NSFW A farewell from a former Psycopath

[Jjabrams5095]

Hello fine people of Sasu,

Nice to meet you.
This is my first post on here.
I haven't been too active on this site.
But I have been planning my death ever since I registered.

Im here just to confirm some details about my method and make sure everything checks out. My aim is for it to be as quick and painless as possible.

So first I guess I'll tell you about myself and why I want to do this.
I'm gonna be asking for help so its only fair right?
You can assess whether you want to help or not, which I belive most won't, even here.
And I think its your right not to help someone like me.

Most people on here theyre genuinely good, not the type of people I'd say deserve to die, though I could never conceive their pain so I could never force them to live.

I think we all deserve a peaceful way out no matter what to be honest.

Even people like police who are like modern day nazis, at the end of the day they were still a baby once and were trained to be that way. They would deserve peace.
Every single human being does, even Ted bundy or Dahmer. They didn't choose to be born that way either you know.

Anyways..

Well let's rewind back to 2017.
I would've been 11.
I think this was the year I started to go insane.
Something started happening to me.
But I was a kid and I didn't really have a moral framework.
My moral framework at that time was basically whatever was taught to me.
The things that weren't. I guess I didn't really get it.

I mean I should have, mabye I did get it to an extent logically. But I didn't really feel it.
So yeah I think I was born a psycopath.
I didn't really have much empathy.
I could just do things because I wanted to and it didn't bother me soul level.
I didn't really have the ability to put myself in others shoes.
But then I could show empathy other times like in school and with my sister sometimes if I took my cruelty too far.
So yeah here's some examples of what I'd did as that 11 year old child.

For one.
My sister yeah she was a bit annoying. But my response was to get back at her so I wpuld call her names and amke fun of her for fun. And only after she started crying I started to feel really bad and tried fo make it up to her.
But what kind of psycho makes their little sister cry.
And then theres the time I went to my aunts house for my cousin's birthday.
And I poisoned her aquarium I even told everyone I was gonna do it. I did it and then I literally forgot I did.
Until after I got Into trouble. Then I realized it sucked but only because I was caught.

And then theres the big thing..
You're all going to tell me to go to hell after this.
Believe me I want to go there more than anything.
That's why I'm here.
Trust me I'd rather be raped everyday since birth till the day I die than ever be this person.
I have fantasies of killing my younger self because of what he did.
Some literal fucking demon.
I didn't choose to be born like this.
Its a miracle I even somehow adapted and ended up developing empathy and a moral code.
I never had therapy and I never really thought of what I was doing as harmful at the time of the incident.
And I care about the person with every fibre of my being.

So here's goes..
I made a deal with my sister to let me touch her inappropriately in exchange for me playing a game with her.
Sick I know.
I told you true psycopath.
I hate it more than you can ever imagine.
I still wonder if it really happened or its fake it seems like a different person.
To me it feels like I swapped bodies with Ted buddies except I have all his memories with me and now I have to face life as .. him.

The me you're speaking to is not that boy anymore ok.
I want to finally find peace separate from the demon I was born as.
Hate me all you want.
But if you were born as me, unfortunately you'd do the same thing.

My past few years I have been making it up to my sister.
We have a good relationship she never ever talked about it neither do I.
I dont know what she remembers about it.
She would've been 8 when I was 12. Which is when it happened.
Now she's 15.

But yeah we have a good relationship today.
And I get her nice gifts ever since I started working.
I even got a hug from her on Christmas and she will bring me snacks sometimes.
She's such a pure and beautiful soul.
She's almost like my twin just without the demon and the psycopathy.
We listen to the same music we have the same habits.
I think we are some sort of cosmic twin.

Oh and yea my mom did catch me back when it happened back in 2018 but for some reason she blamed my sister, so I ended up rolling with it to save myself.
I did feel really bad though but I had to.
Even psycho me felt bad that's how awful it was.
And I didn't get caught so it wasn't feeling bad for myself for once.
But that memory sticks in my head forevermore.

Anyway that's not even the present day drama.
But this is more or less normal severe depression.
And we'll I'm extremely sensitive.
If you're mean to me I might just run into the highway or something.
Im the opposite of what I was 7 years ago.
Not sure what happened.
I just wanna go back to wherever i came from.
I want a refund.
Im leaving my sister all my savings.
Its a decent amount and we'll I'm gonna leave a really big teddy bear.
I know its weird, but I always liked teddy bears and I know she's similar to me so she'll like it too. Just something to remember me by.

And well my mom, I am mad about not believing my sister but..
I still love her more than anything in this world and her devotion to me, is something I'll always cherish.
I'll always remember her voice. And her hug.
I still have her old blackberry, she has recordings of when she sang to me as a baby, and they bring me to tears.
I like to listen to it.
Because I could never choose another mom in the world and I will look after her from wherever I end up even if its hell.

Well ..
If you think I'm a scumbag I assure you I agree so here's why I'm here.
I want to hang myself on Monday which is the 19th.
Its the only method I can really conceive that I could access and likely work I have a long strong rope, I just wanna know how to tie it properly.
I'm using a balcony. It has a pretty strong banister that can handle the weight.
I'm around 120ibs
5'5
I reckon theres 10 feet or more I can drop while still being suspended.
So yeah can anyone walk me through how to tie it or recommend another method.
Even if you think I'm awful you must agree with the right to die if you're even on here, and I assure I did not want to be born at all much less a psycopath.
So if you can find it in your hear to help me.
I'd really appreciate you and ill keep you in my heart.
Or not if you dont want me to.

I have to start writing my goodbye letters,
So I hope someone on here can help me.

Anyway if you actually even read all that I want to graciously thank you for your precious time.

I just had to get it all out before Ieave.
I'm not trying to minimize anything.
I'm just trying to give you the fill picture so forgive me if it seems a bit overbearing or like I'm unserious.

Thanks again for your time..
-Jjabrams5095.
The misfortunate Demonic Child who defected from its ways.

