Discussion Being called "strong"

[Felodese]

As I was once again called "strong", and getting extremely fucking annoyed by it, I'm wondering if I'm the only one who feels this way?

My personal problems with being told that I'm "strong" are:

1. I am not, in fact, strong; trauma and depression has made sure of that
2. People use it as a reason why you don't need help; being so strong means you'll be able to manage it all on your own
3. I'm told that I should be glad, or even grateful, for my trauma, as it has made me stronger, which is a fucking lie - it did not. There is no silver lining here
4. Just barely surviving as depression, anxiety, trauma, financial worries, etc is kicking your ass, is not strength
5. It diminishes the responsibility of my abusers, and the impact of that abuse on me and my life, cause it made me so very strong

Do you have any other reasons why you just really fucking hate being called "strong"?

 

[idontfeellikeimreal]

I absolutely hate being called "strong" like wtf is strong about being abused by others. Is it strong that we survived? Like thanks, I guess?
I have a huge problem with people telling me that I am strong, like "that made you stronger", no it absolutely did not, I had to deal with things I wasn't supposed to deal with.
However, I don't have a problem with people telling me I'm strong for leaving certain things behind me, but why can't you just find another word for it.
Telling me "you're so strong" is not a compliment, it just makes me feel like I have just explained my traume to a fucking wall, even some AI could understand me better.

 

[abyss princess]

i hate hearing that, i'm not strong, i just don't have a choice

 

[dragonofenvy]

I heard brave a lot which is pretty much the same as strong, which didn't make sense because I never had a choice to feel the way I do or go through what I did, so how am I brave? It just felt like my experience was being downplayed, and it was professionals and a hotline that were saying this.

 

[JustA_LittlePerson]

Just surviving is showing strength. Have you thought of how many things are trying to kill you this very moment? Other than yourself of course. Many didn't get the chance to even think of this. To live regardless of each specific circumstance requires a great deal of effort, I think to do it you'd have to be strong.

 

[Kavka]

It takes a very brave and strong person to speak out against the terror of thought-terminating clichés!

 

[Felodese]

Just surviving is showing strength. Have you thought of how many things are trying to kill you this very moment? Other than yourself of course. Many didn't get the chance to even think of this. To live regardless of each specific circumstance requires a great deal of effort, I think to do it you'd have to be strong.

While I'm sure you mean well, I very much disagree.
For example, I did physically survive my childhood. (It did kill my spirit, though) Not due to any strength on my part, but because my parent's abuse and neglect didn't acctualy threaten my life. (And also, I didn't know how to ctb at the time). I also live in a rich Western country, where I did not have to experience things like war and famine, and medical care was readily available. Again, it took no strength.

The main thing that has kept me alive through adulthood is fear of failure, of not acctually dying, but maybe instead fucking up my liver by trying to OD, or something. Fear - not strength.

As for people who are no longer with us; if they wanted to live, then it's a tragedy. But if they were like many of the people here at SaSu and made the choice themselves, then may the lucky bastards rest in peace.

 

[AndroidAmongHumans]

I kind of have a love-hate relationship with that phrase. On one hand, it's nice to have my reality acknowledged instead of being gaslit and told I'm being dramatic and overreacting to normal life events for having issues with it. On the other hand, when people say that, they think that it means that since I've lived through hardship before, I can keep going with even more hardships, since I'm apparently strong enough to handle it. In reality, my previous experiences have left me barely functional, and if I keep facing the same level of problems I'm just going to fully psychologically snap. Just because I have been strong in the past (in ways I shouldn't have had to been and completely against my wishes) does not mean I can keep up that strength presently or long term.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

I think this is a really interesting thread, and I have always wanted to know what others think of this. I don't mind being called strong. I know I am not strong, but I understand others say it because they want to make me feel better, which I appreciate.

