Always saying the wrong thing

[woofwag]

I do it every time and always put people off. Am I stupid or something? (yes)


I still rip my hair out over things I've said wrong over twelve years ago. And I continue to do it, so clearly I'm going bald (not really but you get it). Like every single day, I say a new dumb thing. I'm glad people are patient with me or I'd have no friends. But idk. How does anyone live when they fuck up every single social interaction ever? It's part of the reason I avoid people. Even online, I mostly lurk. I'm just so bad at it. Aren't I meant to be a social creature? This is supposedly my whole deal, being someone who's studied social behaviors very rigorously. I was looking up "how to talk to people" and going on deep dives since I was eleven. When will I get good at this shit?? (never)

Anyway I've noticed that embarrassment is one of the major triggers for my suicidal ideation, so I am kinda just always plagued by looming feelings of being a social disaster as well as being a generalized disaster. I'm lucky people think I'm kinda cute and pathetic. Otherwise I'd probably have killed myself years ago. Or not. Turns out I'm really bad at everything, including trying to ctb.

 

[Sheisgoneee]

Stop beating yourself up. Your friends probably find it cute, and as humans we all feel awkward in social situations because of the deep desire to connect with each other. We've talked a lot, and even from your texting style I could see you have a social butterfly in you. You are not stupid, or whichever wrong adjective you want to glue to yourself. You are you, you are perfect the way you are, and believe me only good people over examine themselves like that

 

[woofwag]

Stop beating yourself up. Your friends probably find it cute, and as humans we all feel awkward in social situations because of the deep desire to connect with each other. We've talked a lot, and even from your texting style I could see you have a social butterfly in you. You are not stupid, or whichever wrong adjective you want to glue to yourself. You are you, you are perfect the way you are, and believe me only good people over examine themselves like that

Thank you for saying this I feel like sometimes I get nervous about silence and say too much at once, which often leads me to saying stupid bullshit. I can't flirt for shit. No idea how to comfort people. I want to try, and I keep trying. It just feels so impossible sometimes. Especially on days like these. I made a couple social faux pas today and it's killing meeeeee ugh. I want to just hide in my room all day now. But I still have to at least talk to my roomie again for help with my shot today so... wish me luck ig haha

 

[_Vasa&Me_]

I don't remember the exact details from the last time we talked, or some info from your other posts but iirc (and correct me if I am wrong) you already have certain people who care for you and want to spend time with you, so I assume it is not yet all doom and gloom for you, treasure those people, they are the real ones.

As for interactions with new/unfamiliar people, it happens to all of us, don't think too much about it, eventually someone will come to appreciate you for being you and make extra moves to comfort you in a convo and form real bonds with you, I am certain of it because you seem like a wonderful person to talk to and be around, plus u have very interesting hobbies, and who doesn't love those?

 

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

I would gi e a 350 word awnser to this but im too sleepy for it so, dont hate yourself, ur beautiful, u arent annoying and your friends find u cute cuz u are
Im sry im too sleepy to rationally think, im just writing this cuz iwould not be able to sleep thinking i could have made someone potentially happier.
Kisses
Im here if u need me

 

[woofwag]

I don't remember the exact details from the last time we talked, or some info from your other posts but iirc (and correct me if I am wrong) you already have certain people who care for you and want to spend time with you, so I assume it is not yet all doom and gloom for you, treasure those people, they are the real ones.

As for interactions with new/unfamiliar people, it happens to all of us, don't think too much about it, eventually someone will come to appreciate you for being you and make extra moves to comfort you in a convo and form real bonds with you, I am certain of it because you seem like a wonderful person to talk to and be around, plus u have very interesting hobbies, and who doesn't love those?

I do have people in my life who love me, yes :) and I love them too, very much. But even with them I still worry ya know? I think I'm in another spiral besides trying to actually help myself and get a job and do all the things I've wanted to do, I still am just like,, doing all this reckless shit. I'm literally on Grindr rn messaging people cuz it's low-stakes interaction I stole more shit. I plan on stealing more. Reached out to one of my plugs (he's not even selling anymore tho UGH). I want to love and appreciate all the people in my life. I mean ofc I already do! But I also keep fucking up. I can't seem to stop talking about wanting to ctb and ik it worries them. My bestie tells me, "you're not allowed to die," and all I can think to that is, "fuckin watch me." I don't say that one at least.

Sorry that's a lot. This was still a very encouraging and sweet message, thank you.