 

[darksouls]

good luck,
I hope everything goes well for you
and you find the peace you desire

 

[Seaghost]

Well I make it short because my mental power is not that good at the moment. So it has nothing to do with the things you wrote :).

Depends on where you living you should see a therapist. Hopefully the insurance will pay!
To skip the whole thing would mean you try jump directly to the last step which I don't recommend because you would give up your chances to get some help before you even tried it. But if you really want to do what you wanna do I won't stand in your way.

Many childs are doing some kind of "doctor games". YES siblings too!
That is what I read out of your description when you were talking about "touch her inappropriately". The question would be what the word "inappropriately" means exactly when it happend. If you want to talke about that.

Btw. I recommend to make an NSFW Sign to your Thread. Some useres can be triggerd easily even when a small amount of sexual stuff is written. Sometimes it don't take much if you have a trauma.

Edit: As far as I know Psychopaths can't be "healed". So when you now feeling more sensitiv like it's in your description you are not a Psychopath. Maybe there was/is some kind of developmental disorder or something similar.
OR
It's just nothing in that way because children can be sometimes little assholes too ;). Everyone here will have done something as a child that was really really shitty.

 

[leloyon]

"Psychopaths" (if psychopathy is even a thing that can be distinguished from AsPD) don't feel remorse like you seem to. What you've done is bad, sure, but decrying yourself as some psychopath who was born messed up doesn't really track.
Regardless, I hope you find peace. Godspeed.

 

[soul2realm]

Okay, first of all, you are not a psychopath or someone even close to that. You made a mistake when you were 12, of "an inappropriate touch" as described by you. And now you are sorry for it or have been for quite some time. Correct?
Do you know why is that happening? Because when you were doing it you were ignorant, a baby bird who just gave into its impulses. And now you are enlightened with the knowledge and light, so you can see it was not right. Your mother might have not reacted because try to see from her point of view. How would you've handled the situation if you were in her shoes? I am sure she must have taken it as a factor of adolescence. The fact she never brought it up shows her love and maturity for you.
Kids do all sorts of experimentations to understand the changes they are going through. Please for heaven's sake do not compare yourself with the real psychopaths you have named here. Go to any therapist and I bet they will acknowledge my readings.
The fact that you have taken up employment and are taking care of your sister's happiness, says a lot about you.
And now for a blunt response - You want to end it, it's all but your choice. Just remember you are enlightened now and any decision you take solely resides with you.
No size of teddy would be able to wipe the tears off of your sister's face when you are gone and that will most definitely ignite self-doubt in her, not to mention a streak of old memories.
You acted on the most primitive human impulse when you had hardly popped from the egg.
Again, I am not telling you to not to do anything you want to. That's why we all are on this site right. But if CTBing right now seems important to you than when some scumbag tries to take advantage of that pure soul and she'll be looking up and asking for you and you won't be there to protect her from real psychopaths, then by all means.
Please note: My comment may have sounded hypocritical and crude, but I don't want innocent kids to lose their angels.

 

[DeathSweetDeath]

I have to agree with the others, there are ways to move forward from this. I've known a psychopath or two in my life, and they were completely incapable of any self reflection or remorse. I wish you peace one way or another, but I hope you can give your childhood self some grace, forgive yourself for your past mistakes, and find a way to move on from them without having to CTB.

 

[rs929]

A true psychopath wouldn't give a shit about what happened with your sister.

Now I'm not saying you're a saint but you don't yet qualify as a demon based on what you've told us.

If you did this being 20 years old and your sister 8 then I'd be truly scandalized, but 12 years old children do that kind of stupid things. I think you should forgive yourself

 

[violetforever]

Even people like police who are like modern day nazis, at the end of the day they were still a baby once and were trained to be that way. They would deserve peace.
Every single human being does, even Ted bundy or Dahmer. They didn't choose to be born that way either you know.

no one chose to be born firstly and no one is born evil like you're basically saying here. these people you listed were adults who chose to be that way. they're responsible for their actions. i'm not sure why you're defending them? do you feel guilty and similar to them? although what you did was horribly wrong, you were a child. there's no comparison. no one here is agreeing that you are a psychopath based on things you did as a child because we all know children are growing and learning about the world. you're still responsible for your actions but you show remorse and development from what you did.

this is a delicate matter and i'm reluctant to say this but…if you really care about your sister and feel bad for what you did why are you ctb and leaving your mother to believe that it was your sister's fault? doesn't your sister deserve for you to say the truth and show your regret? you say neither of you have ever brought up what happened but that doesn't mean she forgot or won't possibly remember in the future. it's a heavy topic no one wants to talk about. 8 is an age most people have memories of. i remember questionable things from as early as 5-7 years old. i'm happy you guys get along now and i don't think you should ctb but what you did can cause serious trauma, to both of you, and it looks like it already has been for you. i'm not sure that you can make up for what you did with just money and gifts and letting time pass. sorry this situation is so grim and i'm trying to look at it from all angles.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Psychopaths mass murder innocents with no remorse. Most political leaders and billionaires are psychopaths.

If what you've posted is the whole story, especially as she doesn't seem to care, its a shit reason to ctb.

 

[bitterToad]

Don't self identify as a psychopath. Psychopathy and sociopathy are outdated diagnoses - and even so, they are not something you self-diagnose.

There are no souls, there is no god. You are your brain and body, that's it. You're a biological feedback system that develops into something based on input, nature and nurture. More nurture than people like to admit.

"My sister, yeah, she was a bit annoying. But my response was to get back at her, so I would call her names and make fun of her for fun. And only after she started crying I started to feel really bad and tried to make it up to her."
^^ Normal sibling behaviour. Small humans are egocentric trash, they need to be developed to be something else.

Incest - especially among siblings - is often a sign of unhealthy family dynamics and there's usually some trauma there. Incest in general is not as uncommon as society wants it to be.

Either you feel genuine deep remorse, in which case you've developed, and you're not a psycho-/sociopath.

