Am i a coward?

[Long Live Me !]

Maybe i'm just not brave enough to kill myself, or maybe it's because i believe in God, it's been months since i started cutting myself to "feel better" like the others do, but it's never as deep as the ones i see on internet (yeah that sounds ridiculous ik)

sometimes i'm jealous of people that have big issues in their life, at least they have a reason to feel that way, my life is shit, my grades are shit, my family is shit, and i just KNOW i don't have any future. Yesterday, my brother yelled at me and kept repeating like crazy that i was shit over and over, that he should kill me, or leave me on the road, at least he didn't beat the crap out of me like he did when i was little, then, when he was done, he came back to me and said "i'm just worried abt you, but you know i love you" etc, then tried to hug me but i left cuz wdym he thought it would fix all the shit he made me go through since I was a child? For now, idk what's going to happen but he for sure will never talk to me again

I just hope to get run over by a truck or something by accident so i can still go to heaven, i can't even cut myself properly it's pathetic, i feel like i don't suffer enough.

 

[Jadeith]

Am i a coward?

No. Not killing yourself, not cutting deep IS NOT a sign of cowardice. Suicide is an option, a choice you might make at some point but definitely it is not a race, competition, a trend you need to follow or virtue signal. And it needs to be well thought through before attempting as there are several ways to do it but no known way to return once it is successfully performed.

kept repeating like crazy that i was shit

Are you? Can you objectively prove it to me that you're shit? Because if not, don't give flying intercourse what others (your "bro" included) say about you. And no, shitty grades or shitty family do not prove you being shit. Not everyone needs to be a genius. Remember, there's only one first place and a fuckton of competitors. Besides, today's education is shit in general so even if you are really retarded, bad grades are only partially your fault, if at all. And family? You don't get to choose them, you didn't ask to be born into them so you carry no blame for them being shit.

 

[StoicPizza]

We're not cowards. I'm confined to my bed after a day of being confined attempting from my bed. I want these thoughts to stop i want it all to stop but this is the only way

 

[Unknown21]

I feel like i don't wanna die i just want a better life and stable brain maybe.

 

[Jadeith]

I feel like i don't wanna die i just want a better life and stable brain maybe.

That last one. And maybe some selective memory loss too. Forgetting how much of a failure i am would help greatly maintaining brain stability.
Better life can do myself. Still have operational hands.

 

[looking4partner]

I feel like i don't wanna die i just want a better life and stable brain maybe.

I wish we could all trade our brains for stable brains. So many dreams & life hopes & milestones I want(ed) to be able to do that have been ripped away from me by mere chance & the unluckiness of life that would be possible if I was able to do this. And that I would have the motivation for & enjoyment of instead of total overwhelm :(

There are so many things I have always wanted & would do if I could be a different person with a different life and a stable brain. I also feel like I could achieve a level of success at life. Because I used to be smarter & I could have my strong beliefs and opinions without severe self-doubt taking away all of my confidence. And maybe I could also be assertive in life without feeling unbearable guilt about it.

And maybe I would also know what it feels like to be truly accepted & loved for who I am, and valid to express my full identity without constant criticism and judgment, emotionally supported, and could rely on someone to defend me. Anyway, I guess that is my dream life. I get very jealous of the people who are able to live it in this lifetime and who also seem content. And the people I have seen who are neurodivergent, but somehow say they have never even had an ideation thought once. I have almost no understanding of how that is possible especially if one is not a very young child. And that they like everything about themselves and didn't develop additional mental illness because of negative treatment from others around them. And also jealous of the people who say they found mental health treatments that literally saved their life or somehow stopped their ideation who were able to find that early on in life and had strong support accessing it. (Literally, the first treatment I ever tried ruined my life. And I am now terrified of how much worse every option could possibly make me become based on the level of increasing suffering I have had to endure after already experiencing years of neglected and untreated severe mental illness)

I feel like there are so many things I would have been able to enjoy if this was not how my life turned out. And I don't know why I keep having rare & underresearched things happen to me.

Even if I had one supportive person close to me to stay with me throughout my current condition and help me access treatment & accept my current level of functioning & believe and assist me with some of the things that could possibly be part of the issue, I feel like there is at least a chance I could possibly make it through.

Maybe i'm just not brave enough to kill myself, or maybe it's because i believe in God, it's been months since i started cutting myself to "feel better" like the others do, but it's never as deep as the ones i see on internet (yeah that sounds ridiculous ik)

sometimes i'm jealous of people that have big issues in their life, at least they have a reason to feel that way, my life is shit, my grades are shit, my family is shit, and i just KNOW i don't have any future. Yesterday, my brother yelled at me and kept repeating like crazy that i was shit over and over, that he should kill me, or leave me on the road, at least he didn't beat the crap out of me like he did when i was little, then, when he was done, he came back to me and said "i'm just worried abt you, but you know i love you" etc, then tried to hug me but i left cuz wdym he thought it would fix all the shit he made me go through since I was a child? For now, idk what's going to happen but he for sure will never talk to me again

I just hope to get run over by a truck or something by accident so i can still go to heaven, i can't even cut myself properly it's pathetic, i feel like i don't suffer enough.

No, you are not a coward. Idk if this is encouraging, but my friend said they had a nurse with self-harm scars and she was one of the only nurses they felt Iike they could trust because she would actually listen to them when they were experiencing pain or discomfort and did not try to invalidate their experience. And they treated people better than some of their coworkers and were more accepting of differences