Misery99
Student
- May 12, 2020
- 169
I found this website back in 2020 while randomly scrolling about suicide on the internet. Back then I was mostly frustrated about how I isolated and miserable my life had been because of my narcissistic parents, specially my mom who didn't like me to grow up and experience the life like any normal young person would.
I had very bad social anxiety and agoraphobia specially when I was younger but I performed academically well but had to drop out from the university because of how the nature of universities in my country are very difficult for people with social anxiety and introverted tendencies in general. But as soon as I dropped out the university my parents needed me to find a job to financially support them. So they took me to a psychiatrist to cure my social anxiety and the psychiatrist gave me anti- anxiety and antidepressant medicine. They did help me to feel better, eat and sleep better but I don't think that they actually cured me so I stopped using them after a while.
Both of my parents are textbook narcissists. My dad was an angry alcoholic and he used to drink and fight with my mom a lot and sometimes he even hit or scold his own children too. While my mom wasn't aggressive, she was a manipulative kind of narcissist and she did what she wanted without caring how it would affect her little children. She continued having sexual relationships with few men throughout the years at our home while dad was away and I saw and heard all of that. I think I witnessed sex at a very young age in a way which no child should. I saw my mom having sex with my older brother's friend. I was about 9 years old when I first saw it and it horrified me and I was very unhappy about it but my mom didn't care about it making me uncomfortable and she continued having sex with him for several years because I didn't betray her by telling my dad or anybody else. After her sexual affair with the brother's friend ended, she then started to have sex with another man too at our house and she continued doing that for years as well...until I was in my mid 20s. My older sister knew all about it too but she was okay with it probably because my mom treated her much better than how she treated me. So they got along with each other well and had each others backs always. Mom didn't try to restrict the freedom of my sister's life how she did to me.
I didn't have a social life and never went outside and my mom actively discouraged me from going outside and specially she hated the idea of me getting a boyfriend. And when I started an online relationship with a guy whom I met online and told her that he wants to meet me, she acted all crazy and took me to that psychiatrist again whom I took the medicine for social anxiety earlier but this time, he prescribed me a medicine which I didn't even need. I got addicted to it because of how it made me sleep so well and continued to take it for years.
However that online relationship didn't work due to it being very long distance ( between two countries) So after that, I met another man online, who is about couple years younger than me but he genuinely seemed interested in me. He sent me long text messages everyday and called me and then he started to send me letters, greeting cards,gifts and money even without me asking for them. Then sometime later he came to visit me and I think that my parents liked him too because he sent the gifts and money for the family and allowed me to go with him. I lost my virginity to him. I didn't know about his past sexual history or anything but I didn't think that he was a very sexual person because he had never asked me for any inappropriate pictures or videos or anything but sometime after our relationship was established, I found out that he had been looking up escorts online from our shared Gmail search history. I told my mom about it and she said that it's not a too big concern since we are in a long distance relationship and men get sexual needs more often.
I wish my parents didn't make it solely my responsibility to take care of all of their financial needs with the money which my partner sent, specially someone like me who is in a very vulnerable position in life herself.
Since I had no family support too, and he was the only person whom treated me like I matter, I accepted his proposal when he asked to marry me. So we married and I found out later that sometimes he talks like he has trust issues about me and he slut shames women in general and say things like how women should not have sex unless they want to become mothers and some pretty sexist things like that. now I wonder if the reason he married me was because he wanted a submissive wife who is totally dependant on him for financial security. And also since recently he's been having a strange friendship with a guy whom he met while working and says that guy calls him all the time and he is obsessed with him and he doesn't like for him to talk with anybody else. I'm not sure if he was being serious or joking but his male friend has an older girlfriend who is also a single mom. Maybe he's bisexual or something but I worry if he feels like I'm a threat to his friendship with my partner if he's really into him more than a friend. Or else he's acting like that to financially exploit my partner. I noticed that he started spending money for unnecessary stuff like buying several guns because of the influence of that guy.
Anyway I don't know what to do. I want to escape from my narcissistic parents and the family but the future is very uncertain because of me not being financially independent. I don't want to live like a prisoner my whole life or in worse cases, getting physically abused. I think ctb is a better option than any of the above but I'm afraid of the pain and suffering and need a peaceful way to exit. I like to live but in a peaceful and non-busy lifestyle way. But with my current situation, it's far from the reach.