Or you do this for attention, not a judgement on my part just an observation, in which case there are a ton is things it could be.

If you're being genuine, there's likely something there that's gone unaddressed for a long long time and manifested in a bunch of unhealthy ways - now culminating in a desire to exit.

A professional assessment would be best. Try to get two to three opinions, because psychologists are just stupid humans too and psychology is a pseudo-science. Never trust a single opinion and never share opinions between professionals, use them as the control test for each other. The shit that stays consistent from all of them is the shit that you need to address, the rest is opinions.

You seem functional otherwise.

Please, go see a psychologist, it is very likely they can help you work through this. It's extremely unlikely you are psycho-/sociopath.

Don't exit yet - it's premature, you have options. You're not a monster, you're very human. You need to work through what happened and why.

If you still want to go after, for other reasons, then that is your business and you can research how to do it yourself - it's available all over. But you kind of owe it to that little boy and girl to figure out what exactly happened and attempt healing first.

* You're sister should go see a professional too.

Psychopaths mass murder innocents with no remorse. Most political leaders and billionaires are psychopaths.

If what you've posted is the whole story, especially as she doesn't seem to care, its a shit reason to ctb.

Not all people with ASPD are criminals, or cruel. They're different - some of it is biological, some of it is trauma. The majority of the time it is severe early childhood trauma. Want less monsters? Stop making them.

 

[Nighthawk]

To be honest, you don't sound like a psychopath to me. You're showing signs of empathy, and that is definitely not a psychopathic trait.

The thing you mentioned about your sister being a bit annoying and you calling her names and making fun of her until she started crying, well I had similar experiences with my older siblings too. They would often tease me and make fun of me until I started crying and only then would they stop. That kind of behavior can happen for many reasons, one of them being that older siblings sometimes get jealous of their younger brothers or sisters because of the attention they receive from their parents. Older siblings were previously used to getting all of that attention before the younger ones were born.

As for the incident you mentioned with poisoning the aquarium, none of us really knows the full background story, but that's not the most important part anyway. You were a child. It's possible that on a subconscious level you were again feeling neglected or deprived of attention from the people close to you and that this was a way of trying to draw attention to yourself. It's even possible that you forgot why you did it because the act itself was so stressful for your nervous system that it had to repress the memory in some way.

Even the thing you mentioned about touching, the fact that you were both children at the time and that you felt bad about it then and still feel bad about it now, shows that you're not someone who takes pleasure in such things.

I still think you should reconsider everything and give yourself some time to process those painful emotions. If you can, try to find someone you can talk to about these things without fear of judgment, you don't even have to mention that you once planned to ctb.

 

[Jello Biafra]

Hello fine people of Sasu,

Nice to meet you.
This is my first post on here.
I haven't been too active on this site.
But I have been planning my death ever since I registered.

Im here just to confirm some details about my method and make sure everything checks out. My aim is for it to be as quick and painless as possible.

So first I guess I'll tell you about myself and why I want to do this.
I'm gonna be asking for help so its only fair right?
You can assess whether you want to help or not, which I belive most won't, even here.
And I think its your right not to help someone like me.

Most people on here theyre genuinely good, not the type of people I'd say deserve to die, though I could never conceive their pain so I could never force them to live.

I think we all deserve a peaceful way out no matter what to be honest.

Even people like police who are like modern day nazis, at the end of the day they were still a baby once and were trained to be that way. They would deserve peace.
Every single human being does, even Ted bundy or Dahmer. They didn't choose to be born that way either you know.

Anyways..

Well let's rewind back to 2017.
I would've been 11.
I think this was the year I started to go insane.
Something started happening to me.
But I was a kid and I didn't really have a moral framework.
My moral framework at that time was basically whatever was taught to me.
The things that weren't. I guess I didn't really get it.

I mean I should have, mabye I did get it to an extent logically. But I didn't really feel it.
So yeah I think I was born a psycopath.
I didn't really have much empathy.
I could just do things because I wanted to and it didn't bother me soul level.
I didn't really have the ability to put myself in others shoes.
But then I could show empathy other times like in school and with my sister sometimes if I took my cruelty too far.
So yeah here's some examples of what I'd did as that 11 year old child.

For one.
My sister yeah she was a bit annoying. But my response was to get back at her so I wpuld call her names and amke fun of her for fun. And only after she started crying I started to feel really bad and tried fo make it up to her.
But what kind of psycho makes their little sister cry.
And then theres the time I went to my aunts house for my cousin's birthday.
And I poisoned her aquarium I even told everyone I was gonna do it. I did it and then I literally forgot I did.
Until after I got Into trouble. Then I realized it sucked but only because I was caught.

And then theres the big thing..
You're all going to tell me to go to hell after this.
Believe me I want to go there more than anything.
That's why I'm here.
Trust me I'd rather be raped everyday since birth till the day I die than ever be this person.
I have fantasies of killing my younger self because of what he did.
Some literal fucking demon.
I didn't choose to be born like this.
Its a miracle I even somehow adapted and ended up developing empathy and a moral code.
I never had therapy and I never really thought of what I was doing as harmful at the time of the incident.
And I care about the person with every fibre of my being.

So here's goes..
I made a deal with my sister to let me touch her inappropriately in exchange for me playing a game with her.
Sick I know.
I told you true psycopath.
I hate it more than you can ever imagine.
I still wonder if it really happened or its fake it seems like a different person.
To me it feels like I swapped bodies with Ted buddies except I have all his memories with me and now I have to face life as .. him.

The me you're speaking to is not that boy anymore ok.
I want to finally find peace separate from the demon I was born as.
Hate me all you want.
But if you were born as me, unfortunately you'd do the same thing.

My past few years I have been making it up to my sister.
We have a good relationship she never ever talked about it neither do I.
I dont know what she remembers about it.
She would've been 8 when I was 12. Which is when it happened.
Now she's 15.

