Wrath
Long live my dead dreams.
- Dec 12, 2024
- 24
I've come back after close to a year. I'm probably going to make a long story post about my journey so far that no one will read, but if there's someone like me on here they'll probably end up reading it lol. Mostly because I have a massive problem of just analyzing everything constantly, it's probably due to my own procrastination, but I just keep reading and reading posts on here neverending. Hundreds, thousands of different posts, even old ones from years ago. I can't really blame myself, this is the only place where I really feel mostly at home. The only other places I go on are forums for people that are completely isolated from social interaction and struggle to make friends, think NEETS or foreveralone. I constantly scroll those too haha.
What I just hate is that I seem to be procrastinating my own death. I got almost every piece in april, but still need to get anti-emetics. I could go and buy those right now. Yet here I sit on my underweight ass scrolling more posts to refine my method(SN) again and again. Numbing spray, anti anxiety, sleeping pills, what dosage? what brand? what time? what hour? what day? what minute? what song do I play when I die? do I play songs the whole day? how would I order that playlist? how would I set the volume? should I finally buy my first phone and use wireless earbuds? or headphones? or do I use my cheap monitor speaker and just halfass it? what clothes do I wear? what socks? do I wear shoes? maybe a hat? maybe I should go naked? I don't want to shit myself so I guess I'll take laxatives and clear out my gut first. Do I want to go through the whole dmt trip at the end of life? or do I find some drug to counteract that so when I go it is just blackness?
All this shit and more is driving me insane. I keep answering questions, yet still more appear. I guess what I'll try to do is just post my thoughts about stuff on this forum to try to counteract some of the stagnicity of this bullshit. It'll help keep me moving forward instead of just scrolling forums over and over like I have been doing the last 4 years. I dropped out of highschool and got my equivalent, but I regret it. If I ever had to go back to any educational institution in the future I would kill myself even faster than now. But it was still a mistake to drop out. Maybe if I just kept forcing myself then I could have done it, stayed ignorant, stayed dumb, stayed stupid and blind. But I just had to look in the mirror and ask why I never did anything outside of school with 'friends'. I thought that only ever happened in movies.
Maybe maybe maybe. It's all a big fat fucking maybe then NO. I'm so fucking done. I've been so fucking done.
What I just hate is that I seem to be procrastinating my own death. I got almost every piece in april, but still need to get anti-emetics. I could go and buy those right now. Yet here I sit on my underweight ass scrolling more posts to refine my method(SN) again and again. Numbing spray, anti anxiety, sleeping pills, what dosage? what brand? what time? what hour? what day? what minute? what song do I play when I die? do I play songs the whole day? how would I order that playlist? how would I set the volume? should I finally buy my first phone and use wireless earbuds? or headphones? or do I use my cheap monitor speaker and just halfass it? what clothes do I wear? what socks? do I wear shoes? maybe a hat? maybe I should go naked? I don't want to shit myself so I guess I'll take laxatives and clear out my gut first. Do I want to go through the whole dmt trip at the end of life? or do I find some drug to counteract that so when I go it is just blackness?
All this shit and more is driving me insane. I keep answering questions, yet still more appear. I guess what I'll try to do is just post my thoughts about stuff on this forum to try to counteract some of the stagnicity of this bullshit. It'll help keep me moving forward instead of just scrolling forums over and over like I have been doing the last 4 years. I dropped out of highschool and got my equivalent, but I regret it. If I ever had to go back to any educational institution in the future I would kill myself even faster than now. But it was still a mistake to drop out. Maybe if I just kept forcing myself then I could have done it, stayed ignorant, stayed dumb, stayed stupid and blind. But I just had to look in the mirror and ask why I never did anything outside of school with 'friends'. I thought that only ever happened in movies.
Maybe maybe maybe. It's all a big fat fucking maybe then NO. I'm so fucking done. I've been so fucking done.