I had very bad social anxiety and agoraphobia specially when I was younger but I performed academically well but had to drop out from the university because of how the nature of universities in my country are very difficult for people with social anxiety and introverted tendencies in general. But as soon as I dropped out the university my parents needed me to find a job to financially support them. So they took me to a psychiatrist to cure my social anxiety and the psychiatrist gave me anti- anxiety and antidepressant medicine. They did help me to feel better, eat and sleep better but I don't think that they actually cured me so I stopped using them after a while.
Both of my parents are textbook narcissists. My dad was an angry alcoholic and he used to drink and fight with my mom a lot and sometimes he even hit or scold his own children too. While my mom wasn't aggressive, she was a manipulative kind of narcissist and she did what she wanted without caring how it would affect her little children. She continued having sexual relationships with few men throughout the years at our home while dad was away and I saw and heard all of that. I think I witnessed sex at a very young age in a way which no child should. I saw my mom having sex with my older brother's friend. I was about 9 years old when I first saw it and it horrified me and I was very unhappy about it but my mom didn't care about it making me uncomfortable and she continued having sex with him for several years because I didn't betray her by telling my dad or anybody else. After her sexual affair with the brother's friend ended, she then started to have sex with another man too at our house and she continued doing that for years as well...until I was in my mid 20s. My older sister knew all about it too but she was okay with it probably because my mom treated her much better than how she treated me. So they got along with each other well and had each others backs always. Mom didn't try to restrict the freedom of my sister's life how she did to me.
I didn't have a social life and never went outside and my mom actively discouraged me from going outside and specially she hated the idea of me getting a boyfriend. And when I started an online relationship with a guy whom I met online and told her that he wants to meet me, she acted all crazy and took me to that psychiatrist again whom I took the medicine for social anxiety earlier but this time, he prescribed me a medicine which I didn't even need. I got addicted to it because of how it made me sleep so well and continued to take it for years.
However that online relationship didn't work due to it being very long distance ( between two countries) So after that, I met another man online, who is about couple years younger than me but he genuinely seemed interested in me. He sent me long text messages everyday and called me and then he started to send me letters, greeting cards,gifts and money even without me asking for them. Then sometime later he came to visit me and I think that my parents liked him too because he sent the gifts and money for the family and allowed me to go with him. I lost my virginity to him. I didn't know about his past sexual history or anything but I didn't think that he was a very sexual person because he had never asked me for any inappropriate pictures or videos or anything but sometime after our relationship was established, I found out that he had been looking up escorts online from our shared Gmail search history. I told my mom about it and she said that it's not a too big concern since we are in a long distance relationship and men get sexual needs more often.
I wish my parents didn't make it solely my responsibility to take care of all of their financial needs with the money which my partner sent, specially someone like me who is in a very vulnerable position in life herself.
Since I had no family support too, and he was the only person whom treated me like I matter, I accepted his proposal when he asked to marry me. So we married and I found out later that sometimes he talks like he has trust issues about me and he slut shames women in general and say things like how women should not have sex unless they want to become mothers and some pretty sexist things like that. now I wonder if the reason he married me was because he wanted a submissive wife who is totally dependant on him for financial security. And also since recently he's been having a strange friendship with a guy whom he met while working and says that guy calls him all the time and he is obsessed with him and he doesn't like for him to talk with anybody else. I'm not sure if he was being serious or joking but his male friend has an older girlfriend who is also a single mom. Maybe he's bisexual or something but I worry if he feels like I'm a threat to his friendship with my partner if he's really into him more than a friend. Or else he's acting like that to financially exploit my partner. I noticed that he started spending money for unnecessary stuff like buying several guns because of the influence of that guy.
Anyway I don't know what to do. I want to escape from my narcissistic parents and the family but the future is very uncertain because of me not being financially independent. I don't want to live like a prisoner my whole life or in worse cases, getting physically abused. I think ctb is a better option than any of the above but I'm afraid of the pain and suffering and need a peaceful way to exit. I like to live but in a peaceful and non-busy lifestyle way. But with my current situation, it's far from the reach.