But yeah we have a good relationship today.
And I get her nice gifts ever since I started working.
I even got a hug from her on Christmas and she will bring me snacks sometimes.
She's such a pure and beautiful soul.
She's almost like my twin just without the demon and the psycopathy.
We listen to the same music we have the same habits.
I think we are some sort of cosmic twin.

Oh and yea my mom did catch me back when it happened back in 2018 but for some reason she blamed my sister, so I ended up rolling with it to save myself.
I did feel really bad though but I had to.
Even psycho me felt bad that's how awful it was.
And I didn't get caught so it wasn't feeling bad for myself for once.
But that memory sticks in my head forevermore.

Anyway that's not even the present day drama.
But this is more or less normal severe depression.
And we'll I'm extremely sensitive.
If you're mean to me I might just run into the highway or something.
Im the opposite of what I was 7 years ago.
Not sure what happened.
I just wanna go back to wherever i came from.
I want a refund.
Im leaving my sister all my savings.
Its a decent amount and we'll I'm gonna leave a really big teddy bear.
I know its weird, but I always liked teddy bears and I know she's similar to me so she'll like it too. Just something to remember me by.

And well my mom, I am mad about not believing my sister but..
I still love her more than anything in this world and her devotion to me, is something I'll always cherish.
I'll always remember her voice. And her hug.
I still have her old blackberry, she has recordings of when she sang to me as a baby, and they bring me to tears.
I like to listen to it.
Because I could never choose another mom in the world and I will look after her from wherever I end up even if its hell.

Well ..
If you think I'm a scumbag I assure you I agree so here's why I'm here.
I want to hang myself on Monday which is the 19th.
Its the only method I can really conceive that I could access and likely work I have a long strong rope, I just wanna know how to tie it properly.
I'm using a balcony. It has a pretty strong banister that can handle the weight.
I'm around 120ibs
5'5
I reckon theres 10 feet or more I can drop while still being suspended.
So yeah can anyone walk me through how to tie it or recommend another method.
Even if you think I'm awful you must agree with the right to die if you're even on here, and I assure I did not want to be born at all much less a psycopath.
So if you can find it in your hear to help me.
I'd really appreciate you and ill keep you in my heart.
Or not if you dont want me to.

I have to start writing my goodbye letters,
So I hope someone on here can help me.

Anyway if you actually even read all that I want to graciously thank you for your precious time.

I just had to get it all out before Ieave.
I'm not trying to minimize anything.
I'm just trying to give you the fill picture so forgive me if it seems a bit overbearing or like I'm unserious.

Thanks again for your time..
-Jjabrams5095.
The misfortunate Demonic Child who defected from its ways.

If you are still around, I will reiterate what almost everyone else is saying.

Life isn't defined by the mistakes you've made - it's defined by what you learn from those mistakes.

 

[InevitableDeath]

InevitableDeath said:
Psychopaths mass murder innocents with no remorse. Most political leaders and billionaires are psychopaths.
If what you've posted is the whole story, especially as she doesn't seem to care, its a shit reason to ctb.

bitterToad said:
Not all people with ASPD are criminals, or cruel. They're different - some of it is biological, some of it is trauma. The majority of the time it is severe early childhood trauma. Want less monsters? Stop making them.

I don't understand why you included my comment in your post above? Was it as a note to illustrate the OP isn't a psychopath? Or are you saying ASPD are psychopaths?

 

[Dot]

Oh and yea my mom did catch me back when it happened back in 2018 but for some reason she blamed my sister, so I ended up rolling with it to save myself.
I did feel really bad though but I had to.
Even psycho me felt bad that's how awful it was.
And I didn't get caught so it wasn't feeling bad for myself for once.
But that memory sticks in my head forevermore.

Honstly ths = prt whch stcks out @ slf mre thn n.e.thng

U hve 0 idea whthr or nt wht u dd hs affectd hr bcse 1) sh/ ws coercd & viol8td & 2) hr mothr dd nt belive hr whch wld hve bn v isol8tng fr hr & addd t/ n.e ptentl trma frm th/ evnt

Issus frm chld-hd SA cn oftn festr in th/ psyche & nt cme out untl l8tr whch = xactly wht slf xperncd

Am nt goin2 partcp8 in jdgemnt fr wht u dd or wht u dserve or n.e.thng lke tht hwevr in slf persnl opinn if u lve ur sistr as mch as u r claimng thn u wld tke rsponsblty fr wht happnd in a wy whch wld hlp hr healng - punshng urslf ds nt d/ tht & thre = chnce l8tr in hr lfe tht sh/ cld hve reprssd memris cme up & lts of unanswrd questns

Slf reprssd memris wre triggrd & slf spnt smethng lke 5 yrs aftrwrds tryn2 mke snse of memry & wondrng whthr hd mde th/ whle thng up bcse @ th/ tme of th/ asslt slf ws mde 2 apolgse fr 'lyng' & = ws as tho slf ws 'nt allowd' t/ hve tht memry n.e.mre

Slf only hd confrmatn tht slf mnd ws nt 'lyng' abt tht memry or makng thngs up bcse t/ perptr8tr ws in th/ nws fr b-ing a nonce & abusng othr grls & ownng CSAM

S/ imo b on abt th/ trth & tke accountblty & allw thm t/ 4gve u if tht = wht thy wnt

 

[preachyflockk]

Honstly ths = prt whch stcks out @ slf mre thn n.e.thng

U hve 0 idea whthr or nt wht u dd hs affectd hr bcse 1) sh/ ws coercd & viol8td & 2) hr mothr dd nt belive hr whch wld hve bn v isol8tng fr hr & addd t/ n.e ptentl trma frm th/ evnt

Issus frm chld-hd SA cn oftn festr in th/ psyche & nt cme out untl l8tr whch = xactly wht slf xperncd

