EgoBrained
One day your suffering will end
- Sep 25, 2024
- 60
I have always lived a life of seclusion, shying away from other people, struggling to make sense of anything that was tied to being alive - everyone else was shouldering far greater woes, nonchalantly pushing on through life, making it look like such burdens were nothing more than feeble trifles; while for me, even the slightest hiccup I encountered brought me right down, feeling like I was facing a pit of anguish. How did they endure it? How did they make it through each day without despairing, without giving up, even as they face such hard conditions? The more I think about it, the less I understand and the more I find myself weighed down by the disheartening idea that I alone am different.
I struggled with the notions of what meant to be human, I can barely talk to people with no idea on what to say to them or how to say it. I seldom find myself able to carry out a normal conversation. I had no confidence whatsoever in my ability to speak or behave like a human being. Relationships, rules of engagement, social norms - all concepts I found confusing and awkward.
Many people can only hope to have the opportunities I've been given - A stable life, parents that offered their support in doing anything I wanted, all the time given to me such that I would be able to work on myself, and what was it that I accomplished with this life?
Nothing.
I squandered everything that was given to me, living in a constant state of carelessness, always choosing the easy way out of every conflict I've faced - such it is that it has led me to a life of misery. What is it that I wanted to do in life? I still have no idea. A question that haunts me to this day, always met with uncertainty. But the more I asked it, the clearer the answer became - I have to die. I want to die. There is no going back. There is nothing I can do. Nothing can help. I can only add more layers of suffering.
It's with these thoughts plaguing me that I have completely ceased to be human. I have fled from human society, severing ties with anyone that ever gave me any consideration, abandoning all communication. I've sought complete escapism from the real world by sealing myself off in a room for weeks at a time and indulging in countless distractions and fictitious worlds. Such drastic actions, brought forward constant suffering not only to myself, but also to the people who cared about me - and for that, I cannot forgive myself.
Now I find myself at the end of the road, with no more shortcuts to take, the only path that remains is the one towards death. It is a path that I alone have paved, and it's the one I deserve.
I struggled with the notions of what meant to be human, I can barely talk to people with no idea on what to say to them or how to say it. I seldom find myself able to carry out a normal conversation. I had no confidence whatsoever in my ability to speak or behave like a human being. Relationships, rules of engagement, social norms - all concepts I found confusing and awkward.
Many people can only hope to have the opportunities I've been given - A stable life, parents that offered their support in doing anything I wanted, all the time given to me such that I would be able to work on myself, and what was it that I accomplished with this life?
Nothing.
I squandered everything that was given to me, living in a constant state of carelessness, always choosing the easy way out of every conflict I've faced - such it is that it has led me to a life of misery. What is it that I wanted to do in life? I still have no idea. A question that haunts me to this day, always met with uncertainty. But the more I asked it, the clearer the answer became - I have to die. I want to die. There is no going back. There is nothing I can do. Nothing can help. I can only add more layers of suffering.
It's with these thoughts plaguing me that I have completely ceased to be human. I have fled from human society, severing ties with anyone that ever gave me any consideration, abandoning all communication. I've sought complete escapism from the real world by sealing myself off in a room for weeks at a time and indulging in countless distractions and fictitious worlds. Such drastic actions, brought forward constant suffering not only to myself, but also to the people who cared about me - and for that, I cannot forgive myself.
Now I find myself at the end of the road, with no more shortcuts to take, the only path that remains is the one towards death. It is a path that I alone have paved, and it's the one I deserve.
