way, i'll have to ctb eventually because i'm just cooked. for basically my entire life, my plan was to live until things became unbearable. now, i'm just looking/waiting for things to make living more bearable. i'm at a point where there are only a few specific things that could make that happen, but i don't have much control over most of those things.

thank you again. wishing you the best