Am nt goin2 partcp8 in jdgemnt fr wht u dd or wht u dserve or n.e.thng lke tht hwevr in slf persnl opinn if u lve ur sistr as mch as u r claimng thn u wld tke rsponsblty fr wht happnd in a wy whch wld hlp hr healng - punshng urslf ds nt d/ tht & thre = chnce l8tr in hr lfe tht sh/ cld hve reprssd memris cme up & lts of unanswrd questns

Slf reprssd memris wre triggrd & slf spnt smethng lke 5 yrs aftrwrds tryn2 mke snse of memry & wondrng whthr hd mde th/ whle thng up bcse @ th/ tme of th/ asslt slf ws mde 2 apolgse fr 'lyng' & = ws as tho slf ws 'nt allowd' t/ hve tht memry n.e.mre

Slf only hd confrmatn tht slf mnd ws nt 'lyng' abt tht memry or makng thngs up bcse t/ perptr8tr ws in th/ nws fr b-ing a nonce & abusng othr grls & ownng CSAM

S/ imo b on abt th/ trth & tke accountblty & allw thm t/ 4gve u if tht = wht thy wnt

Translation as follows:
Honestly, this is the part which sticks out to me more than anything else

You have no idea whether or not what you did has affected her because :
1) She was coerced and violated and
2) Her mother did not believe her which would have been very isolating for her and add to any potential trauma from the event

Issues from childhood SA often fester in the psyche and don't come out until later which is exactly what I experienced

I'm not going to participate in judging you for what you did or what you deserve or anything like that. However, my personal opinion is that if you love your sister as much as you claim to, you'd take responsibility for what happened in a way which would help her healing - punishing yourself does not do that and there's a chance later in life that she could have repressed memories come up and lots of unanswered questions.

My repressed memories were triggered and I spent something like 5 years trying to make sense of my memories and whether I'd made this whole thing up because at the time of the assault I was made to apologise for "lying" and it was as though I wasn't allowed to have that memory anymore.

I only had confirmation that my mind wasn't "lying" about that memory or making things up because the perpetrator was in the news for being a nonce, abusing other girls and owning CSAM.

So imo, be honest about the truth, take accountability and allow them to forgive you if that's what they want

 

[bitterToad]

I don't understand why you included my comment in your post above? Was it as a note to illustrate the OP isn't a psychopath? Or are you saying ASPD are psychopaths?

Yes, psycho- and sociopathy has been reclassified as Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD). Just information.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Hey. So I'm gunna give my two cents here as someone with a disorder that is considered "evil" by others (Narcissistic Personality Disorder).

First of all, from the research I have done, you would absolutely not be feeling this much remorse this extremely if you were a psychopath. The true hatred you are feelings for your actions here is much too severe for a psychopath.

The actions of Dahmer and Bundy were actions of white privileged men. Whether they had psychopathy means nothing. They chose to do this as an act of control, and even those with remorse can do that. Thise types just bury the remorse deeper and deeper and hope it doesn't resurface. I emplore you to look more into the actual things they did before empathizing with them. Not just the ones true crime likes to talk about

But I was a kid and I didn't really have a moral framework.
My moral framework at that time was basically whatever was taught to me.
The things that weren't. I guess I didn't really get it.

I mean I should have, mabye I did get it to an extent logically. But I didn't really feel it.
So yeah I think I was born a psycopath.
I didn't really have much empathy.
I could just do things because I wanted to and it didn't bother me soul level.
I didn't really have the ability to put myself in others shoes.
But then I could show empathy other times like in school and with my sister sometimes if I took my cruelty too far.

Despite what people believe, humans are not born with a set moral framework. If you were taught bad morals and you beleived it, that is just a normal childhood reaction.

There are many things that can affect empathy other than psychopathy. Autism, CPTSD, BPD, NPD, ASPD, even certain psychotic disorders. Empathy is not innate to humans by default.

What you are describing is a child that was led astray, not a psychopath. You would not feel those sudden bursts of remorse, you would not be feeling it now.

For one.
My sister yeah she was a bit annoying. But my response was to get back at her so I wpuld call her names and amke fun of her for fun. And only after she started crying I started to feel really bad and tried fo make it up to her.
But what kind of psycho makes their little sister cry.
And then theres the time I went to my aunts house for my cousin's birthday.
And I poisoned her aquarium I even told everyone I was gonna do it. I did it and then I literally forgot I did.
Until after I got Into trouble. Then I realized it sucked but only because I was caught.

Once again, too much remorse for a psychopath. This is the response of a dysregulated child struggling with understanding morals, not someone born without them.

Its a miracle I even somehow adapted and ended up developing empathy and a moral code.

...again, not possible. Psychopaths are more than what you see in movies. They have a specific neurodivergence that cannot be "fixed" like this. A psychopath would have to "manually" think about moral code to adhere to it. They cannot develop it.

But if you were born as me, unfortunately you'd do the same thing.

No, we would not. I have had similar struggles to multiple things you experienced as an autistic person developing NPD, but I did not do this. And many others here wouldn't have either.

You need to accept that the only person at blame for your actions is you. That doesn't make you a monster. Or evil. You were a kid. But you aren't anymore, and you have to take accountability now. Not run away and desperately blame it on the way you were born. None of what you described is nature, merely nurture.

Oh and yea my mom did catch me back when it happened back in 2018 but for some reason she blamed my sister, so I ended up rolling with it to save myself.
I did feel really bad though but I had to.
Even psycho me felt bad that's how awful it was.

There is no "psycho you." You did not "have to." You did it because you were a scared child. But again, you are an adult now. Which means that you consistently excusing your actions right now is more morally corrupt than your actions back then.

You claim to have learned, but are lying. You claim to feel bad, but keep defending yourself.


This is my advice:
If you are really set on killing yourself, then at least apologize to your sister beforehand. I have forgiven a kid much like you for hurting me that way. He is not evil, and neither are you.

You have forced yourself into a nihilistic corner, but frankly I think you might have an easier way out than you'd think.

Your obsession with your "evilness" defining your actions isn't psychopathy. It's grandiosity. As someone with both (and with multiple family members with them), this entire post reeks of either NPD or BPD, and if you actually do care about your sister, I suggest you actually seek the therapy that you deserve so both you and your victim can get closure.

