Venting Am i human ?

[AntisocialGG]

My psychiatrist started with the terms of antisocial personality disorder. I fit most of the profile, he gave me new meds for impulsivity and stuff. Recently i harmed a friend emotionally in a serious way. In some way, i don't like what i did. But it's more about the outcome rather than regret itself. I wonder if having almost no convection with any type of emotions makes me less human, or if it makes me deserve death. Honestly, either way, if i deserve it or not, i wanna ctb, i don't think being this type of people shoud exist, almost all they do is cause harm, on themselves and on others. We (starting from now i'll consider from that community) are a bomb, waiting to make a bigger explosion. Obsessed with something we lack, connection/emotion. Almost everything harmful we do is to feel something. But i don't want to feel empty. Matter fact, i don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to be here. It's just too much things and a long way to go. Painful in my way, empty, wanting something it's so difficult for me to even think about it, empathy is just so intuitive for the rest of people and for me it's just not there. If i'd care i wouldn't think about ctb because i would know that i will make people around me feel bad for a long time. But right now, when i let myself feel any type of emotion i just feel indifference loneliness and sadness related emotions. It's just not a great place to be. Days been feeling like weeks for me, and i can't see over 3 days further in my life. I just can't imagine me there and i don't want to be there. I don't want to be. I don't want to exist. It's curious how statistically ASPD people tend to suffer from depression aswell and not many people here share their experience with that (or i've not searched enough). Even tho that wouldn't make me feel better, it's just something i noticed. Maybe most of them are in trouble with drugs or in a cell. Being in one doesn't seem like a bad idea, specially if it's a psychiatric. You just drug yourself and exist, nothing to do there, almost like the non existent state i want to be. The closest you can get physically. Well being in a coma is more like that, but that's hard to achieve. CTB methods have been around my mind for way too long, and i'm really considering getting a job just to get SN. I don't even see myself in next year.
Thanks for reading, this is almost how i think and it's very complex, i tried organizing it the best way possible

 

[justanotherfailure]

You are a human and you don't deserve death. I'm sorry that you want to die. It's natural to feel that emptiness inside of you - that's part of being human. I wish I could fix that for you or at least offer advice, but I'm struggling with that emptiness myself and I feel your pain

 

[looking4partner]

My psychiatrist started with the terms of antisocial personality disorder. I fit most of the profile, he gave me new meds for impulsivity and stuff. Recently i harmed a friend emotionally in a serious way. In some way, i don't like what i did. But it's more about the outcome rather than regret itself. I wonder if having almost no convection with any type of emotions makes me less human, or if it makes me deserve death. Honestly, either way, if i deserve it or not, i wanna ctb, i don't think being this type of people shoud exist, almost all they do is cause harm, on themselves and on others. We (starting from now i'll consider from that community) are a bomb, waiting to make a bigger explosion. Obsessed with something we lack, connection/emotion. Almost everything harmful we do is to feel something. But i don't want to feel empty. Matter fact, i don't want to feel anything anymore. I don't want to be here. It's just too much things and a long way to go. Painful in my way, empty, wanting something it's so difficult for me to even think about it, empathy is just so intuitive for the rest of people and for me it's just not there. If i'd care i wouldn't think about ctb because i would know that i will make people around me feel bad for a long time. But right now, when i let myself feel any type of emotion i just feel indifference loneliness and sadness related emotions. It's just not a great place to be. Days been feeling like weeks for me, and i can't see over 3 days further in my life. I just can't imagine me there and i don't want to be there. I don't want to be. I don't want to exist. It's curious how statistically ASPD people tend to suffer from depression aswell and not many people here share their experience with that (or i've not searched enough). Even tho that wouldn't make me feel better, it's just something i noticed. Maybe most of them are in trouble with drugs or in a cell. Being in one doesn't seem like a bad idea, specially if it's a psychiatric. You just drug yourself and exist, nothing to do there, almost like the non existent state i want to be. The closest you can get physically. Well being in a coma is more like that, but that's hard to achieve. CTB methods have been around my mind for way too long, and i'm really considering getting a job just to get SN. I don't even see myself in next year.
Thanks for reading, this is almost how i think and it's very complex, i tried organizing it the best way possible

1. Yes, you are human. I am pretty sure that a lot of people with these diagnoses experienced a high level of trauma in their lives starting from a very young age. And they become desensitized so that they can cope with this amount of trauma.

2. I think I saw a YouTube interview of a lady with ASPD and she talked about how finding the right therapeutic treatment is very important to help everyone with this diagnosis and how they are not as bad of people as what stereotypes make it seem like, but the social stigma about it can make it difficult to request and find help. (It also might have been sociopathy and not ASPD, but I will see if I can find the video. But it was something that a lot of criminals are diagnosed with and the lady was saying that it doesn't mean that being a criminal is the only outcome for people with this diagnosis and they can find other outlets for their urges to do dangerous things and escalate seeing how much they are able to get away with)

I found it, here is the video:

3. Not to armchair diagnose, but I think many people who are actually autistic are misdiagnosed with this because they can come across as not appearing to have empathy when in reality, they are just unaware of the "proper" way to show and express empathy and how to process other people's emotions which can be overstimulating & overwhelming for them. Autistic people also struggle with identifying their emotions (alexithymia) and connecting with other people because it is difficult to relate to people who don't share the same neurological differences. (And even can be difficult to relate to other people who are autistic, but they can usually relate to a lot of similar struggles that other autistic people experience.) Part of the reason why I bring this up is because I thought I had read that ASPD people don't feel regret about hurting other people emotionally or feel guilt? And I thought that fact was part of how it is diagnosed. If the lady in that YouTube video I mentioned has ASPD, then I'm pretty sure this is true.

4. Emptiness & numbness & apathy can also be symptoms of depression. (Not to talk down because I think you mentioned this in your post.) I just also know that people think that autistic people don't feel emotion because they can look unemotional/have flat affect and monotone tone in their voice. But they actually do feel emotions, they just don't always visually show them with facial expressions in the expected ways. And most of the researchers do not ask them about this to get an accurate answer. They assume based on the lack of facial expressions without just asking the person which is so aggravating.