I would gi e a 350 word awnser to this but im too sleepy for it so, dont hate yourself, ur beautiful, u arent annoying and your friends find u cute cuz u are
Im sry im too sleepy to rationally think, im just writing this cuz iwould not be able to sleep thinking i could have made someone potentially happier.
Kisses
Im here if u need me

Hehe I like your sleepy-style texting. This was super cute and made me giggle in line at the pharmacy lol. Thank you, genuinely. I'm not sure if I'm really that beautiful, considering you can't see me. But I appreciate the sentiment nontheless.
Thank you <3 xoxo

 

[OnnanokoNiNaritai]

Hehe I like your sleepy-style texting. This was super cute and made me giggle in line at the pharmacy lol. Thank you, genuinely. I'm not sure if I'm really that beautiful, considering you can't see me. But I appreciate the sentiment nontheless.
Thank you <3 xoxo

Awumm ur so cutesy
I will do a real awnser latter

 

[woofwag]

Awumm ur so cutesy
I will do a real awnser latter

Aw hehe thank you, made me blush :) no pressure to either, a good 80% of the time on this site I'm just word vomiting all the things I know I can't say to anyone IRL lol (but ofc I do always appreciate replies)

 

[fallingbehind]

I have severe rumination problems as well. All I do for days on end sometimes is think about how stupid and pathetic I was from childhood to early adulthood.

 

[woofwag]

I have severe rumination problems as well. All I do for days on end sometimes is think about how stupid and pathetic I was from childhood to early adulthood.

Same. I hate that we have to live like this. I don't think it's our fault even; I think we were just conditioned to feel like we were stupid from making the smallest insignificant mistake. Like ok why am I being bullied at 12 years old for not laughing at at a stupid un-funny joke like jesus sorry that I'm apparently socially obligated to assuage everyone's discomfort in every social situation ever.

But regardless I have definitely said a lotttt of dumb shit. And I still do. I think I upset someone on this forum trying to be encouraging and I always feel so bad about that cuz I just want to help and comfort people but I'm so bad at it. I've done this many times IRL too and agh it makes me feel like I should die so much. I want to be a helpful person who people can turn to for support, but I'm so fucked up I only make things worse :(

It makes me wanna die so much. I wish I could be healthy and healed and pleasant. But I can't seem to ever get it right. I think I'm cooked chat

 

[fallingbehind]

Same. I hate that we have to live like this. I don't think it's our fault even; I think we were just conditioned to feel like we were stupid from making the smallest insignificant mistake. Like ok why am I being bullied at 12 years old for not laughing at at a stupid un-funny joke like jesus sorry that I'm apparently socially obligated to assuage everyone's discomfort in every social situation ever.

Literally. Whats crazy is that I (not sure if its the same in your situation) became a massive people pleaser because I was really hoping that if I was extra nice people would like me/give me meaning. And that made the rumination 100× worse because I would overanalyse everything down to someones body language like "Did they think that was funny? Do they hate me now?". Absolutely ridiculous behaviour, and though Im not a people pleaser anymore the habit (?) sticks around.

 

[woofwag]

Literally. Whats crazy is that I (not sure if its the same in your situation) became a massive people pleaser because I was really hoping that if I was extra nice people would like me/give me meaning. And that made the rumination 100× worse because I would overanalyse everything down to someones body language like "Did they think that was funny? Do they hate me now?". Absolutely ridiculous behaviour, and though Im not a people pleaser anymore the habit (?) sticks around.

It totally is. I was literally trained to be a people pleaser by my parents too. I have such a hard time bringing up any mild discomfort with anyone. I also have BPD and am autistic so I'm constantly doing the whole "I totally fucked up that conversation. They hate me. I should kill myself now so I don't have to deal with the fall-out." And most of the time they're fine and maybe even enjoyed our conversation. But there is a percentage of the time that they don't, especially on dates, and I end up feeling so rejected and dumb and undesirable. Like all my efforts to get people to like me are null and I'm probably disgusting and ugly and everyone knows it but won't say it. Idk if I'm still a people pleaser, but the behaviors do still crop up from time to time. I wish I could be normal and charming like how so many people seem to do effortlessly.

 

[Sheisgoneee]

Thank you for saying this I feel like sometimes I get nervous about silence and say too much at once, which often leads me to saying stupid bullshit. I can't flirt for shit. No idea how to comfort people. I want to try, and I keep trying. It just feels so impossible sometimes. Especially on days like these. I made a couple social faux pas today and it's killing meeeeee ugh. I want to just hide in my room all day now. But I still have to at least talk to my roomie again for help with my shot today so... wish me luck ig haha

You got this!!!!