Surek02
New Member
- Aug 26, 2025
- 2
Hey, folks.
I stumbled upon this site by chance (one of the search engines indexed it), and after seeing what people write about here, I decided I could also write a post...
In it, I could talk a little about myself, about my feelings, and process my own thoughts. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last (unfortunately), right?
I'm a guy, 24 years old, born and living in Belarus. I was a mediocre student, I haven't achieved anything in life (to be honest, I didn't strive for it), and I'm unemployed. I've never been in a relationship, but I once had the courage to confess my love to a guy from my group in "college" (what was I even thinking?).
Depression has been with me for a long time, for about 10 years, if my memory serves me right. My "relationship" with it has been complicated.
I hated myself and this world. I considered myself a useless, unwanted piece of shit.
I had suicidal thoughts and contemplated ending my life, but I never made any concrete plans.
After somehow getting through school and then "college" (a very generous name for the institution where I studied), I was sent to a mandatory one-year work assignment.
For me, it was Hell.
I hoped that after a few months, they would send me to the army. Yes, the army is far from the best option, but back then I was ready to grasp at any straw.
However, they didn't send me. The psychiatric commission gave me what I consider a "catch-all" diagnosis (psycho-neurotic personality disorder). They told me I was unfit for service in peacetime and sent me back to finish my work assignment.
After that, I tried to end my life twice. However, back then I didn't know about PPH, and my knowledge was quite poor. Due to a fear of pain (and the law), I tried legal substances – caffeine, then drotaverine. But, as you can see, I'm still here.
I didn't make any more attempts, and in the end, I managed to survive that damn work assignment.
At this point, my life entered a phase of stagnation. I didn't renew my contract and, much to my mother's displeasure (and my own shame), I started living off her.
For the last 4 years, I've been living like a hikikomori. I mostly leave the house to go to the store, and I spend almost all my free time on the internet.
During this time, my depression hasn't gone away; it still drains me both physically and mentally. However, something in me has changed.
First – I stopped hating myself. I have flaws, yes, but nobody's perfect, right? And I'm not such a worthless piece of shit as I once thought. Besides, there are people who care about me.
Second – along with the thoughts of leaving this world, I also started to feel a desire to be in it for as long as possible (a paradox).
I love this world, despite its flaws, and I don't really want to leave it. I find it interesting to observe it and watch how it develops.
But at the same time – it's hard. It's hard to live in it because of this fucking mental cancer. And no one is to blame for me having it. I just got unlucky.
Over these ten years, I did make periodic attempts to get help, though I often had to force myself. I saw a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and was hospitalized in a psychiatric clinic. But it didn't help, and soon I gave up...
I have enough knowledge now, and I acquired SN back in the spring. In my country, you can literally buy it by the kilogram through a Russian marketplace.
But it's one thing to acquire it, and another to plan, since I'm in no real hurry to leave this world...
I'm not afraid of the afterlife, and what's more, I'm curious about it.
I hold an atheistic worldview, so I expect there's nothing after death. But at the same time, I'm fascinated by mythologies and various divine pantheons.
If there is no afterlife, I won't be disappointed (since I wouldn't be able to xD), and if there is one, I hope the Gods will be merciful to me.
But I am scared of dying. That's just instinct, though, and there's probably not much you can do about it...
I guess I'll end it here, this has turned into a whole wall of text. I don't know how a AI will translate all of this with the Russian idioms x), I hope it turns out to be something readable.
By the way, it's cool that this site exists, but it's a shame that society isn't ready to lift the taboo on this topic yet...
Peace to you, folks. I hope you'll all be okay.
I stumbled upon this site by chance (one of the search engines indexed it), and after seeing what people write about here, I decided I could also write a post...
In it, I could talk a little about myself, about my feelings, and process my own thoughts. I'm not the first, nor will I be the last (unfortunately), right?
I'm a guy, 24 years old, born and living in Belarus. I was a mediocre student, I haven't achieved anything in life (to be honest, I didn't strive for it), and I'm unemployed. I've never been in a relationship, but I once had the courage to confess my love to a guy from my group in "college" (what was I even thinking?).
Depression has been with me for a long time, for about 10 years, if my memory serves me right. My "relationship" with it has been complicated.
I hated myself and this world. I considered myself a useless, unwanted piece of shit.
I had suicidal thoughts and contemplated ending my life, but I never made any concrete plans.
After somehow getting through school and then "college" (a very generous name for the institution where I studied), I was sent to a mandatory one-year work assignment.
For me, it was Hell.
I hoped that after a few months, they would send me to the army. Yes, the army is far from the best option, but back then I was ready to grasp at any straw.
However, they didn't send me. The psychiatric commission gave me what I consider a "catch-all" diagnosis (psycho-neurotic personality disorder). They told me I was unfit for service in peacetime and sent me back to finish my work assignment.
After that, I tried to end my life twice. However, back then I didn't know about PPH, and my knowledge was quite poor. Due to a fear of pain (and the law), I tried legal substances – caffeine, then drotaverine. But, as you can see, I'm still here.
I didn't make any more attempts, and in the end, I managed to survive that damn work assignment.
At this point, my life entered a phase of stagnation. I didn't renew my contract and, much to my mother's displeasure (and my own shame), I started living off her.
For the last 4 years, I've been living like a hikikomori. I mostly leave the house to go to the store, and I spend almost all my free time on the internet.
During this time, my depression hasn't gone away; it still drains me both physically and mentally. However, something in me has changed.
First – I stopped hating myself. I have flaws, yes, but nobody's perfect, right? And I'm not such a worthless piece of shit as I once thought. Besides, there are people who care about me.
Second – along with the thoughts of leaving this world, I also started to feel a desire to be in it for as long as possible (a paradox).
I love this world, despite its flaws, and I don't really want to leave it. I find it interesting to observe it and watch how it develops.
But at the same time – it's hard. It's hard to live in it because of this fucking mental cancer. And no one is to blame for me having it. I just got unlucky.
Over these ten years, I did make periodic attempts to get help, though I often had to force myself. I saw a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and was hospitalized in a psychiatric clinic. But it didn't help, and soon I gave up...
I have enough knowledge now, and I acquired SN back in the spring. In my country, you can literally buy it by the kilogram through a Russian marketplace.
But it's one thing to acquire it, and another to plan, since I'm in no real hurry to leave this world...
I'm not afraid of the afterlife, and what's more, I'm curious about it.
I hold an atheistic worldview, so I expect there's nothing after death. But at the same time, I'm fascinated by mythologies and various divine pantheons.
If there is no afterlife, I won't be disappointed (since I wouldn't be able to xD), and if there is one, I hope the Gods will be merciful to me.
But I am scared of dying. That's just instinct, though, and there's probably not much you can do about it...
I guess I'll end it here, this has turned into a whole wall of text. I don't know how a AI will translate all of this with the Russian idioms x), I hope it turns out to be something readable.
By the way, it's cool that this site exists, but it's a shame that society isn't ready to lift the taboo on this topic yet...
Peace to you, folks. I hope you'll all be okay.
