Venting Been thinking of death since I was 5

[Emerita]

In a way, I was passively suicidal from around age five. I would pray to die in my sleep, thinking it could end the suffering of someone else, I'd offer to be sacrificed to save children who wanted to live. And by "pray," I mean I would kneel beside my bed, hands in prayer, speaking to "God." And I wasn't religious, nor was my family. I even got a little sculpture of a girl in prayer because I did it so often. My family noticed my nightly prayers and thought it was odd but that they would support my faith, but I had no faith just a desperate hope to die.

Eventually, I grew resentful because my offer of my life for saving children wasn't happening. I came to the conclusion that God was either a cruel being or that what I knew all along was ever there. I always had a hard time accepting things so I think I still had a little bit of hope that there was a God and that my prayers would be answered. I listed reasons my death was justified in my prayers. I don't remember when I stopped praying maybe it was before I was 9, it has been a really long time since I last did that.

Most nights as a kid, I would then crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep. I have never been able to cry in front of people so before bed was the only time I had. I remember the first time I heard about suicide, I didn't know people could do that or that it was an actual option. I was seven, and I was curious but also upset that I didn't have the courage to do it myself.

In my mind I decided that I would need a more violent approach but then I came to the conclusion I should educate myself on methods so if it came down to it I can do it in the most logical manner. I know the younger version of me would be happy for me that I found a place that offers some relief. I have felt this way for too long Im just grateful for SaSu. When was the first time you thought about wanting to die?

 

[evanescent_eva]

It sounds like you've been suffering for a long, long time. If there is a God, they are indeed cruel. I'm sorry you've had to experience such pain for so long, and I'm glad sasu has brought you even the slightest measure of relief.

I've been self harming for as long as I can remember (though less so now). Even in preschool, when my mood went low, which was often, I would punch, hit, scratch, and/or bash myself either with my hands or random objects. I remember reading Harry Potter in elementary school and immediately gravitating toward Dobby the house elf, because it was the first time I had ever encountered a piece of media that represented the way I would self harm back to me (obviously HP is problematic, but child me didn't know that).

I don't remember being suicidal, though, until I was 13. I remember wishing that there was a button that I could press to end my life painlessly so that I could press it over and over again until I died. I don't really know what prompted the change from SH to suicidal ideation. It could be that I just hadn't matured enough to consider death as a possibility for myself until then. It could also have been that, as a trans ace person, going through puberty while surrounded by cis-allo people going through puberty was a nightmare for me. Or maybe that depression is a progressive illness, one that I had for so long that it was only a matter of time until it progressed to a point where I was suicidal. Whatever it was, I was miserable and wanted things to end. And that feeling hasn't gone away ever since.

 

[semio]

I am so sorry to hear all this, I know its so hard to carry on with feeling done for so long. I remember being 4 the first time I actively wanted to kill myself. I know that's been hard on me, feeling like, knowing that I have always wanted to die, it made me feel like I was doing a disservice by sticking around and probably made me want to go more in times when I was doing "good" and I am sure that it has done similar to you. I want you to know that you are not alone and I hope we all fine the outcome we truly need.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've personally always wished to not exist and to not exist is all I could ever wish for, I just wish for an eternal sleep free from all cruelty and suffering where this torturous deeply undesirable existence is all gone and forgotten and I suffer simply from existing, it's all just so cruel and dreadful to me and I wish I never existed more than anything, only non-existence is positive for me and is just all that can bring me any peace. I just wish for this existence I always saw as the most terrible, tragic mistake to be all gone and forgotten and I suffer simply from existing, it's all just so dreadful to me, more than anything I wish this existence was never imposed and I'd just always prefer to sleep permanently than be burdened with this existence suffering so unnecessarily just waiting to die anyway capable of suffering to unlimited extents.