Dawn0071111
Hungry Ghost
- Dec 9, 2018
- 570
If the issue is being emotioanally stunted, undeveloped, personality never fully formed, fundamental brokenness------- At the base level recovery is like someone saying that I could be happy if I was willing to be skinned alive with a fire-hot razor and drug through salt and broken glass everyday..... for a few years. For me its not the pain of exsisting. It what it would take to humble myself. I can't do it. I feel so evil, sick and awful. I tried. I so many things. But in the end I would have to FACE MYSELF and I would rather die than do so because that death would be worse than dying. I wish recovery for me just meant checking into a rehab, or therapy (which I am in). But to finally no loner be a victim, to take responsibility? I wish I could have been born with a tendancy to tenderness, sweetness, submissiveness....... But the abuse I have endured in my formative years hardened me into a personality that can't handle shame, humiliation, being wrong.... it feels like a living death. I realize that this is not my fault, and my decision to choose self-delivernce is perfectly rational even though those who are not in my body and mind will ever think so .. but fuck them. If they were in my head, they would do the same thing, faced with the same choices. I can't help how I am and the path out is ridiculously out of proportion to any reward. My reward system got hyjacked. I am undiagnosed, but I know its bad. No medication can help me, no therapy. Only to look in the mirror and say I will change. Nope.
