I have been on and off fighting with the urge to end it all, I had 1 failed attempt in 2023 and 2 times I almost did it. My family is extremely religious (like insane) and I am not, i have been previously diagnosed with adhd and cptsd due to religious and childhood trauma. I used to ask my mother why she let my father treat me this way and physically hurt me as a child but god knows why she would never leave him or stand up for me.
So due to that, I have been trying to move out, but rent prices man... Its genuinely insane in germany. And no, I cant qualify for a loan because my family "makes too much money". I dont even get a single cent ????? The amount of paperwork i had to send in to prove that I am (besides a room) not being supported was unreal, but they need to know how much my parents make and they wont give me that information. Whatever I have a fucking stupid job that pays pennies, i would barely be able to afford student housing, but i have been on that list for far too long and nothing is happening. But hey 600€ for a room in an apartment with 3 other people is totally fine option.
This sucks so fucking much, I truly dont want to leave my boyfriend behind, he is so lovely and funny but no matter how much I try to see a future where I am actually happy, i cant envison it. He deserves someone who can be a proper partner and not this shit ass thing sneaking around that I am forced to do. And I have thought about moving in with him, if i decide to end it all he will he fucked with rent and I dont want to do that to him, and if i dont die, my family would find out and cut me off, meaning i wont even get to see my sisters.
Even therapy, since august i have been on a list and whenever i ask its always the "we have no space you need to wait". Fuck Public Healthcare when it comes to therapy. It does suck, I really am trying to improve my life and nothing is working. At least i passed my exams this semester and now I can look forward to 2 months of full time underpaid work. Last time i posted was 2023, only thing that changed is that I did finally break up with my ex, so at least one part of my life has gotten better lmao. ugh i want to get drunk so badly but if i show up hungover at work my life will fully go down the drain man i feel like i am genuinely going insane this cant be real why cant things just be somewhat easy for once.
So due to that, I have been trying to move out, but rent prices man... Its genuinely insane in germany. And no, I cant qualify for a loan because my family "makes too much money". I dont even get a single cent ????? The amount of paperwork i had to send in to prove that I am (besides a room) not being supported was unreal, but they need to know how much my parents make and they wont give me that information. Whatever I have a fucking stupid job that pays pennies, i would barely be able to afford student housing, but i have been on that list for far too long and nothing is happening. But hey 600€ for a room in an apartment with 3 other people is totally fine option.
This sucks so fucking much, I truly dont want to leave my boyfriend behind, he is so lovely and funny but no matter how much I try to see a future where I am actually happy, i cant envison it. He deserves someone who can be a proper partner and not this shit ass thing sneaking around that I am forced to do. And I have thought about moving in with him, if i decide to end it all he will he fucked with rent and I dont want to do that to him, and if i dont die, my family would find out and cut me off, meaning i wont even get to see my sisters.
Even therapy, since august i have been on a list and whenever i ask its always the "we have no space you need to wait". Fuck Public Healthcare when it comes to therapy. It does suck, I really am trying to improve my life and nothing is working. At least i passed my exams this semester and now I can look forward to 2 months of full time underpaid work. Last time i posted was 2023, only thing that changed is that I did finally break up with my ex, so at least one part of my life has gotten better lmao. ugh i want to get drunk so badly but if i show up hungover at work my life will fully go down the drain man i feel like i am genuinely going insane this cant be real why cant things just be somewhat easy for once.
