3xhilarati0n's Recovery Journal

[3xhilarati0n]

Hi everyone, my name is 3xhilarati0n.

I would like to create my own diary here. A journal of sorts. I've never been any good at actual journaling, so maybe writing these posts on here will be more helpful / more my style.

My laptop sounds like a fucking meat grinder, I think the fan is broken. It's super distracting, but I'm going to try and write up something of substance regardless.

I've decided that I'm going to try to get better. I want to at least try. I want to try to give existence another real chance.

Everyday I will set myself small goals and document my progress. I will also document what I liked and disliked about each day.

It will be hard. It's going to be unbelievably fucking hard, but I'm going to try. Because somewhere along the way I've stopped trying to dig myself out of this hole. I've stopped taking care of myself.

I wanted to CTB badly the day before yesterday. But it's a good thing I didn't.
I also want to stress, that I don't say this to undermine anyone else's choice. I believe everyone chooses what's best for them. Whether that's CTB or an attempt at recovery.

It's just that at this point in time, I don't believe CTB would've been the right choice for me.
Honestly I'm really tired. My head feels heavy, my lumpy body not willing to move easily.

But I'm going to try and take this one day at a time.

 

[3xhilarati0n]

Today wasn't the best, my goals were to take a shower, fix my sleeping schedule and to go to uni. I only managed to do that first goal, I've fallen behind massively on my studies and I don't think I have a chance at graduating anymore. I can't even study properly with a broken laptop and I sleep through the entire day so I don't get anything done.

I hope I'm able to study for tomorrow's tests tonight and actually go to uni

 

[𝑹𝒂𝒘 𝑷𝒓𝒆𝒎𝒂𝒅𝒆 𝑷𝒊𝒛𝒛𝒂]

Hi! I really like the idea of a diary, I wish you the best!

 

[3xhilarati0n]

Okay, so turns out I lied and probably won't be updating every day lol
It's almost been a full week since my last post.
But the good news is that I'm feeling a lot better now, and I've actually been able to go to some uni classes this week. Even if I struggled to actually get anything done.
I feel like a big reason why I feel better is that I went to the doctor and he prescribed me some medication to help me sleep better, which apparently doubles as an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication.

I've been very much against medication for mental health issues for a long time because I've been on several different medications and they all just made me feel worse or had terrible side effects. So the fact that a GP has prescribed something more helpful than any psychiatrist is... surprising to say the least. But I'm not complaining. I'm well rested and therefore I'm content.

My laptop is still broken, noisy and obnoxious, but I'm going to try and get some studying done today anyway. I'm just worried that some neighbour will come and complain about the noise (yes, it is THAT loud). I wouldn't really want anyone to see my room right now, it's a mess. Think "depression room" type shit. But that's also slowly getting better. I'm making it get better. The floor is actually walkable now, I barely trip anymore.

Tomorrow is Monday. I'm really scared of Mondays. Might be my school/uni phobia combined with my social anxiety. Or just the general discomfort of having to exist in society. Or just exist. I'm not entirely sure. But I'm sure I'll be okay.

 

[3xhilarati0n]

I'm... actually managing? A little bit? Maybe even more than a little bit?

So, remember how I said I was afraid of Mondays? Well... I haven't really been to university this Monday. In fact, I haven't been to my Monday classes for a few weeks now, if not months. I'm probably going to fail them.

But other than that, I'm not doing too badly. Today I passed an exam and presented a project and both went well. So I won't fail some classes. And for now, that's more than enough for me.

I have found a vitamin/supplement combo that works surprisingly well to stabilise my mood. I've also started exercising (as of yesterday) and eating healthier. And I have uninstalled tiktok and games from my phone. My head feels... less cluttered?

My room is still a mess. I don't know why I can't just get over it and clean it. It just seems like such a daunting task, especially when I have other more important things to do.

