Venting Anyone else feel as if you aren't a person?

[gimpyfairy]

75% vent, 25% discussion, please feel free to ignore what I say below, it is worthless.

I'm not sure what led me to this, but I've never really cared about my future. I always thought that eventually I'd kill myself anyway, so nothing really mattered. I don't fear death any longer; it's just apathy and circumstances keeping me alive. At some point, around early high school, I started getting intrusive thoughts repeatedly affirming that "You are not real." I kept telling myself it wasn't true, since I had enough self-awareness to realise it's delusional, but they never really went away. I still have them at times, but more or less it has changed to any variation of "You are nothing / You are not a person / You are subhuman / You are an object." I started agreeing with them. I don't feel like a person; it's like I walk through crowds and people don't bother avoiding me or even recognising my existence, as if my friends don't really care who I am or what I do, and my family says they want the best for me, but they don't really support me in any way, or when my therapist just pushes aside my concerns that medications don't work on me, when I feel empty and worthless because there is nothing truly pushing me forward other than the obligation to move forward. My friends and family make me feel like a commodity that can't serve its purpose, my therapist treats me like a cash cow, and society does not perceive me. I've forgotten what made me this way; I don't remember my own struggles properly anymore, and I believe that is because there is nothing justifying my existence or identity.

I'll probably give up on therapy.

 

[chudeatte]

you put everything I feel into words, I never knew how to word it. feelings of being 'other' dont really help either. I guess when I already felt like I never fit in and I always felt an overwhelming sense of disconnect from other people, when my thoughts developed into me believing I wasn't even a human like everyone else it was all made so much worse. even when im around others, I feel so much inferiority and I withdraw into my head because I feel like I shouldn't even be in the presence of 'real' people who have actual lives while im there just... idk, not living in the moment like they are. its hard to describe, I dont even know what made me this way either. meds aren't helping either, at this point ive considered stopping them and giving up on all help. its comforting to know im not the only one who feels this way

 

[setspiritfree]

I have had a pretty good life except for the fact with one major exception. No reason to go into that now, but I believe it was an event that if it had not happened I would be a completely different person. When I finally pull the plug on this life that is the question I have for God. "WHY DID HE NOT PROTECT ME WHEN I WAS JUST A KID!!!???" That is if there really is a God. I have always thought there has to be but now I am not so sure because why would he allow this to happen to me? Why would he have allowed to be made if He knew it would end in miserable pain and at the end of a rope all alone?

I am such a selfish person I made this post about me and I am sorry for that. I hate you feel this way because now I understand you more. I don't know you and you don't know me but we are communicating. I hate that you have to feel this way all of your life. I hope that one day you will find purpose and meaning and/or the peace that you deserve as a human being. Thanks for sharing some of your story.

 

[mymarbles]

i've felt a very similar way gor as long as i can remember. extremely distant from the lived experience. maybe how i describe it resonates with you

like you, ever since i was young i never really cared about living out my whole lifespan. i think it started as intense paranoia that i was gonna get murdered, die in a tornado, or a plane crashing on my house,, kinda random ywah, but it later became a comforting idea that i might die instead of having to live out a whole life. nothing about it interested me at all; going to school, getting a job, marry, have kids, even before puberty i realized i would rather live a short life than dedicate myself with anything relevant to the conscious experience

ive always felt very disconnected but equally awkwardly aware that i just.. exist. as i got older i thoight more critically about existentialism, nihilism, determinism. i constantly feel like i'm trying so hard to live vicariously through my own body, but it's unnatural, everything i do down to my own thoughts is preformative. my conscious experience is too abstract to describe with language. my thoughts come in small, fragmented bits and it's a strenuous effort to reframe into language in order to communicate myself. like i have moments of dissociation when i am throwing up, greening out, or other induced ways and it's a very "it's so cool that i dobt have to experience this right now i get to watch it happen but not to me" but this general disconnect i feel, every waking moment of the conscious experience is quite distinct. and i just don't have the capacity to "care" whether or not i perceive within the conscious experience because both are equally, just, not, in my perception, i really don't know how to articulate it

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Yup. It's gotten so bad that I've considered starting identifying as nonhuman. Sort of how alterhumans do.

