Back in contact with my dad

[Abaigh]

My dad used to be my favourite person as a child but when I was 13 he molested me when I slept he also did this once before when I was younger but I just assumed he was asleep and forgot about it evtually.

I go through periods of hating him with everything inside of me to missing him so much I would be willing to never bring it up.

I haven't seen him since he did that.
Sometimes when I miss him I text him but when I get a response I get rage again and either ignore the reply or send him very angry texts.

for the first time since i have had a normal conversation with him where I mentioned my cat and other random life events. It honestly felt so good to have him back in my life even if small talk over text.
Other side of me wants to block him on everything. He hurt me so bad and I am basically in constant confusion with my feelings towards him. He gave me ptsd and although I should hate him we used to so close and I just can't fully hate him.

sorry this was so long and thank you if you took the time to read I just wanted to tell someone because people who I know in real life would give out to me for contacting him.

 

[lmroch]

He hurt me so bad and I am basically in constant confusion with my feelings towards him.

​

 

[134340]

It takes a lot of strength to be in contact with the person who traumatized you, I think. My father and I went through a trauma together (I was 11) and afterward he completely emotionally abandoned me. I know that sounds less severe than your case, but it has affected every aspect of my life for almost 10 years. It's a constant battle between wanting to have a relationship with him because, like you, we were very close once, and knowing that he hurt me very badly and cannot (is unwilling to) repair it. My family reacts the same way: why don't you just cut him off if he's hurt you this badly? But a part of me can't do it.

It's a battle, and I'm sorry for what you went through and what you're dealing with now. As long as he's a different person now and doesn't try to hurt you (in any capacity) again, and this doesn't take a negative toll on your mental health, I think it's admirable that you were able to take this step. Healing is important; even if you don't stay in regular contact, being able to forgive him/even just be around him without negative impacts is big. Best of luck to you

Also, please know that this post isn't downplaying what he did to you. We all know that that's inexcusable. I'm just saying that I've also been traumatized by my father and haven't been able to get to a point of forgiveness/mutual understanding, so I'm glad that you have/are working toward it. And please know that you also have every right to cut him off completely and heal without him present at all. It's a tough call to make, so I'm sending you love and strength

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

It's totally natural to have conflicted feelings about a parent who also abused in this way. Have you ever read Courage to Heal? It's a tough read, especially the last part with anecdotal accounts, but throughout the book it's reaffirmed that it is both natural and difficult to love and hate the parental abuser.

I'm glad you were able to post here to safely get it out and get some compassionate support.

 

[Abaigh]

It takes a lot of strength to be in contact with the person who traumatized you, I think. My father and I went through a trauma together (I was 11) and afterward he completely emotionally abandoned me. I know that sounds less severe than your case, but it has affected every aspect of my life for almost 10 years. It's a constant battle between wanting to have a relationship with him because, like you, we were very close once, and knowing that he hurt me very badly and cannot (is unwilling to) repair it. My family reacts the same way: why don't you just cut him off if he's hurt you this badly? But a part of me can't do it.

It's a battle, and I'm sorry for what you went through and what you're dealing with now. As long as he's a different person now and doesn't try to hurt you (in any capacity) again, and this doesn't take a negative toll on your mental health, I think it's admirable that you were able to take this step. Healing is important; even if you don't stay in regular contact, being able to forgive him/even just be around him without negative impacts is big. Best of luck to you

Also, please know that this post isn't downplaying what he did to you. We all know that that's inexcusable. I'm just saying that I've also been traumatized by my father and haven't been able to get to a point of forgiveness/mutual understanding, so I'm glad that you have/are working toward it. And please know that you also have every right to cut him off completely and heal without him present at all. It's a tough call to make, so I'm sending you love and strength

Hey although in a sense they are different they have both greatly impacted us and I also think your fathers actions are wrong and I'm sorry you went through and continue to go through effects of the event.
Family think it's easy to just leave it alone but it's someone who you loved, looked up to and who was supposed to take care of you it is never as easy as they think. It's honestly comforting in a weird way to know someone is feeling a similar way to me and that I amber alone in these thoughts and feelings.
He still has never admitted to it and claims I made it up and his gf still lives with him and she has a 10 year old boy. Even with this I still feel a need to be in contact with him and actually one of the main reasons for the normal conversation was to check how he was doing. Sorry that this was long

It's totally natural to have conflicted feelings about a parent who also abused in this way. Have you ever read Courage to Heal? It's a tough read, especially the last part with anecdotal accounts, but throughout the book it's reaffirmed that it is both natural and difficult to love and hate the parental abuser.

I'm glad you were able to post here to safely get it out and get some compassionate support.

Haven't read it but sounds good. Do you know if it is possible to read online or just with buying the book? Thank you for the recommendation and for replying