My laptop has stopped acting up? Weirdly enough? I haven't taken it in to be fixed, but it's stopped making a lot of noise. I'll have it checked and cleaned anyway but for now I still need it to study.

I also started drinking tea again. I used to love drinking and collecting different kinds of tea. I'm not sure why I stopped. Perhaps for the same reason I stopped doing many of the things I loved.

Truthfully, since I'm doing better, I've thought about deleting my account on here. Only thing holding me back is that I know myself. I know my cycles of getting better only to get worse. I really, really want to believe that this time I can make it work. But I guess we will see.

 

[3xhilarati0n]

My laptop got fixed and has finally been returned to me.

Been feeling weird lately. I want to try and be better on one hand, but on the other hand... it's just so much work. So much work, such small results.

I wish I could just stay home and rest today. I feel awful. I might do that, even though I have two tests today. I probably wouldn't pass them either way.

This past week has been really amazing, it's just since Monday that I've been feeling worse again. Sometimes it only takes one trigger to send me spiralling down.

I've started overthinking again. Especially about my relationship. I often feel selfish, because I am broken and have so many mental issues. And my partner deserves someone whole, someone normal. I love him deeply, it's just upsetting that I feel like I don't have the mental ability / capacity to be there for him in the same way that he is for me.

My brain is being very unkind to me. Me and my partner are poly (with him having a second partner, and me currently only involved with him). However because he has that second partner I sometimes think to myself that at least he would still have someone if I were to dissapear. I don't like the fact that I think like this.

But I am, truly, really grateful for my metamour. I'm glad my partner has someone else to lean on.

 

[Rudi]

just read through all your entries til today. you're doing great progress. don't give up! i believe you got this! goodluck on your journey, i really wish the best for you.

 

[3xhilarati0n]

Been really upset lately.
Cocaine Jesus by RKS is a good song tho.

That's it, that's the update.

 

[The_Hunter]

Wow, honestly, you're making such great progress!! It may not feel like it but honestly seeing the [even seemingly small] changes is such a shine of hope here. Thank you very much for sharing your story. Best of wishes, friend.

 

[3xhilarati0n]

AHHHHH hi

I haven't been posting lately as I've been going through a rough patch mentally. Still am to be totally honest.

If you've read my previous posts you've probably seen me mention that I've been prescribed a medication that made me feel better.
Yeah, scratch that, okay?

I mean, it really DID make me feel better. For like 2 or 3 weeks. And then my body built up a tolerance to it and everything went to shit again, lol. Tried higher doses - didn't help.
I almost feel like it just started making me feel worse. And it didn't help that being on it the first two weeks or so felt just like how I imagine mentally healthy and normal people feel. It was amazing. I was doing amazing. Oh well.

I guess I'm heavily anti psych med again. Not like it ever was my intention to give meds of all things another shot. But I did, it was nice while it lasted, it stopped being nice and fucked me up worse in the process. Story of my life.
I should probably continue the supplements and vitamins though. I just haven't had the energy to (which is probably all the more reason why I really should).

As for some more positive updates, I feel not-as-bad. I've been struggling with suicidal ideation for the past couple weeks, and I can finally feel the thoughts quieten down. Enough to be able to think at least, which is nice. I don't think I would've been able to write up such a long post yesterday or the day before, so there is significant improvement.

Honestly, my favourite method of preventing myself from doing anything impulsively is just not having means to. If I had the stuff necessary to leave painlessly on hand - I probably would. But.. as long as I still have days when it's not-as-bad.. I don't really want to? I think I might just be scared of permanent commitments.

