Hi guys, I wrote a farewell post on November 26th, because I thought that it would be the end of my life. I filled my exit bag with nitrogen, put it over my head, closed it, then I laid down and passed out for an indeterminate length of time. While I was unconscious: I fell out of my bed, & I believe that this fall restored me to consciousness (at least I was able to confirm that 15 LPM is the perfect flow rate for a peaceful exit with nitrogen). I know I fell hard, because when I woke up: my bag was filled with blood. I was disoriented; I couldn't stand up & for a few minutes: I couldn't vocalize words properly. Once my capacity for speech returned to a sufficient degree: I knew I needed to go to the hospital (because of my bloody fall), so I called 911. At the hospital they stitched up my chin, then they sent me to a mental health unit where I spent the next 6 days. During my time on the unit: I was prescribed Lithium, which I am still taking. I don't expect much from this prescription, because I've been prescribed Sertraline, Seroquel, Lexapro, & Wellbutrin; all of these have failed to help me, but I think Lithium might be worth a shot.
My first failed suicide attempt was in May 2024. I took 100,000mg of Tylenol, because I thought that it would kill me in my sleep – it did not. It only gave me severe liver damage (which I have recovered from now) and caused me to vomit profusely. My 2nd attempt was last July. I went to a hotel, and set up my nitrogen exit system, but that failed because I used a respiratory mask, rather than an actual bag. My 3rd & most recent attempt is the one detailed in the 1st paragraph of this post.
Now, after failing so many times to commit suicide on my own: I have decided that I'm going to apply for a VAD (Voluntary Assisted Death) with the Pegasos Swiss Association. As of the time that I'm writing this post: I've completed ~ a third of the application. I should have the whole thing done in a day or two (it's a short application, but I've got to get back to work, and other things). The only hurdle is the cost of the VAD: it's 10,000 CHF, which is ~12,400 USD. It's going to take months for me to earn this money. I have a part time job, but I'm going to start applying for full-time jobs, in order to increase my income & thus decrease the number of months which I will need to spend working, in order to afford a VAD with Pegasos.
My first failed suicide attempt was in May 2024. I took 100,000mg of Tylenol, because I thought that it would kill me in my sleep – it did not. It only gave me severe liver damage (which I have recovered from now) and caused me to vomit profusely. My 2nd attempt was last July. I went to a hotel, and set up my nitrogen exit system, but that failed because I used a respiratory mask, rather than an actual bag. My 3rd & most recent attempt is the one detailed in the 1st paragraph of this post.
Now, after failing so many times to commit suicide on my own: I have decided that I'm going to apply for a VAD (Voluntary Assisted Death) with the Pegasos Swiss Association. As of the time that I'm writing this post: I've completed ~ a third of the application. I should have the whole thing done in a day or two (it's a short application, but I've got to get back to work, and other things). The only hurdle is the cost of the VAD: it's 10,000 CHF, which is ~12,400 USD. It's going to take months for me to earn this money. I have a part time job, but I'm going to start applying for full-time jobs, in order to increase my income & thus decrease the number of months which I will need to spend working, in order to afford a VAD with Pegasos.
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