Discussion Anybody waiting for a parent to pass in order to ctb?

[agony1996]

How many people are thinking abolition waiting till a parent passes in order to ctb.
I want to end my pain so badly but I'm thinking about the pain I'm going to put my 80 year old mother through.
She's had been the most amazing mother, giving up everything as a single mother it was really tough on her but she never let it show, working so hard to take me and my siblings on trips, protecting us ,the love she gave us is in measurable.
It breaks my heart to even think about this, I hurts so bad, I can't stop crying.
I don't know what to do all I do is think about this and I'm in such turmoil , one moment I say I can't take anymore of this agony I'm going to ctb but in the same instant my thoughts go to her and I can't bring myself to do it and the crazy thing is that my love for her is so strong that the very thought of her passing, just the one instant of witnessing her passing, I think that I can't be around for that the pain will just be too much, even if it's just for that moment before I ctb, I just wouldn't be able to tolerate it so as strange as this sound, I want to ctb for that reason so that I don't have to go through that pain but what about the pain she's going to go through.
I know it's selfish of me and I feel like a bad daughter but my pain is unbearable.
I wish there was an easy answer, if I could just snap my fingers and we'd be both gone along with my siblings, why is this so difficult, I'm so angry that I have to be out through this, god, the universe, whatever there is, is so cruel.
I almost feel like it enjoys watching me suffer, I'm just so angry, so sad, so confused, in such unbearable emotional pain. All I can think of is why, why am I being put through this what did I do to deserve this torture. It angers the hell out of me… is anyone else going through this?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

My mom wouldn't survive me CTB. It's the main reason among others why I could not go through with an attempt when I was very suicidal last year.

 

[lostintheloop]

I feel guilt about hurting my parents but they'll be better off in long run . And could be waiting long time if i waited as both early 50s .

 

[agony1996]

My mom wouldn't survive me CTB. It's the main reason among others why I could not go through with an attempt when I was very suicidal last year.

Same my mom wouldn't be able to endure that pain. I actually think that upon hearing the news she would have a heart attack. It's a really hard because if we wait it's unbearable pain for us.

 

[drag201]

Yes, my mom is very important to me and even if we fight or don't always agree, I'm terrified of doing that to her. Shes already lost so many people in life I think if I killed myself she wouldn't ever be able to enjoy anything again. If something were to happen to her then i think i would have absolutely nothing holding me back, but right now it just crushes my heart to even think about how she would feel if i did it.

 

[QueenInsomnia]

I had been. One of my brother's CTB back in 1997, the aftermath of his death was hard on us all, but especially my parents. Up until that point, I had also been considering CTB, but decided that I couldn't put my parents through losing two of their children the same way. My dad died back in 2000 after a brief battle with lung cancer, and my mom passed in 2019 after an extended battle with pulmonary fibrosis. The hospital let me and my brother see my mom right after she had passed. Her eyes were still open, but milky, her mouth slightly open, and her face in general looked like shock, which I'm sure it probably was. But I do wonder what must have been going through her mind in those final moments. She knew death was coming soon, she had pretty much had her "final" conversations with everyone that mattered to her. Now I'm left with family that I rarely interact with, and don't want them having any access to any of my things after I pass, so I've written a will and have my best friend as the executor of my "estate".

 

[atdusk]

I am not "waiting" for their death because I don't have a firm purpose of killing myself at the present time, but they are the only persons that hold me back when I have overwhelming feelings about it.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I want to wait for my Dad to go first. He's in his late 70's. I think it would devastate him if I did it. Unless things get unbearably worse, I'm hoping I can hang on. What's becoming harder though is trying not to let on that this is what I hope to do in the end. I think, just the thought of it would really hurt my Dad. I also feel similarly to you that, his death is going to devastate me. I'm hoping I have the guts to CTB as quickly as possible after he goes- in order to spare myself that (again.) I've already lost so many loved ones. Plus, I don't want to have to see certain people from my childhood. (It's literally a phobic level of fear when I think about having to see them again.)

 

[tsykoais]

i was, however my father which was the only reason i had left to live passed away in may after almost 6 months of being a coma/non responsive state due to a severe brain hemorrhage. they say everything happens for a reason in life but it really doesn't.

 

[agony1996]

I had been. One of my brother's CTB back in 1997, the aftermath of his death was hard on us all, but especially my parents. Up until that point, I had also been considering CTB, but decided that I couldn't put my parents through losing two of their children the same way. My dad died back in 2000 after a brief battle with lung cancer, and my mom passed in 2019 after an extended battle with pulmonary fibrosis. The hospital let me and my brother see my mom right after she had passed. Her eyes were still open, but milky, her mouth slightly open, and her face in general looked like shock, which I'm sure it probably was. But I do wonder what must have been going through her mind in those final moments. She knew death was coming soon, she had pretty much had her "final" conversations with everyone that mattered to her. Now I'm left with family that I rarely interact with, and don't want them having any access to any of my things after I pass, so I've written a will and have my best friend as the executor of my "estate".