My partner is honestly an angel. Sometimes I feel like nobody should have to deal with such a mentally disturbed individual. But he's always such a loving, calming and caring presence in my life (even though we're long distance). I'm just really scared that I'm going to break him. It feels like I'm holding a beautiful, ornate, delicate teacup with my big, clumsy fingertips. I'm scared of being too much, of him abandoning me. Or worst of all – affecting him mentally, rubbing off on him. Because sometimes when I'm not doing good I don't think rationally about my behaviour. I no longer lash out like I used to years ago, but I still overshare about how I feel, and I know that can grow tiring…
Maybe I'm still subconsciously sabotaging our relationship? But I don't want to do that.. I want to be with him as long as possible…

When it comes to university, I'm plain fucked. And my parents have made it very clear that if I don't get my bachelor's degree this year, they no longer plan on helping me financially with my studies anymore. Or with anything, really.
So basically I either pass everything right the fuck now, or I'm left with no higher education. And as I mentioned before, I'm fucked. There's no way out of this mess now. There's no way I'll pass anymore.

Sometimes I regret they didn't throw me out sooner. Maybe then I would have found a job right after highschool and I would have my life a bit more figured out. Now I just feel like I wasted 4 years.
I didn't even WANT to go to university, at least not right after highschool. I didn't even know what I wanted to do with my life. But they were angry, yelling at me, threatening me with homelessness. And I certainly didn't feel ready to move out and start working at 18 (for various reasons). So I chose a random university, and a random course. Goddamn it… Now, even if I passed all my exams and stuff, and got the degree.. It's just useless. It's not going to help me with finding a job. I'm going to work my life away for minimal wage anyway. What's even the point?

But I guess I need to keep going. Not sure what for right now. Just for those not-as-bad days. Little moments with my partner. A good song. Standing in the sun. A cup of cold water. That feeling I get when I'm freshly showered. Singing. Cats. Mostly cats, probably.

 

[3xhilarati0n]

It's the middle of the night.

I only today managed to get out of a really rough depressive episode. In the morning I have a test that basically decides whether I will have to repeat a year of uni or not.

I have NOT studied.

I WILL be pulling an all nighter.

Wish me luck lol

 

[3xhilarati0n]

im still here btw. hope you're still here too.

 

[FishRain3469]

I'm glad you're still here, Thankyou for all of your posts sharing about your struggles/ accomplishments.

I can't relate to Everything, but a lot of it I do. I wish you Nothing but the best in whatever may happen. ♥

 

[3xhilarati0n]

Hi. I'm better.

It's hard to believe I'm even typing these words. But I truly got better. My depression is now officially in remission.

I told my family I was struggling. Came back to my family home, my home city from university. They got me professional help from an organisation specialising in Autism. I got referred to a psychiatrist, an actually good one. She prescribed me medication. I was sceptical, because I've been on so many meds and none of them worked, and if they did - only for a short time. This time proved to be different.

As of today, I have been on these medications for 2 months now. And my head is finally quiet. I can sometimes still feel all the constant bad thoughts I used to have cramped somewhere deep inside my head in a cage, gnawing at the bars. But they are no longer audible, no longer in front. As if a thick veil got placed between me and the bad stuff that made me constantly depressed and anxious.

It took a couple weeks, at first it felt pretty weird and I was constantly tired, but that weared off after about two weeks. My parents supported me as best they could through that period. And as soon as the medication effects fully kicked in, I regained clarity. My thoughts were mine again. I could think clearly. As soon as that happened I dropped out of uni.

I'm now working at a fast food chain restaurant, in a new city I moved to all on my own. I rent my own apartment. It's not much, a one bedroom studio. But I love it a lot. I've got my own balcony, my own kitchen and even a bathtub. I live near a lake. There are trees and flowers and greenery everywhere. There are also less cars and people, less noise and bright lights. So my tism, agoraphobia and social phobia are no longer acting up as much.

The city I moved to is smaller. Quieter. It's nice. People at work are nice. It's not much, a humble living. But honestly I'm happier than I've been in a long, long time. Can't remember the last time I've felt so at peace with life, really.

I also moved to the same city my boyfriend lives in. He's still living with his parents for now, but seeing each other more often has also given me the motivation and strength I needed. I feel like I really have purpose now.

It does get better. Don't stop trying. If I stopped I wouldn't be here now.