SoulWhisperer
Severe Medical Phobia « MtF »
- Nov 13, 2023
- 551
My life is a circus, a constant, misery. And the more I think "I got things" the more I discover I actually don't, it's a curse.
I wanted to CTB years ago, I had all planned in my mind to die the day before my birthday, I even marked it on my phone calendar to repeat on loop endlessly. Then realised the plan had a low success rate and high collateral damage chance, aborted.
After that followed a pair of years of high suicidality, I wanted to CTB so often and so much. Now things in life got much worse and I became afraid of dying??? How does this make sense??? 2 weeks ago I once again saw apparitions of death manifest and was scared of dying (it's a weird feeling hard to describe which involves death fusing with universe and the concept of space-time).
Key thing to note: I'M NOT LIVING MY LIFE AS OF NOW, I'M WASTING IT. And no, not the way my family keeps telling me, that I "wasted" my years, THEY wasted my years.
Before kicking the bucket I wish I could feel what love feels like, what it feels like to look at myself and affirm that I am a woman, I want to know how sex feels like, I want to know what being able to do what I want for 24h feels like. What doing drugs, smoking and drinking feel like.
People irl know me as either "the innocent guy" the "smart nerd guy" or the "psycho". And I gotta say, about the first, that shit is internally scariest for me. A reckless guy known to do shit 24/7 wouldn't amaze anyone if he turned out to be a drug addict, but what if it's someone who was seen as completely innocent all their life? Surely those kind of transformations don't seem completely impossible, but trust me, when YOU are the one in that position it becomes very much alienating.
I'm trapped and every year I spend is less years to LIVE, I already done fucked up a lot of things and in this earth you got TIME. You have 20-26 years to STUDY and prepare yourself and 40 years of BATTLE. Just like the Netflix show I'm seeing (The Rookie) if you start a career while you're middle aged you got HALF as much as the chances compared to someone who's "fresh out of the bunch".
Every year is less % of my transition working, my passing to be satisfying and my dysphoria of waning. It's terrifying.
And I'm not capable of doing shit, I don't have the ability to even make friends to help me learn and go through shit, it's a vicious cycle, Jesus Christ.
I could even end up dying or CTBing tomorrow and all of this wouldn't make sense, nothing I feel ever makes sense and as I said at the start: the more I think "I got it" the less I actually do.
I don't know why I was born so unlucky. I fucking wish I could find a person irl that would genuinely care for me, to help me. But realistically it's highly not happening...
God... Why... Why...
I wanted to CTB years ago, I had all planned in my mind to die the day before my birthday, I even marked it on my phone calendar to repeat on loop endlessly. Then realised the plan had a low success rate and high collateral damage chance, aborted.
After that followed a pair of years of high suicidality, I wanted to CTB so often and so much. Now things in life got much worse and I became afraid of dying??? How does this make sense??? 2 weeks ago I once again saw apparitions of death manifest and was scared of dying (it's a weird feeling hard to describe which involves death fusing with universe and the concept of space-time).
Key thing to note: I'M NOT LIVING MY LIFE AS OF NOW, I'M WASTING IT. And no, not the way my family keeps telling me, that I "wasted" my years, THEY wasted my years.
Before kicking the bucket I wish I could feel what love feels like, what it feels like to look at myself and affirm that I am a woman, I want to know how sex feels like, I want to know what being able to do what I want for 24h feels like. What doing drugs, smoking and drinking feel like.
People irl know me as either "the innocent guy" the "smart nerd guy" or the "psycho". And I gotta say, about the first, that shit is internally scariest for me. A reckless guy known to do shit 24/7 wouldn't amaze anyone if he turned out to be a drug addict, but what if it's someone who was seen as completely innocent all their life? Surely those kind of transformations don't seem completely impossible, but trust me, when YOU are the one in that position it becomes very much alienating.
I'm trapped and every year I spend is less years to LIVE, I already done fucked up a lot of things and in this earth you got TIME. You have 20-26 years to STUDY and prepare yourself and 40 years of BATTLE. Just like the Netflix show I'm seeing (The Rookie) if you start a career while you're middle aged you got HALF as much as the chances compared to someone who's "fresh out of the bunch".
Every year is less % of my transition working, my passing to be satisfying and my dysphoria of waning. It's terrifying.
And I'm not capable of doing shit, I don't have the ability to even make friends to help me learn and go through shit, it's a vicious cycle, Jesus Christ.
I could even end up dying or CTBing tomorrow and all of this wouldn't make sense, nothing I feel ever makes sense and as I said at the start: the more I think "I got it" the less I actually do.
I don't know why I was born so unlucky. I fucking wish I could find a person irl that would genuinely care for me, to help me. But realistically it's highly not happening...
God... Why... Why...