I feel like I was just never allowed to be human as a kid. I just put on human skin and tried to survive. The feeling varies from animalistic, to object-like, to specifically doll-like, to alien, to dead/ghost/shadow-like to just... non-existence. I'm genuinely not sure how much of it has to do with me having DID or not, because I think that even without the passive influence of other alters, I'm still not human. I guess I'm nothing?

Honestly it's good to see that I'm not alone. This little forum thread is comforting. Stay strong out there, all yall.

 

[setspiritfree]

Yup. It's gotten so bad that I've considered starting identifying as nonhuman. Sort of how alterhumans do.

I feel like I was just never allowed to be human as a kid. I just put on human skin and tried to survive. The feeling varies from animalistic, to object-like, to specifically doll-like, to alien, to dead/ghost/shadow-like to just... non-existence. I'm genuinely not sure how much of it has to do with me having DID or not, because I think that even without the passive influence of other alters, I'm still not human. I guess I'm nothing?

Honestly it's good to see that I'm not alone. This little forum thread is comforting. Stay strong out there, all yall.

Everything is not okay. Everything is wrong (for me that is). I can't imagine this is the way my life was supposed to be. I am in hell. I wish, oh I wish….i just wish.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

I think so? Saying I'm "not a person" seems a bit strong, but I definitely feel kind of odd sometimes, like I'm different from the people around me. Think this started around late middle / early high school. I don't remember when this was, but I'd sometimes get questions from people like "why don't you talk" which just made me even more self-conscious and isolative. I started spending lunch in the bathroom because I was always alone and had no one to talk to, and just felt really exposed sitting by myself.

 

[gimpyfairy]

I have had a pretty good life except for the fact with one major exception. No reason to go into that now, but I believe it was an event that if it had not happened I would be a completely different person. When I finally pull the plug on this life that is the question I have for God. "WHY DID HE NOT PROTECT ME WHEN I WAS JUST A KID!!!???" That is if there really is a God. I have always thought there has to be but now I am not so sure because why would he allow this to happen to me? Why would he have allowed to be made if He knew it would end in miserable pain and at the end of a rope all alone?

I am such a selfish person I made this post about me and I am sorry for that. I hate you feel this way because now I understand you more. I don't know you and you don't know me but we are communicating. I hate that you have to feel this way all of your life. I hope that one day you will find purpose and meaning and/or the peace that you deserve as a human being. Thanks for sharing some of your story.

This thread is for everyone, it is posed as a question after all, so you aren't being selfish. I'm glad you shared your experience.

I always thought people didn't need a purpose, and for most people I still think that is true, but I think the lack of identity compounds the lack of purpose into this feeling of futility. I don't believe in god even though I was supposed to, but I still don't fear death, and I think when I die this incongruence will cease to be and I'll find peace. Just maybe.

Yup. It's gotten so bad that I've considered starting identifying as nonhuman. Sort of how alterhumans do.

I feel like I was just never allowed to be human as a kid. I just put on human skin and tried to survive. The feeling varies from animalistic, to object-like, to specifically doll-like, to alien, to dead/ghost/shadow-like to just... non-existence. I'm genuinely not sure how much of it has to do with me having DID or not, because I think that even without the passive influence of other alters, I'm still not human. I guess I'm nothing?

Honestly it's good to see that I'm not alone. This little forum thread is comforting. Stay strong out there, all yall.

I've been using the term nonperson. I learned about it as a concept while studying history and philosophy, the concept dates back to thousands of years ago, from my understanding.

Psychologically its typically linked to depersonalisation, but I don't wanna be an armchair psychologist.

/
I'm selfishly relieved and normally saddened that there's people who share my experience. Relieved because I thought no one genuinely felt the same, saddened because no one should feel as we do.

Made the decision to change therapist so I'll see how that goes. Thanks for all the responses!