Venting academic failure, college, sex

[SpencerSees]

Apologies for the late answers on my last post, I'm still pondering some of the very good advice you all gave.

For the past three days I had a horrid stomach bug, which got me vomiting out everything I ate, or worse. I believed it could be something actually serious but of course it was only minor. No sympathy points for me. Today I had my first ever test in college, and it went awful, despite all my efforts. I should have expected it. I'm like mediocre at most things I do. I guess you could say at least I'm good-looking, but anyone could be called if only lit by streetlights.

It feels disgusting to exist. I hate how much I crave someone would love me like parents love their children. I'm not a child anymore, i don't know why I want to be treated as such. I pray every time I meet with a guy that he'll kill me. Maybe then people would feel bad for me. Which is also really selfish. All I ever wanted was someone to step up and say that I deserve better, even when I clearly don't. I don't want it to be a friend, those people who care for you only lie. Sorry I have a raging headache I don't even know if it makes sense.

I went to the nearby river after my test and sat on the bank until it got dark. The water was so cold against my fingers I thought I'd piss myself. I think I'm buying a rope soon. This weekend, maybe. My parents say I'm being dramatic and irrational about a simple test, but they don't get it. This is just another sign out of thousands, that yup another thing I'm mediocre at. I used to hope college would be different. But it really is just the same and more. I've been at this life for what feels like forever and as long as my memories can go back, I wanted it to be over. I know I won't create anything remarkable or big that will make people remember me, no comic from a nonexistent older sibling about how I was such a happy child and then I killed myself. When I'm not completely hopeless, I hope that in another life (If there is one) I'll have all that. My head is about to explode, someone might have put smt in my drink or Im paranoid. okay till next time

Anyone else feeling like this? Let me know!

 

[BeyondSurvival]

Exactly, my friend I understand you very well. I had a terrible test at college today. It was an awful day. It's surprising how we experience and feel such similar things. I really can relate to almost everything you wrote.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Always a lot of pressure in those tests...

 

[SpencerSees]

Exactly, my friend I understand you very well. I had a terrible test at college today. It was an awful day. It's surprising how we experience and feel such similar things. I really can relate to almost everything you wrote.

Ah yay, I'm glad kinda. I'm sorry you all are going through this but misery loves company or whatever they say.

 

[Pale_Rider]

I was 32 when I went to community College. I remember taking remedial math even though I was accepted. Some of those kids were smart! Algebra was hard to pick up, and some of it learn on the spot. Was so much fun though. School is fun. You don't appreciate that, or at least I didn't till years had pasted , and I look back. I did appreciate it when I went I. My thirty.

 

[SpencerSees]

I was 32 when I went to community College. I remember taking remedial math even though I was accepted. Some of those kids were smart! Algebra was hard to pick up, and some of it learn on the spot. Was so much fun though. School is fun. You don't appreciate that, or at least I didn't till years had pasted , and I look back. I did appreciate it when I went I. My thirty.

That's true!! Learning is super fun when you actually study what you're into. College (and schools in general) make it very competitive, but if you can put that aside it's definitely amazeballs

 

[Pale_Rider]

That's true!! Learning is super fun when you actually study what you're into. College (and schools in general) make it very competitive, but if you can put that aside it's definitely amazeballs

I remember being hot for some of those perfessors. And because I was an old man [32 years old] in college some looked back! One even used to give me peeks!
Another one added me to her face book, and was basically hitting on me with memes. Lol horney professors who spent all their free time grading papers I guess. Some good, and some not so good memories there. Compared to other memories I have they are some of the best.

 

[BeyondSurvival]

Ah yay, I'm glad kinda. I'm sorry you all are going through this but misery loves company or whatever they say.

There are people in this world who have gone through almost the same things as I have, who feel the same, and who would understand me. But unfortunately, IRL, I'm surrounded by people who don't see or understand me, and I'm suffering all alone.
I wish you the best in your life my friend.

 

[SpencerSees]

There are people in this world who have gone through almost the same things as I have, who feel the same, and who would understand me. But unfortunately, IRL, I'm surrounded by people who don't see or understand me, and I'm suffering all alone.
I wish you the best in your life my friend.

Yeah exactly, there are thousands who get it. They just happen to never ever be in our lives
Wish you the best too

 

[lainsito]

Apologies for the late answers on my last post, I'm still pondering some of the very good advice you all gave.

For the past three days I had a horrid stomach bug, which got me vomiting out everything I ate, or worse. I believed it could be something actually serious but of course it was only minor. No sympathy points for me. Today I had my first ever test in college, and it went awful, despite all my efforts. I should have expected it. I'm like mediocre at most things I do. I guess you could say at least I'm good-looking, but anyone could be called if only lit by streetlights.

It feels disgusting to exist. I hate how much I crave someone would love me like parents love their children. I'm not a child anymore, i don't know why I want to be treated as such. I pray every time I meet with a guy that he'll kill me. Maybe then people would feel bad for me. Which is also really selfish. All I ever wanted was someone to step up and say that I deserve better, even when I clearly don't. I don't want it to be a friend, those people who care for you only lie. Sorry I have a raging headache I don't even know if it makes sense.

I went to the nearby river after my test and sat on the bank until it got dark. The water was so cold against my fingers I thought I'd piss myself. I think I'm buying a rope soon. This weekend, maybe. My parents say I'm being dramatic and irrational about a simple test, but they don't get it. This is just another sign out of thousands, that yup another thing I'm mediocre at. I used to hope college would be different. But it really is just the same and more. I've been at this life for what feels like forever and as long as my memories can go back, I wanted it to be over. I know I won't create anything remarkable or big that will make people remember me, no comic from a nonexistent older sibling about how I was such a happy child and then I killed myself. When I'm not completely hopeless, I hope that in another life (If there is one) I'll have all that. My head is about to explode, someone might have put smt in my drink or Im paranoid. okay till next time

Anyone else feeling like this? Let me know!

I totally get you. Since my mental health got worse, my grades had been lower. I recently failed my math exam, and my parents are very disappointed on me. Send you hugs.