 

[dinosavr]

Oh god it's so true. When I talk to someone about my experiences, I love when they ask if they can help or if I'm seeing therapist/psychiatrist, or when they just say nothing, hug me or be clearly sorry for me. I don't know what makes people think that being called "strong" when you're clearly being anything but strong is a good idea. If I were happy, maybe then it would be fine to call me strong because I overcame it all. But I didn't. And basically we never know that, so, might as well just shut up.
Let people be weak and not be ashamed of that
Abusers should be ashamed, not the victims..

 

[Oyasumidanny]

I completely understand this, I am not strong at all

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Hell yeah. When I volunteered at a hotline people were taught to praise the person texting in for "being strong" (as well as "brave"). That never really sat right with me and didn't seem to generally make much of a impact. For one thing it's very difficult to say that to someone in that kind of situation without sounding completely trite and hollow.

But I realized that the real problem with words like "strong" and "brave" is that they are examples of *dichotomous* language. They necessarily imply an opposite. "Strong" implies "weak" and "brave" implies "cowardly". This property of these words has a lot of troubling and problematic implications as you probably can tell.

So if I wanted to acknowledge that in someone, I would say use less dichotomous language, like " you have shown a lot of guts and grit". The problem of sounding trite still remained but that was always something to deal with.

 

[lita-lassi]

if "strength" is breaking down 15x a day crying from flashbacks/just thinking about life for more than 5 seconds, not wanting to get out of bed or brush your teeth or eat lol im a fucking olympian i guess and the gold medals are cptsd, self destruction and suicide ideation. what a rich life i lead

 

[Felodese]

But I realized that the real problem with words like "strong" and "brave" is that they are examples of *dichotomous* language. They necessarily imply an opposite. "Strong" implies "weak" and "brave" implies "cowardly". This property of these words has a lot of troubling and problematic implications as you probably can tell.

Exactly.
You are so strong for going through this = you'd be weak if you hadn't gone through trauma
You're so brave for surviving = suicide is cowardly

 

[jbear824]

I hate this so much. Don't praise me for enduring more of this.

Ugh this and "it's gets better" fill me with fury

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Exactly.
You are so strong for going through this = you'd be weak if you hadn't gone through trauma
You're so brave for surviving = suicide is cowardly

"You're so strong for reaching out"

"You're so strong for telling me how you feel"

"You're so strong for recognizing you need to take a shit and going to to the toilet"

 

[neonzebra]

A family member called me strong the other day and listed off the terrible things that have happened to me in my life... I was happy on the one hand that someone saw how shit my life is but it also reminded me how shit it was and what a terrible hand I've been dealt.

 

[Linda]

Hell yeah. When I volunteered at a hotline people were taught to praise the person texting in for "being strong" (as well as "brave"). That never really sat right with me and didn't seem to generally make much of a impact. For one thing it's very difficult to say that to someone in that kind of situation without sounding completely trite and hollow.

But I realized that the real problem with words like "strong" and "brave" is that they are examples of *dichotomous* language. They necessarily imply an opposite. "Strong" implies "weak" and "brave" implies "cowardly". This property of these words has a lot of troubling and problematic implications as you probably can tell.

So if I wanted to acknowledge that in someone, I would say use less dichotomous language, like " you have shown a lot of guts and grit". The problem of sounding trite still remained but that was always something to deal with.

That's interesting, and a bit concerning. One of the things I have learned on this site is that it's best to tell it like it is. Having a stock response like that must often come across as dishonest, which will cause loss of credibility.
Being "strong" or not strong has very little to do with suicide. Even if you do have a strong personality - and some people do - that won't help you if you are pushed past your breaking point. And everybody has a breaking point.

 

[Electra]

For some reason, that phrase always rubbed me the wrong way. Am I supposed to be grateful to still be surviving the consequences that my trauma left me? I'd rather they tell me they admire my empathy, vulnerability and understanding towards people who've known pain in their life, because I am not sure myself what being strong is and if I possess this magical trait. And if I do, I'm sure as hell tired of being strong; I just want to give in to destruction without worrying.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm not strong nor do I want to be. I crave permanent non existence, not strength