If you need tips finding mental support, therapists, or workbooks, my conversation box is open.

Yes, psycho- and sociopathy has been reclassified as Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD). Just information.

*incorrectly reclassified.

Unfortunately mental health advocates haven't gotten any leeway on the DSM changing it.

 

[Jjabrams5095]

Honstly ths = prt whch stcks out @ slf mre thn n.e.thng

U hve 0 idea whthr or nt wht u dd hs affectd hr bcse 1) sh/ ws coercd & viol8td & 2) hr mothr dd nt belive hr whch wld hve bn v isol8tng fr hr & addd t/ n.e ptentl trma frm th/ evnt

Issus frm chld-hd SA cn oftn festr in th/ psyche & nt cme out untl l8tr whch = xactly wht slf xperncd

Am nt goin2 partcp8 in jdgemnt fr wht u dd or wht u dserve or n.e.thng lke tht hwevr in slf persnl opinn if u lve ur sistr as mch as u r claimng thn u wld tke rsponsblty fr wht happnd in a wy whch wld hlp hr healng - punshng urslf ds nt d/ tht & thre = chnce l8tr in hr lfe tht sh/ cld hve reprssd memris cme up & lts of unanswrd questns

Slf reprssd memris wre triggrd & slf spnt smethng lke 5 yrs aftrwrds tryn2 mke snse of memry & wondrng whthr hd mde th/ whle thng up bcse @ th/ tme of th/ asslt slf ws mde 2 apolgse fr 'lyng' & = ws as tho slf ws 'nt allowd' t/ hve tht memry n.e.mre

Slf only hd confrmatn tht slf mnd ws nt 'lyng' abt tht memry or makng thngs up bcse t/ perptr8tr ws in th/ nws fr b-ing a nonce & abusng othr grls & ownng CSAM

S/ imo b on abt th/ trth & tke accountblty & allw thm t/ 4gve u if tht = wht thy wnt

Thanks all for your guys perspectives

That's really what I came here for.

So thank you guys for taking time out of your day to reply.

I did not expect so many people to respond.

Thie quoted response is actually closest to why I chose to ctb.

I have no idea what she remembers of it or if will come back or what.
Whatever the case you're right.
I was born a psycopathic creature that did those words "SA".

As I said.
Picture swapping bodies with a psycopath and now you have all their memories.
Except it was you all along.

I do not accept that.
I didn't get the chance to choose to be evil.
I just was.

I know some of you want clarification as to what happened.
No it was not sex it was exactly what I said it was, it was touching inappropriately.
Not that it isn't SA.
And yea I can't believe my mother took my side.
I have no idea why asdumed it was her.

As I said call me anything in the book, its nothing I haven't called myself.

If you were born as me you'd want to ctb too.

Atleast her latest memories of me are going to proof to her I loved her.
And I'm going to tell her how i feel in my goodbye letter.

I just hope I can face my fears and actually jump when time comes Monday.
I'll blindfold myself so I dont have to see how high it is.
Oh god please give me the courage.

 

[InevitableDeath]

Yes, psycho- and sociopathy has been reclassified as Anti-Social Personality Disorder (ASPD). Just information.

According to this they haven't. Very different.

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

Many childs are doing some kind of "doctor games". YES siblings too!

There is a difference between exploring and encouraging a much younger kid to touch them. That is COCSA. We so not need to normalize CSA to show this person empathy.

Picture swapping bodies with a psycopath and now you have all their memories.

You do not know what a psychopath is.

As I said call me anything in the book, its nothing I haven't called myself.

If you were born as me you'd want to ctb too

No one is going to call you those things. Stop using this forum as self harm via a grandiose humilation ritual.

I've done that shit enough times as a teen to recognize it. Again, many people have offered advice and resources to you. Stop asking to be hated.

 

[Dot]

And I'm going to tell her how i feel in my goodbye letter.

Or u cn tll hr hw u fl nw & u cn bth wrk thru ur relatnshp insted of hr 1) losng hr brothr t/ suicde & 2) feelng tht = ws bcse of hr in sme wy & havng 0 contrl ovr th/ stuatn fr th/ rst of hr lfe

Xplainng hw sh/ cld hve bn affectd ws nt dne in ordr fr shamng u - = ws dne bcse = smethng tht cn b workd thru wth awreness & accountblty

As othr ppl sd - psychpths wld b indiffrnt abt thr b-havrs & th/ effcts of thm -- tht = nt U

 

[yourmmomisabbitch]

Thanks all for your guys perspectives

That's really what I came here for.

So thank you guys for taking time out of your day to reply.

I did not expect so many people to respond.

Thie quoted response is actually closest to why I chose to ctb.

I have no idea what she remembers of it or if will come back or what.
Whatever the case you're right.
I was born a psycopathic creature that did those words "SA".

As I said.
Picture swapping bodies with a psycopath and now you have all their memories.
Except it was you all along.

I do not accept that.
I didn't get the chance to choose to be evil.
I just was.

I know some of you want clarification as to what happened.
No it was not sex it was exactly what I said it was, it was touching inappropriately.
Not that it isn't SA.
And yea I can't believe my mother took my side.
I have no idea why asdumed it was her.

As I said call me anything in the book, its nothing I haven't called myself.

If you were born as me you'd want to ctb too.

Atleast her latest memories of me are going to proof to her I loved her.
And I'm going to tell her how i feel in my goodbye letter.