Wow reading your post absolutely breaks my heart, you have been through so much, the loss of all your loved ones.
You're extremely strong.
It's really sad I can't imagine going through losing even one of my loved ones. I'm so sorry for your losses.
I wish I had some words of comfort.
It truly breaks my heart all I can tell you is that I'm here anytime you feel like venting

i was, however my father which was the only reason i had left to live passed away in may after almost 6 months of being a coma/non responsive state due to a severe brain hemorrhage. they say everything happens for a reason in life but it really doesn't.

I'm sorry for your loss, yeah I never believed that everything happens for a reason. Whats the reason for putting us all through this pain? I can't think of any.

 

[QueenInsomnia]

Wow reading your post absolutely breaks my heart, you have been through so much, the loss of all your loved ones.
You're extremely strong.
It's really sad I can't imagine going through losing even one of my loved ones. I'm so sorry for your losses.
I wish I had some words of comfort.
It truly breaks my heart all I can tell you is that I'm here anytime you feel like venting

Thank you. That is just one of the many reasons I'm on this forum. I don't know what awaits me on the other side, but I do hope for some reunions in a place that knows no pain or sorrow.

 

[smaragdyne]

This thread is something I've wanted to ask but didn't have to strength to communicate yet. Thank you.

I'm fairly young (early 30's). I would say I'm waiting for my parents to die before I go but I doubt I can wait that long. My mother is an active happy healthy person with probably 30-40 more years left; sometimes I worry she'll outlive me (I have some type of undiagnosed condition, whatever it is isn't good) My dad is aging as badly as my mom is well, but he still has at least a decade left if not more. My sister will be fine, she's way too "normal" to not get over it after a couple years.

Now, to address the "universe is suffering" comment: (warning: religious dogma)
(cognitohazard = something you cannot un-see/un-read/changes you mentally)

Spoiler: Shameless Gnostic Proselytizing Ahead!

I have sought to understand this my whole life, I had too many questions for my Catholic upbringing to handle. Allow me to start with this: Basically, Old Testament God does not equal New Testament God. This is part of Christian "Gnosticism" (a diverse set of beliefs, keep that in mind if you Google it please!)

The creator of the material world is called "Yaldabaoth", its kind of like "Yahweh or "Jehovah", just another version of YHWH. This guy is the one to blame for why the material world sucks so hard. He basically just traps angelic spirits in material form to torture them, because why not, right? And before you say it, no, CTB does not automatically free you from this! You just end up reincarnated. He's not that stupid :)

So, the true God, the "Monad", sees this and, being the omnibenevolent being they are, sends Jesus to get us out of here. Which is why Jesus preaches about this "New Testament God" that seems so different from Old Testament God. I guess the Catholic Church wasn't able to censor out the obvious contradiction without just erasing the entire Gospel. So, Gnostics believe Jesus tried to teach us how to escape from this endless cycle of suffering, or as I have come to call it since joining here, "catching the spiritual bus", lmao.

TL;DR, Gnostics like me think material existence is inherently bad and full of suffering. The trick is learning how to escape, and apparently Jesus gave us the info we need. Still trying to figure it out myself :(

I'm sorry that my post can't offer you much comfort, so I offer at least some knowledge. See you around :)

 

[agony1996]

I want to wait for my Dad to go first. He's in his late 70's. I think it would devastate him if I did it. Unless things get unbearably worse, I'm hoping I can hang on. What's becoming harder though is trying not to let on that this is what I hope to do in the end. I think, just the thought of it would really hurt my Dad. I also feel similarly to you that, his death is going to devastate me. I'm hoping I have the guts to CTB as quickly as possible after he goes- in order to spare myself that (again.) I've already lost so many loved ones. Plus, I don't want to have to see certain people from my childhood. (It's literally a phobic level of fear when I think about having to see them again.)

I thought I was alone in not being able to see my moms passing, just saying those words passing in the same sentence as my mom it absolutely shatters me it's a pain that's understandable. I start bawling everytime just at the thought.
It's such a hard dilemma that we're in.
And I also understand you not wanting to show your dad your pain.
I try my hardest to put on smile for my mom but it is such a huge effort, when you're dying inside but my mom knows I'm depressed but not suicidal.
I don't go out, don't have any friends , I'm always in my room. I can't disguise it since I live with her at the age of 50 because I was suicidal and couldn't take care of myself living alone.
She always says the day I see you making friends and going out, will be the happiest day of my life, imagine the guilt I feel.
I don't know what to say, what can we do, what's the answer?
Well I just want to say the I feel your pain and you can message me anytime

 

[Sunset Limited]

I am here for my mom. I will wait.

