Attempt number 2

[heyhoherewego]

Going to try again tonight with full suspension, this time with benzos.
ditched a test today and they told my parents, but i covered for myself. i was actually hoping to go and give it, but write some absolute absurdities (i have no idea wtf is going on in the class, not like i could give it normally). writing some insane bullshit on a test which would likely be checked very soon might have served as further motivation, but ig ill work with what i got. i hope the rope treats me well tonight, ill keep this thread updated incase anything goes wrong or if my SI once again gets the better of me.

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish, Heyho, however things work out. Be kind to yourself.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Good luck and I hope you find peace!

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best.

 

[SixNeufUn]

Hope you will get what you're searching for

 

[lastch]

Did u decide on partial or full?

 

[heyhoherewego]

Did u decide on partial or full?

my first attempt was full (it was supposed to be anyway, wasnt able to take the step)
this attempt will also be full, although ill probably still try doing partial at the edge of the table and slipping off into a full suspension, maybe with benzos ill be able to take the step if that fails.
if im not able to do either, i have spare nooses ready in my room to do partial in my closet.

 

[heyhoherewego]

Update:


the time is approaching and im not sure if it will work tonight. i just dont feel any urge whatsoever to end it. life isnt bad enough, but i know its the only escape. fuck man

i wont have another opportunity like this down the road, shifting houses + school tests just around the corner will make sure of that. why do i feel this way .
i wish i could say i was feeling frustrated or anxious or upset but im not. im not really feeling much of anything rn. have i missed my chance? is suicide possible if you dont have any crippling condition or horrific life circumstances? i thought i came close in my last attempt, but maybe i was farther from it than i realized.
ig ill still try tonight but if im already having doubts i dont think being even more sleepy and being on benzos to make my already calm state of mind even calmer will do it for me. fucking hell. why is attempting suicide the temporary cure for suicidality, its a sick joke.

 

[opheliaoveragain]

Please, if you have doubts, wait. The option may seem like it will go away or there's only one shot. This is a rational worry but it's not true. I'm sorry you're suffering like this.

 

[LunarLight]

Please, if you have doubts, wait. The option may seem like it will go away or there's only one shot. This is a rational worry but it's not true. I'm sorry you're suffering like this.

Agree. If you're not sure, you better wait. We only die once.

 

[heyhoherewego]

man id vent but i dont even want to. ive randomly discovered fucking zen mode a couple hours before i was supposed to kill myself
if there is a god, i bet hes having fun watching this.

 

[Fangarina]

man id vent but i dont even want to. ive randomly discovered fucking zen mode a couple hours before i was supposed to kill myself
if there is a god, i bet hes having fun watching this.

Zen is good, and glad you didn't just push through for the sake of it. I'm a firm believer that when we know, we know. Take care of yourself, and I hope the zen gods are keeping you level tonight

 

[heyhoherewego]

Zen is good, and glad you didn't just push through for the sake of it. I'm a firm believer that when we know, we know. Take care of yourself, and I hope the zen gods are keeping you level tonight

the zen gods are working overtime to keep me alive it seems
as the time approaches, the more at peace i become. i slept for so long last night and it feels like i can sleep more, complete serenity. its like ive taken my benzos already but i have yet to pop one pill. cant even get mad at them, im too zen

 

[SVEN]

Mellow is good, Heyho, enjoy.

 

[Fangarina]

the zen gods are working overtime to keep me alive it seems
as the time approaches, the more at peace i become. i slept for so long last night and it feels like i can sleep more, complete serenity. its like ive taken my benzos already but i have yet to pop one pill. cant even get mad at them, im too zen

I think when we have finally reached a decision in what we are doing, a whole new wave of peace fills us.
I was erratic a few weeks ago, unpredictable and desperate to CTB. I sourced what I needed, and now? Zen. I'm not desperate. I don't know if it's our mindset changing because we now know deep down we have finally taken control of our choice and it will be on our terms. And I think maybe this is how our zen gods work.

I am glad you are having some peaceful days, it's already horrendous enough when our minds are on overdrive

 

[heyhoherewego]

I think i will try it tonight.
although i feel calm and at peace mentally, on a physical level my whole body is showing signs of stress. I thought it would be a good idea to sleep for a couple hours so i can make my setup at night without feeling sleepy, but i couldnt. i couldnt fall asleep for even a second, just rolled around in bed for an hour. this basically never happens to me, and the only other time it happened was the night before my previous attempt. i also have an empty-hungry feeling in my stomach but i dont want to eat, i also physically cannot get an erection, and i can feel my heart beating fast, all the time.
these are actually very good signs. my body is stressed, because it knows i will kill it (or atleast try)
the physical symptoms will all be alleviated when i take my benzos, i just have to take the step. hope i can go through with it this time!

 

[Leyna]

Good luck, hope you're able to find peace

 

[Fangarina]

Our bodies are the strangest entities, and being able to read them well is hard.

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you all the courage and tranquility you desire. Life is cruel and I hate seeing the depth of people's hurt come out like this. (Yet no empathy for myself. Ironic!)

NGL, it always makes me so sad to see updates like this when I have been chatting and learning about each of our struggles. I genuinely wish you all the best in everything

 

[heyhoherewego]

alright ive taken my valium, just waiting for it to take effect.
i hope ill still be able to follow my hanging procedure with it
alright, goodbye everyone. hope this works. if it doesnt ill keep this updated

 

[maniac116]

Smooth sailing & I hope in the end you find peace & love

 

[fallingtopieces]

If it's still a no go, please let us know you are okay.

 

[heyhoherewego]

i waited about 30 minutes after taking the first valium to start my attempts. came close a couple of times but despite how much i tigthen the knot the the back of my neck before applying my body weight, it always makes a little gap which then offsets it away from the back of the neck to the side. this usually causes me to abort. so i have just recently taken a second valium (5mg). what if i take a third? would that seal the deal?

 

[NoPoint2Life]

Sorry it's so hard.
Are you still with us? What did you end up doing?

 

[Fangarina]

Hey @heyhoherewego - you still around? Been thinking of you and couldn't find this thread to check in. You haven't been online in a while

If you finally made your journey; I hope it was peaceful and you find tranquility in your next destination.
If you are still here, just not online, I'm hoping it's because things are looking up for you a little bit and the zen gods have been working overtime.