Story At Home in the Dark

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

I've come to terms with the fact that I'll never win the battle against my inner demons or liberate myself from the prison of my past. Not a single day is without reliving past regrets and guilt, of how I've let myself and others down, wondering what I could've done that might've changed outcomes. Like an 'earworm' stuck on loop in my head, I remember the hurtful and humiliating things said to me as if it were yesterday, reigniting the flames of hatred and animosity. I'm always on high alert, sleeping with one eye open and trusting no one, particularly the ones who claim to act in your best interests. Once bitten, twice shy, they say. On the outside I appear calm and content, but peel back the layers and you'll see the angst and ennui of a lost soul defined by the scars of its past.

But hate what I've become? Not even a little bit, not at all. Am I afraid of the dark? No. Rather, I'm starting to find it comforting and reassuring. As the old adage goes, "in absentia lucis, tenebrae vincunt (in the absence of light, darkness prevails)". I've stopped looking for the light at the end of the tunnel after a fruitless search, letting the darkness take control and be a part of me. Instead of silencing my demons, I embrace them, and offer them opportunities to have a say in my decisions. In doing so, I am able to navigate the waters of uncertainty, gaining far more insight than listening to those whom I think have pushed the narrative of optimism and positive thinking too far. Taking refuge in the darkness, I prefer to stay where I am and not leave my comfort zone. I have grown so accustomed to the dark, that sometimes I wonder what it's like to see the light on the other side. I am...

At home in the dark.