Discussion Anyone feel euphoric at the idea of being so close to cbt'ing?

[ForgiveMeFriends]

Strange question, right? Considering that more than not that the majority of this community has anhedonia, but anyone feel so much joy from passive or active ideation? It's strange, it's not as pure as true joy, isn't it?

And to add another question onto the pile, anyone else wanna die while in a state of happiness? Like, the weather could be immaculate, and my first thought wouldn't be 'Huh, maybe I should live for this.'

It'd be a heartfelt "What a good day to die!"

I'd like to pair my death with a little joy, but so be it if my day of atonement doesn't, it'll be alright.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

No, for me the final stages of CTB have been exhausting and trying more than anything. It's taken a lot of time to get my method nailed down and that hasn't always gone smoothly. Now I've decided to get benzos and I have to wait several days longer for them to be shipped, then another day to test. When the day to CTB comes I'll have to go check in to the hotel to die in some unfamiliar room away from the comforts of home. I'm nervous about the experience of dying, and of the possibility of failure.

The chance of me dying in happiness is zero, I expect to feel anxiety on some level, hopefully just not too bad. I feel nothing close to euphoria about CTB, it's the last thing on Earth I wanted to happen but my life is too miserable to keep living.

 

[Ashes of a Dreamer]

Yes, there's a phase of euphoria, but I think it doesn't happen when you're truly near the end - maybe when you finally decide to CTB and realize that you can do it at anytime. Common feelings near the end tend to be anxiety (panic, to be accurate) and relief.

 

[TheHolySword]

No, it just makes me sad

 

[kitchenwindow197]

I feel relief, the only thing i am worried about now is what comes after. Im at peace with my decision and know that whatever happens i have a way out- its a great feeling.

 

[failedmind]

Sometimes. But mostly I just feel sad. I'm sad that I'm going to hurt my family, and I'm sad that my life has been so fucked up that ctb is the only way I will ever feel happy or free. (I've tried everything)

 

[areyousafe??]

I felt happy, and relieved, when I came to the decision to ctb. A sense of calm came over me. Happy that things were finally drawing to a close, happy that I finally made up my mind after months of being torn as to whether to ctb or not. Now that there are only a couple of weeks left, I feel slightly anxious.

 

[DoneWithThisLife]

I just feel really sad because I will be leaving my wonderful husband. I may be a bit odd but I don't actually want to die so I'm a bit scared too. If my sister had done the right thing and not stolen the life savings from 2 pensioners, forcing them to sell their home to survive, I would never have taken this path. I took out 2 life insurance policies a year ago and hope this will help my husband keep the home we have lived in for 30+ years. I only have 5 days left and I'm actually very scared if I'm honest.

 

[Eudaimonic]

I feel relieved, but anxious about failing the attempt and the discomfort, and sad that it will hurt my loved ones

 

[G000pie]

I do. I finally have the thing that can end my suffering at my fingertips, and I have full control over when I'm ready to put the lights out. At this point I'm just tying up some loose ends... my family will be ashamed of me for being so weak but they are already so what's it matter?

I honestly think having a peaceful means to an end makes me appriciate life more because every day I continue to breathe I do it of my own choice.

Both the idea of having a choice and also the idea of no more PMDD, no more panic attacks, no more sleepless nights, no more suffering is euphoric as hell for me.

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

yes. me commiting suicide is the most rational act by an octilion times more than any other act i could do. #2 drop down to septillion in importance level of tasks is working to decide on one plan one method and getting that plan method as reliable as i can get. #3. other goals like trying to sleep well which does help me work and execute my ctb and quitting addictions like youtube help my suicide because frees up my time and i can think better when i get better sleep and have more discipline . #4 garbage like eating food working a job chores grocereis washing clothes cleaning fixing everything trying to fix problems i just have to do because i haven't killed myself yet and not doing them would make things much worse for me i don't want to do any of that shit and i hate most of that shit i don;t want to deal with problems sickness suffering work chores hate that #5 totally meaninless illogical addictions like youtube social media moviies videos media news etc are what have kept me from working on getting my suicide plan ready to go i hate these addictions and want to quit them .

 

[sickofwaiting]

i feel untouchable almost. like i can spin out of control, act as crazy as i want, do whatever i please, and not have to worry about the consequences.

 

[Gustav Hartmann]

To enjoy the process of dynig and the state of being dead, it needs to be perverted.

 

[tartvinegar]

No, for me the final stages of CTB have been exhausting and trying more than anything. It's taken a lot of time to get my method nailed down and that hasn't always gone smoothly. Now I've decided to get benzos and I have to wait several days longer for them to be shipped, then another day to test. When the day to CTB comes I'll have to go check in to the hotel to die in some unfamiliar room away from the comforts of home. I'm nervous about the experience of dying, and of the possibility of failure.

The chance of me dying in happiness is zero, I expect to feel anxiety on some level, hopefully just not too bad. I feel nothing close to euphoria about CTB, it's the last thing on Earth I wanted to happen but my life is too miserable to keep living.

It's a lot more planning and work that I thought it would be. But I think it's better that way, if you want to ctb, it should be something planned and thought out carefully, not an impulsive decision.

 

[JesiBel]

I wouldn't know how to describe the feeling... Maybe it's astonishment. Like "wow, I'm really going to do it".

In less than three months, I have gained a lot of information on this forum, to the point of being able to choose the method. When my rope arrived home, I only had to watch the videos about the knots once, and I learned to do them by heart. Then I practiced putting the ligature on my neck to be able to find the correct position until I felt like I was fainting.

It all happened so quick. All that remains is to decide when it's "the time".

 

[fkyou]

Strange question, right? Considering that more than not that the majority of this community has anhedonia, but anyone feel so much joy from passive or active ideation? It's strange, it's not as pure as true joy, isn't it?

And to add another question onto the pile, anyone else wanna die while in a state of happiness? Like, the weather could be immaculate, and my first thought wouldn't be 'Huh, maybe I should live for this.'

It'd be a heartfelt "What a good day to die!"

I'd like to pair my death with a little joy, but so be it if my day of atonement doesn't, it'll be alright.

That position doesn't last.. the mind changes views constantly

 

[AreWeWinning]

For me, it fluctuates, but lately, I have been feeling happy about it after finally becoming certain that this is what I want. It took me years to come to this point.

Before, I was going back and forth and it was something like this: Feeling hopeless, feeling like there is no point in living --> Hesitating, thinking, "Should I CTB? should I not?" --> Decide to CTB --> Become very scared, sad, and then snapped out of it. Suddenly, started to feel a deep appreciation for life, a sense of joy, motivation to live etc. --> Slowly, started to feel hopeless again --> repeat…

I went through the above cycle several times. And I realised it'll just keep repeating unless I do something about it.

Right now, after many years of deliberation, I'm at the point where I'm fairly certain, and I'm in the process of actively planning to do it. And I feel kind of happy and relieved!

It will be scary! It is scary! But there is no fomo anymore, and I don't feel sad. It feels like an adventure. A very scary one. I hope it stays like that, but I wonder what the final moment will feel like.

 

[Boots2Scoots]

Yesss. Yesterday morning when I had my preparations in the works was the most at-peace I've felt in the longest time. Pure relaxation, no anxiety, no worries. Kind of like how I once was. But then a cop showed up, parked near my car and reinforced my SI bc I don't want to be rescued when I attempt.

But those 3 hours of bliss.... fuck I already miss it.

 

[dead dav]

I find the whole idea of being dead is calming

 

[HenryHenriksen_6E]

Would probably feel that way for me, but now it feels unbearable to wait until that date, because I just want it to approach faster.