Venting Bpd is killing me

[Manic Panic]

All I can do is pretend I'm ok because everytime I try to talk about the subject with people who "care" they pushed me aside and assume I'm being manipulative.
That all I do is abuse them.... wanting to die isn't abuse . Wanting to end my own suffering isn't abuse.
It's not like I'm trying to hurt anyone. I'm just drowning and I can't keep it all inside anymore. But the second I open my mouth, suddenly I'm "toxic" or "guilt-tripping." Suddenly, I'm the villain in my own pain. I get told to "just be positive" or "stop being so dramatic," like they have no idea what it's like to wake up every day feeling like your chest is caving in.

It's not manipulation when I'm simply telling the truth about what's going on in my head. It's not attention-seeking when all I want is for someone to actually hear me without twisting my words into weapons. I'm not asking for pity. I'm not asking for someone to fix me. I'm asking for them to stop treating me like I'm a monster for feeling this way.

I guess it's easier for people to push me away than to face the reality that I'm not okay. But every time they turn their back, it just confirms what I've always feared—maybe I really am too much to love.
But people don't want the truth ...they want a watered-down version of me that smiles on command and never cracks. They want me to pretend my wounds don't exist so they can stay comfortable. And when I can't do that, when my pain spills over, they act like I'm dangerous. Like my sadness is contagious. Like I'm a burden they can't bear.

So I shut down. I keep it to myself. I nod and say "I'm fine" while inside I'm screaming. Because at least if I stay quiet, they'll stick around. At least if I keep the mask on, I won't have to watch them walk away.

But every time I silence myself to keep them close, I lose a little more of who I am.
And the worst part? They'll still tell people they "tried." They'll still talk about me like they cared, like they fought for me. But they didn't fight ... they ran. They didn't listen ... they shut me down. They didn't stay... they abandoned me the second I stopped being easy.

And when I'm gone, they'll pretend they didn't see it coming. But the truth is… they were watching me fade the whole time.

 

[fckedgrl]

BPD is the worst, i feel you. Im sorry that youre feeling this way I also hope there were ways for us to make people at least understand whats going on in our heads.

 

[fedup1982]

I'm sorry you're going through that experience of being accused of things you're not doing. Having BPD is unjustly damaging which is why many psychiatrists prefer not giving that diagnosis, there's too much stigma even among professionals.

I know that caving chest feeling very well. I call it my sinking chest feeling, it's awful.

There's nothing wrong with wanting human connection to help sooth the hurt. With the right people, it can bring two people closer together but there will be some people who just react badly and I don't think there's really much you can do but just give them the space, and maybe it maybe not just think we'll "it's their loss then".

You're not too much to love at all. The fact that you're reflecting on all this and expressing self awareness of all these angles shows you're sensitive and you care about others and just want the same back.

If you feel you have to keep up a facade to keep some people happy then that's up to you, it's good to have some sort of balance between being completely yourself and having boundaries and putting on a smile when it seems the right thing to do. But people saying their tried when they clearly did fk all is maddening.

Be strong and have confidence that if you get out there enough you'll find the right people! I promise you there are good, caring, understanding people out there!

 

[mangoastronaut]

I feel you. At this point, I've lost confidence in forming any deep and meaningful relationships because I'll end up hurting them, even if I don't intend to.

BPD is a bitch and I wish I had the answers. I just wish you the best.

 

[Nightfoot]

That sounds very frustrating and I can see how that treatment could feel like salt on the wound. Maybe their inability to understand leaves them not knowing what else to say, not to defend them.