I just hope I can face my fears and actually jump when time comes Monday.
I'll blindfold myself so I dont have to see how high it is.
Oh god please give me the courage.

youre not a psychopath buddy ive had the same thought but it aint that deep
you are probably autistic with cluster b traits and should consider getting your shit together
i agree with the other person that this whole thread is an attention-magnet of a larp, if u actually care then stop moping and act better. you dont have to be the virgin mary cuz thats lame but 1. stop putting urself above everyone else by putting yourself down (its the lamest way you can get attention)

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

youre not a psychopath buddy ive had the same thought but it aint that deep
you are probably autistic with cluster b traits and should consider getting your shit together
i agree with the other person that this whole thread is an attention-magnet of a larp, if u actually care then stop moping and act better. you dont have to be the virgin mary cuz thats lame but 1. stop putting urself above everyone else by putting yourself down (its the lamest way you can get attention)

It's literally a form of self harm too, so this whole thread is making us unwilling participants. For all we know, they could be trying to feel bad enough that they can actually kill themself, therefore getting around the "no encouraging CTB" rule.

 

[Jjabrams5095]

There is a difference between exploring and encouraging a much younger kid to touch them. That is COCSA. We so not need to normalize CSA to show this person empathy.

You do not know what a psychopath is.


No one is going to call you those things. Stop using this forum as self harm via a grandiose humilation ritual.

I've done that shit enough times as a teen to recognize it. Again, many people have offered advice and resources to you. Stop asking to be hated.

Sorry for getting you mad.

I dont know if this is attention seeking.
I have never made a post anywhere ever before so I have no idea what that would be like.
But if this is that then I appreciate you letting me know.
I will not do this again.
Thanks all for the responses.

I just dont really know how to live with knowing you hurt someone you love.

But I have spoken to a psychiatrist.
I'm going on Saturday.
I am grateful for your perspectives and will try to move forward like everyone suggests.

The only reason it was so urgent was because I have been planning to do it on Monday for a long time and I was dead set on it.

I assumed people would come on here and berate me.
I was wrong.

It would've been my golden birthday and my first day no longer a teenager, so I thought it would've been a picturesque tombstone.
But you guys are right.
Its unfair to my family, I just didn't think they'd want me but if strangers do.
Well ill talk to the psychiatrist about making it right with them ok.

Thanks again ok.
I wasn't consciously attention seeking but if that's what I am doing I am always open to being called out.

It's literally a form of self harm too, so this whole thread is making us unwilling participants. For all we know, they could be trying to feel bad enough thatrofessio they can actually kill themself, therefore getting around the "no encouraging CTB" rule.

To be honest,
I did come here for real opinions
But I was hoping you all would prove me right so I could ctb.
But I didn't think of it like that.
I'm sorry.
But as I said I am grateful for the kindness shown to me.
And I said I'd go to a professional to talk first before making any decisions
In light of the perspectives shared today.
No one here was involved in me self harming today I assure you of this.
I would never make someone an unwilling participant.
But see your Pov.
My head just isn't right any more.
All of what I discussed aren't my current day mental health issues. Just the source.
Again I apologize.
You say you once did it too, so I hope you can forgive me

 

[NormallyNeurotic]

You say you once did it too, so I hope you can forgive me

I haven't done COCSA from what I remember, but I've done similar stuff to the other things you mentioned, like being mean and regretting it, doing fucked up shit and forgetting, etc.

Either way, kids don't just victimize other kids for no reason, and if your mom was a bad enough parent to blame her pre-pubertal daughter for being sexual with someone who is in puberty, then she probably isn't a good mom to begin with. Good luck with the psych. Make sure any professionals you talk to are trauma-informed.

You'll have more luck actually getting somewhere if you abandon the excessive pathologizing and demonizing you're doing to yourself. You're in the present, that's in the past.

But it isn't so far in the past that you can't take accountability in the future. Take those steps and center your victim in your decisions. Evilness is not innate. Show who you are now with your actions.

To note: Even if someone on this site did agree that you are evil, you really shouldn't trust them/CTB. I say this as someone who loves this site, but there is an interesting lack of nuance on here sometimes.

 

[Jjabrams5095]

I haven't done COCSA from what I remember, but I've done similar stuff to the other things you mentioned, like being mean and regretting it, doing fucked up shit and forgetting, etc.

Either way, kids don't just victimize other kids for no reason, and if your mom was a bad enough parent to blame her pre-pubertal daughter for being sexual with someone who is in puberty, then she probably isn't a good mom to begin with. Good luck with the psych. Make sure any professionals you talk to are trauma-informed.

You'll have more luck actually getting somewhere if you abandon the excessive pathologizing and demonizing you're doing to yourself. You're in the present, that's in the past.

But it isn't so far in the past that you can't take accountability in the future. Take those steps and center your victim in your decisions. Evilness is not innate. Show who you are now with your actions.

To note: Even if someone on this site did agree that you are evil, you really shouldn't trust them/CTB. I say this as someone who loves this site, but there is an interesting lack of nuance on here sometimes.

Thank you.
I appreciate your advice.
But my mom isn't a bad mom at all.
She loves us both.
I dont comprehend why she did what she did that day. But its done and it doesn't define her she was the best mom we could ever ask for even if she isn't perfect.
But I do agree I wish she could've seen the obvious.
But my dad was there too and just went along with it.
I really dont understand it but whatever.
I forgive them for loving me too much to think I could do wrong.
They're still extremely supportive and loving parents.
I still wish they saw it properly, back then when I wasn't suicidal and didn't even get why they were concerned about what happened.
Mabye things would've never got to this point.
As I said something happened fo me at the beginning of puberty and I wasn't mature enough to know what the he'll to do with it.
And I think porn played a factor in it too.
I think I had just started watching it.
The step sister thing was all the craze and in some of them they didnt even use the step word.
And the exact dynamic that was occurring it made me think it was like a normal thing.
They really need to keep porn out of kids minds. Especially boys.

 

[Light_]

If you knew it was wrong at the time that you did it, then yes it was not something innocent or something that all children do. While it's true that some children mutually have curiosity about their development, to set someone up deliberately to take advantage of them and manipulate them, that's a whole different category.

Empathy is not something that personality disordered cluster b personality people can actually embody, although they can learn what it looks like and sometimes act it out believably. But it's performative.

