Venting Ambivalent about dying or living

[cookiencream]

Idk why but I went back to my set up. I put everything up and I stepped off. The rope was a lil long so my feet were on the floor. I started feeling dizzy and stuff, but not scared. I stepped up onto a cement block and just untied it. I feel weirdly calm now. Like if I really wanted to, it just takes 10 mins for me to set up. And I can do it about any time. I don't have the emotional ompf to commit to it right now. Idk if that's the meds or SI. I have all the logical reasons to kill myself. I don't even have emotional reasons to be alive. So ig all I need is that ompf. Or not idc right now.
I'm wondering if I should just keep playing russian roulette. Setting everything up then seeing if I can step off fully.

 

[R. A.]

The ability to go when/if I so choose is a huge load off for me, at least. I don't love my method but it's probably the best I'm going to get. If I lost access to it, or became incapacitated such that I couldn't execute it...a dark day indeed.