am I the only one who feels this way??!! (more info. in post)

[glowing.purple.aura]

I accidentally exited the SaSu tab now I gotta type this again

but

Literally whenever, no matter if I feel happy in the moment, I can agree that

I would much rather die RIGHT NOW than go on to live a happy life

maybe it's because all my happiness is short-lived due to my excessive worrying and just CONSTANTLY waiting for something to go wrong until it does, but like

nothing to "live for" is worth it.. what am I supposed to be happy for? the small things?! gtfo.. NO!!!!!!!!!!

howwwwwww about a small bullet to my head?!?!??!! they're about the sameeee... righhhtttt?? RIGHT????!!!?? gUYs c'MoN!!!

apparently it's because I've been suffering for so long that it's impossible to imagine myself happy rn (but I've been feeling this way for 5+ years so let's just wrap it up now )

 

[Badger88]

I feel like this everyday.

The constant battle to look happy for others, but in my head I'm always waiting for the next f' up. I lay awake thinking about what bad thing will appear the next day.

 

[NutOrat]

I relate heavily. I think for me it's because even if I know I have a chance at living a happy life, the amount of work I'd have to do and make up for all the time I've wasted is too much. I can't, and truly, I don't want to. I've always been called lazy, and since childhood have internalized it, I remember even joking that I am "the god of laziness" at school. Others still call me lazy, but I know there's more to it, and I don't believe it's a sin, even if it's a conscious choice.

 

[Jadeith]

Anhedonia is a bitch. What was once a joyful activity, a hobby perhaps, now becomes a burden, a chore or boring at best. Even if sth temporarily makes you smile, it never lasts long, almost instantly drowned by endless predictions and variations of Murphy's law.

Yea, i think i know what are you talking about...

 

[LigottiIsRight]

I relate, my happy moments are always poisoned with the worry that they'll end quickly. Fuck this disfunctionality.