My brother did the same things to me when I was six or seven and he was also 12, that you described here that you did to your sister. He knew what he did was wrong, he is also a true psychopath who has damaged a lot of other people. I'm not saying you're my brother, I'm saying that he did things to me deliberately which were disgusting, wrong, and he knew it, and it f***** me up. Shane, self-disgust etc. He's never taken responsibility for it, never admitted to it, and I've never spoken to him about it. That's not my role as the victim. In the past, I treated him with kindness and tried to help him and felt bad for him in many ways in spite of his disgusting abuse, but now, I don't speak to him at all because I grew up and know exactly what he is, how what he did back then was despicable and wrong, and I want nothing to do with him.

If you can take direct accountability and admit what you did, I'm not sure that would affect your sister or not, but it would be the right thing to do imo, although it can never undo the wrong that it was, depending on where you were coming from when you did it, ie deliberate manipulation because you knew it was wrong and did it anyway.

Whether or not you should kill yourself over this, or anything else you've done, that's the choice only you can make, but there are plenty of people out there who are horrible for what they have done to others, rapists, murderers, child and other species abusers, and they're still alive. Many of them never give it a second thought fwiw.

 

[Jjabrams5095]

If you knew it was wrong at the time that you did it, then yes it was not something innocent or something that all children do. While it's true that some children mutually have curiosity about their development, to set someone up deliberately to take advantage of them and manipulate them, that's a whole different category.

Empathy is not something that personality disordered cluster b personality people can actually embody, although they can learn what it looks like and sometimes act it out believably. But it's performative.

My brother did the same things to me when I was six or seven and he was also 12, that you described here that you did to your sister. He knew what he did was wrong, he is also a true psychopath who has damaged a lot of other people. I'm not saying you're my brother, I'm saying that he did things to me deliberately which were disgusting, wrong, and he knew it, and it f***** me up. Shane, self-disgust etc. He's never taken responsibility for it, never admitted to it, and I've never spoken to him about it. That's not my role as the victim. In the past, I treated him with kindness and tried to help him and felt bad for him in many ways in spite of his disgusting abuse, but now, I don't speak to him at all because I grew up and know exactly what he is, how what he did back then was despicable and wrong, and I want nothing to do with him.

If you can take direct accountability and admit what you did, I'm not sure that would affect your sister or not, but it would be the right thing to do imo, although it can never undo the wrong that it was, depending on where you were coming from when you did it, ie deliberate manipulation because you knew it was wrong and did it anyway.

Whether or not you should kill yourself over this, or anything else you've done, that's the choice only you can make, but there are plenty of people out there who are horrible for what they have done to others, rapists, murderers, child and other species abusers, and they're still alive. Many of them never give it a second thought fwiw.

I dont know if I want go bring it up you know.
My way of saying sorry has been to her has been to try to be the brother I wish I had been for the longest time.
We play games together sometimes.
I buy her gifts, she gets me snacks.
I like it the way it is.
Without this there.
I just dont want to ruin our relationship.
I would I really would, but I dont know if its the best thing for us right now.
I hate what I did so much so much.
Everyday.
You guys have made an argument that I may not be a psycopath.
Fine mabye that's true, but something was definitely wrong with me during the early years of puberty. Something I could not control properly or understand.
No excuses here, I just want to understand it.
Trust me I hate being me more than you know.
As I said I'd choose to be abused every day of my life from birth till death if I could take it back.

 

[Light_]

I dont know if I want go bring it up you know.
My way of saying sorry has been to her has been to try to be the brother I wish I had been for the longest time.
We play games together sometimes.
I buy her gifts, she gets me snacks.
I like it the way it is.
Without this there.
I just dont want to ruin our relationship.
I would I really would, but I dont know if its the best thing for us right now.
I hate what I did so much so much.
Everyday.
You guys have made an argument that I may not be a psycopath.
Fine mabye that's true, but something was definitely wrong with me during the early years of puberty. Something I could not control properly or understand.
No excuses here, I just want to understand it.
Trust me I hate being me more than you know.
As I said I'd choose to be abused every day of my life from birth till death if I could take it back.

Honestly, you not wanting to bring it up is more about your own discomfort then what's best for your sister, and what's the right thing to do, ie take direct responsibility. Relationships are ruined by pretending problems don't exist, by lying to each other and not being accountable to ourselves or the people that we've hurt by our actions. That's far more toxic and relationship perverting than the truth could ever be. Ask anyone who has been the victim of abuse and lived in a culture, or household, or family dynamics of secrecy, denial, shame, or lies surrounding their abuse.

If you knew it was wrong and you manipulated her into getting what you wanted out of it, that it was a deliberate choice and not something protected by the innocence of childhood.

 

[Dot]

I dont know if I want go bring it up you know.
My way of saying sorry has been to her has been to try to be the brother I wish I had been for the longest time.
We play games together sometimes.
I buy her gifts, she gets me snacks.
I like it the way it is.
Without this there.
I just dont want to ruin our relationship.
I would I really would, but I dont know if its the best thing for us right now.
I hate what I did so much so much.
Everyday.
You guys have made an argument that I may not be a psycopath.
Fine mabye that's true, but something was definitely wrong with me during the early years of puberty. Something I could not control properly or understand.
No excuses here, I just want to understand it.
Trust me I hate being me more than you know.
As I said I'd choose to be abused every day of my life from birth till death if I could take it back.

Al altrn8tve wld b t/ 1 dy sy t/ hr or wrte a nte sayng hw mch u lve hr & tht if thre = n.ethng tht u evr d/ or hve evr dne t/ hrt hr thn u wnt hr t/ knw tht sh/ cn tlk 2 u bcse u cre abt hr feelngs & wll-bein

Tht wy if sh/ = carryng n.ethng thn sh/ knws tht u r openng up dialgue bt if sh/ = nt awre of n.ethng tht sh/ = carryng thn = wld nt dsturb hr as mch

& jst fr hr t/ knw in th/ presnt tht u r sme1 tht sh/ cn trst