NSFW Blood. ( vent )

[LonelyPrince]

I have a weird fascination with my own blood. It's been like this for years.
When I accidentally bruise or cut myself I obsessively admire the wound multiple times throughout the day.

Whenever I would stop self harming I wouldn't keep a score on how long I was clean for nor did I care about that.
The only reason why I wasn't self harming in the first place was because It felt inconvenient for me to do so at the time, not because I was trying to recover.

Now that I don't go outside anymore and live confined to my room, that inconvenience is gone.
No one will ask me invasive questions about the hundreds of scars on my arms, nor will anyone see them.
Everytime I would bring up this obsession to my psychologists they looked visibly uncomfortable and would just forcibly change subject, so I didn't get to discuss much regarding this.

I can't tell if I'm just a masochist or if I'm so mentally fucked and cornered that externalising my pain physically on my body relieves me.

Daydreaming about me drowning in my own blood is one of the only things that calms me down sometimes.

 

[Chemi]

There's something almost hypnotic about watching the blood well up, like it's undeniable proof, that the hurt inside finally has a way out. It's like a visible mark showing exactly how deep the damage i caused went. Like opening a gate so all the heavy emotional stuff that's been trapped and building pressure can finally drip away. For me SH, is never really about the pain itself, it's more that quiet relief when the inside matches the outside for once.

It's really awful how your psychiatrists treated you. I understand it is hard for most people to understand the fascination but completely ignoring you, is kinda fucked up, especially since they should be used to people expressing similar stuff.

 

[Xi-Xi]

Yes, I feel the same.

I don't think your psychologists treating you like that is legal. They went to college, so they should be able to do their job properly. They should have been prepared.

 

[LonelyPrince]

There's something almost hypnotic about watching the blood well up, like it's undeniable proof, that the hurt inside finally has a way out. It's like a visible mark showing exactly how deep the damage i caused went. Like opening a gate so all the heavy emotional stuff that's been trapped and building pressure can finally drip away. For me SH, is never really about the pain itself, it's more that quiet relief when the inside matches the outside for once.

It's really awful how your psychiatrists treated you. I understand it is hard for most people to understand the fascination but completely ignoring you, is kinda fucked up, especially since they should be used to people expressing similar stuff.

Yes, exactly. The inside matches the outside.
Psychologists don't exactly seem to ignore me when I mention this fact but tend to recoil a bit and get quieter...so I take it as a sign to not continue and leave it there.
What's the point of psychologists if they are just gonna make you feel like you are the crazy person in the room.

Yes, I feel the same.

I don't think your psychologists treating you like that is legal. They went to college, so they should be able to do their job properly. They should have been prepared.

I feel like even if some people study for this job they just aren't prepared in certain aspects. It requires much more than just textbook psychology: intuition, empathy and patience etc...

 

[Strangerdanger7]

I have a weird fascination with my own blood. It's been like this for years.
When I accidentally bruise or cut myself I obsessively admire the wound multiple times throughout the day.

Whenever I would stop self harming I wouldn't keep a score on how long I was clean for nor did I care about that.
The only reason why I wasn't self harming in the first place was because It felt inconvenient for me to do so at the time, not because I was trying to recover.

Now that I don't go outside anymore and live confined to my room, that inconvenience is gone.
No one will ask me invasive questions about the hundreds of scars on my arms, nor will anyone see them.
Everytime I would bring up this obsession to my psychologists they looked visibly uncomfortable and would just forcibly change subject, so I didn't get to discuss much regarding this.

I can't tell if I'm just a masochist or if I'm so mentally fucked and cornered that externalising my pain physically on my body relieves me.

Daydreaming about me drowning in my own blood is one of the only things that calms me down sometimes.

Okay, I don't understand that concept. How is avoiding the topic that you're bringing up to your psychologist regarding your fascination with blood helping you? Maybe it's going over my head, but I'm not getting the connection in this. How does avoiding discussing that topic help you in any way? I used to have one friend who was a cutter, and he flatlined a few times. This was in high school. The concept of therapy pretty much never helped him either. Obviously, he flatlined three different times, and they brought him back three different times. It was kind of a pointless waste of his time to go if he was continuing to cut and flatline anyway.
Strangerdanger7:
Okay, I don't understand that concept. How is avoiding the topic that you're bringing up to your psychologist regarding your fascination with blood helping you? Maybe it's going over my head, but I'm not getting the connection in this. How does avoiding discussing that topic help you in any way? I used to have one friend who was a cutter, and he flatlined a few times. This was in high school. The concept of therapy pretty much never helped him either. Obviously, he flatlined three different times, and they brought him back three different times. See, I think that if something doesn't work, it's a pointless waste of time to continue with that method; you're essentially entertaining the definition of insanity. Part of the problem is that idealistic thinking that people have, that oh, it'll just get better everyone has good intentions they want to solve other people's problems but sometimes they can't. I'm sorry you're held medically hostage in the system that does this to you sending you through a hamster wheel cycle of the same therapy over and over again and literally expects a different result.

 

[LonelyPrince]

@Strangerdanger7
Can't quote your message probably so I'm just gonna try and tag you.
I definitely agree with you. Therapy is pretty much useless. So why do I bother?
The therapist im seeing is primarily a gender therapist for transitioning, not a regular psychologist. The only reason I go to her is so that I can one day be given the tools necessary to make a medical gender transition.
I didn't feel like including this detail in the post, but the truth is that I feel the same exact way as u do lol.

I gave up on therapy after going to 4 psychologists with little success. Actually, after 2 I stopped wanting to go but was forced due to my self harm tendencies.
So yeah. I know the therapy itself won't help me. I have other interests in mind.
Psychologists seem to be of help for the ones with surface level problems.

 

[Strangerdanger7]

I noticed that you mentioned having seen multiple therapists, which is a first indicator that it may not be effective for you. If it were you, you wouldn't need to see one after another, that's my opinion on this topic. I tell you, don't you sometimes feel like you are the lab rat in their science experiment with all this therapy? They hold on to these delusions and fantasies that somehow they can make it better for you. If that were the case, you wouldn't need multiple therapists addressing the same conditions over and over again, like the definition of insanity, expecting a different result from you.