Discussion Anyone else feel the same way?

[HeartThatFeeds]

I want to die more than anything, everytime I breathe it's a constant reminder of the fact that I still am living, every moment I pray that death will take me however I don't actually want to die. I wish death wasn't the only option for me, but it feels like it is, and as much as I wish I could continue living I psychically can't. Maybe if my life went a different way I would be able to rethink my decision, but it's too late to change anything so I might as well just stop my suffering and hope everyone understands.

 

[IJustWantToDie21]

I feel that, I have the same thing of wanting to be free of pain by some sort of other way. But at the same time suicide is the only thing I have. It's a natural thing, people who are suicidal tend to be suicidal because they have tried and/or thought of everything else. Though I hope you find peace what ever you choose to do

 

[LoneTraveler]

I understand that feeling; life hasn't been easy for me at all, my early childhood involved heavy abuse until my grandparents took my little brother and me in. They saved my life and were great parents but I remember when I was younger I was sure I would die by or at 25 either by life or my own hand. Have come close twice before to CTB.
I kept going after getting meds after visiting a hospital. I thought life would get better and for a little I think it did. Sometime after I began dating the woman who would be my partner for 9 years, she went through hell as well early in her life; we supported each other through everything and they were the best years of my life. We were side by side through everything happening in both of our lives ranging from PTSD struggles, our family issues, my grandparents who were like a second pair of parents for her passing. This last year she struggled so hard and about two months ago CTB. I miss her so much everyday it's killing me, I was able to weather everything else it seemed and with her the world didn't seem as gloomy or harsh. With her death everything has just slowly crumbled apart, I can't live years without her I've accepted other loses as part of life but hers I just can't accept that. I struggle staying here for now because my little brother is the biggest factor keeping me here because otherwise I probably would have shot myself when I found out she died. I almost did but I just thought about if I suddenly left what would he go through.
I want to make sure he is setup for life when I go, I've saved up some good money and have a decent policy which should cover anything he needs. I recently purchased a new pistol, 9mm, which I'm pretty sure is going to be what I use to clock out of this life in a year or two. I ask God almost every night to take me but so far no luck.
I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope things get better for you but whatever you choose I'll definitely never judge you.

 

[Gl1tch3d G1rl]

Yes, I feel that way too. There are things I do like about life too after all, but every time I've tried to give life a chance I get kicked in my ass and now I'm mentally and physically exhausted from fighting what's essentiallly a loosing fight for so long. After all, you can only take so much before you've had enough and time is running out for me. I'll likely be gone by January. I wish it could've been different, but in the end I have to listen to my body and it desperately needs to let go.

 

[LoneTraveler]

Yes, I feel that way too. There are things I do like about life too after all, but every time I've tried to give life a chance I get kicked in my ass and now I'm mentally and physically exhausted from fighting what's essentiallly a loosing fight for so long. After all, you can only take so much before you've had enough and time is running out for me. I'll likely be gone by January. I wish it could've been different, but in the end I have to listen to my body and it desperately needs to let go.

The listening to your body I completely get, I feel so tired physically and mentally. I remember being diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years ago and trying to start EMDR therapy. It was unbelievably hard and my partner was there to help. Now I just don't see myself continuing it again, my body is just done I feel like.

 

[Gl1tch3d G1rl]

The listening to your body I completely get, I feel so tired physically and mentally. I remember being diagnosed with PTSD a couple of years ago and trying to start EMDR therapy. It was unbelievably hard and my partner was there to help. Now I just don't see myself continuing it again, my body is just done I feel like.

I likely have undiagnosed ptsd too, or maybe even c-ptsd, but I've given up fighting to be tested for it because reaching out to professionals is like reaching out to a wall of bricks, you get nowhere at all. :/

 

[LoneTraveler]

I likely have undiagnosed ptsd too, or maybe even c-ptsd, but I've given up fighting to be tested for it because reaching out to professionals is like reaching out to a wall of bricks, you get nowhere at all. :/

I have a doctor now who I think is a decent one who really does care and work with patients. I wish I had found her earlier in life, maybe it would have helped me more and maybe I could have done more for my gf.
Now I feel like the sessions are pretty much all the same and I don't progress any. Feel a little bad because I feel like I'm wasting her time and can tell she hurts seeing me like this. I wish I didn't know the people I do would make it a lot easier to go.

 

[HeartThatFeeds]

I understand that feeling; life hasn't been easy for me at all, my early childhood involved heavy abuse until my grandparents took my little brother and me in. They saved my life and were great parents but I remember when I was younger I was sure I would die by or at 25 either by life or my own hand. Have come close twice before to CTB.
I kept going after getting meds after visiting a hospital. I thought life would get better and for a little I think it did. Sometime after I began dating the woman who would be my partner for 9 years, she went through hell as well early in her life; we supported each other through everything and they were the best years of my life. We were side by side through everything happening in both of our lives ranging from PTSD struggles, our family issues, my grandparents who were like a second pair of parents for her passing. This last year she struggled so hard and about two months ago CTB. I miss her so much everyday it's killing me, I was able to weather everything else it seemed and with her the world didn't seem as gloomy or harsh. With her death everything has just slowly crumbled apart, I can't live years without her I've accepted other loses as part of life but hers I just can't accept that. I struggle staying here for now because my little brother is the biggest factor keeping me here because otherwise I probably would have shot myself when I found out she died. I almost did but I just thought about if I suddenly left what would he go through.
I want to make sure he is setup for life when I go, I've saved up some good money and have a decent policy which should cover anything he needs. I recently purchased a new pistol, 9mm, which I'm pretty sure is going to be what I use to clock out of this life in a year or two. I ask God almost every night to take me but so far no luck.
I'm sorry you're hurting and I hope things get better for you but whatever you choose I'll definitely never judge you.

My partner also CBTed around two months ago as well too, I'm sorry to hear for your loss, I know how hard it is dealing with the loss of the person you most loved in life, every day I also pray for god to kill me it's so hard to deal with, I hope you find peace eventually, wishing you the best

 

[LoneTraveler]

My partner also CBTed around two months ago as well too, I'm sorry to hear for your loss, I know how hard it is dealing with the loss of the person you most loved in life, every day I also pray for god to kill me it's so hard to deal with, I hope you find peace eventually, wishing you the best

I'm sorry to hear that, people tell me they can't imagine what I feel and a couple of weeks later it's like they expect me to be "better" or somewhat happier. Some people say find comfort in God but none of it is really helping, I miss her laugh, voice, just the person who i let in to see me and shared scars I did. It's just a nightmare everyday.

 

[lnlybnny]

I definitely feel the same. I wish I didn't HAVE to ctb. But maybe I've led myself to this path