 

[sleepingrabbit]

Not my mom, but sister and grandma.
Maybe also my elderly childhood cat.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

Yes. I'm in a similar situation with my mom being of a similar age and now my only sibling has stage 3 cancer. They're the last of my immediate family. Besides them I have an uncle I'd hate to let down. If I ctb now, it will look like I'm abandoning my mom and sis at their worst. I'm broken, everything's unraveled in life. Even if I personally recover, I have a long road ahead with lots of grief and an overwhelming amount of responsibility laying on my shoulders to sort out. I'm so over this life.

 

[Kali_Yuga13]

This thread is something I've wanted to ask but didn't have to strength to communicate yet. Thank you.

I read your spoiler and feel comfort knowing another gnostic here. Maybe we're reincarnated Cathars! There's been more than one prison planet and reincarnation trap threads here. It's kinda sad as ctb is not a recommended solution for the cosmic dilemma we may face. However, for me it's a solution for a life that's nearly impossible to reconcile.

"Cognitohazard" - I love this term and describes why it's so hard for me to even seek help. Describing my concerns to a regular therapist or friend would actually be harmful to them. They can't handle the truth!

 

[agony1996]

Yes, my mom is very important to me and even if we fight or don't always agree, I'm terrified of doing that to her. Shes already lost so many people in life I think if I killed myself she wouldn't ever be able to enjoy anything again. If something were to happen to her then i think i would have absolutely nothing holding me back, but right now it just crushes my heart to even think about how she would feel if i did it.

I know it's a horrible feeling completely crushes your heart, shatters your heart into a million pieces. I understand you.

 

[Trappednocure]

Honestly Ive been thinking about this many times since it would be my mother especially that would be hurt he most if I went away. Rest of my family would be able to get over it.

 

[Misanthrope0000]

Yeah I'm waiting for my 80 year old grandmother to pass or maybe go and live with someone else before I attempt again

 

[agony1996]

Honestly Ive been thinking about this many times since it would be my mother especially that would be hurt he most if I went away. Rest of my family would be able to get over it.

I'm sorry you're in the same situation.
It's so painful and heartbreaking that we even have to say that we're waiting for our parents to pass, let alone think about it and feel all the mixed emotions that tear your heart apart.

 

[astonishedturnip]

I'm caught in between wanting to die before my parents so I won't have to live without them or watch them pass, and not wanting them to have to outlive their baby girl, since they're good parents and would be devastated if anything happened to me. So, stuck, unless some random gas leak or meteor crash happens to take us out at the same time.

 

[Faxanadu]

I am still alive because I know that my death would destroy my mother's heart, so I wait and in the meantime I inquire and plan.

When the time comes I will be ready, lucid and cold: it will not be a reckless move.

 

[27ClubSoon]

It's the reason I'm still alive. It would destroy my parents that is what keeps me going.

When I've been at the end of the rope I just couldn't let go I look back and I think that was the main reason why. No matter how much I felt pain in those moments it's so hard when I thought about what it would do to them.

It'll likely be a long time before they pass, 15-30 years I'd guess. So in it for the long haul until then.

 

[agony1996]

I'm caught in between wanting to die before my parents so I won't have to live without them or watch them pass, and not wanting them to have to outlive their baby girl, since they're good parents and would be devastated if anything happened to me. So, stuck, unless some random gas leak or meteor crash happens to take us out at the same time.

I didn't think too many people thought this way but I absolutely feel the same way i

I am still alive because I know that my death would destroy my mother's heart, so I wait and in the meantime I inquire and plan.

When the time comes I will be ready, lucid and cold: it will not be a reckless move.

I feel you it's such so difficult we don't want to put our mother through that pain so we have to endure ours.
I'm sorry you're suffering as well

I'm caught in between wanting to die before my parents so I won't have to live without them or watch them pass, and not wanting them to have to outlive their baby girl, since they're good parents and would be devastated if anything happened to me. So, stuck, unless some random gas leak or meteor crash happens to take us out at the same time.

I thought I was the only one to think thst way I'm so terrified of that moment happening, my mom passing I can't see that. I don't want to be around for that, I don't even like to use the word, passing I've always been in denial that she could go but now I'm terrified, I see her getting fatigued easily and she doesn't have the strength she use to have, it absolutely shatters my heart so I also want to ctb before that happening.
I completely understand you and feel for you

 

[Lookingtoflyfree]

I had a parent I was living for but now no parents. I have a sibling and I know it would devastate her but I can't keep living on hold for others. I would love it to look like a victim of a violent crime or an accidental death and will tie up loose ends to make sure it stays that way. But me going out knowing the truth makes me feel good. I have not been living, so at least in my death I have a choice. I also have a therapist who I think would be upset but again - I am not living so I need a release from fear and trauma.