33yr old disgusting male virgin

[Skinny9]

33 yr old virgin male here. Struggling with depression and loneliness since i was 16. I really want to experience connection with women and intimacy, but i tgink its too late for that. I recently started experiencing symptoms of extreme shame and guilt about my self. I am a total disgrace for my family . I started ghosting all of my friends since i have no motivation or energy to meet. I see most of them have normal sexual lives and i just have nothing to say or participate. Started recently to cut my self with razor blade. Small cuts at first, progressively getting bigger. Seeing girls i would like to be with usually triggers the impulse to cut.
Recently i started fantasizing my funeral. Thinking about death gives me a big relief. I am starting to think about ending my life more seriously every day that passes by. My parents are good people and my death would be devastating to them, something that holds me back.
Sry for my bad English.
I dont know why i post this, guess just wanted to get it of my chest.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

Hey brother,

There are a few things that I really strongly believe in:
- That every struggle a person experiences can be authentic regardless of what others might think
- There's nothing wrong with experiencing life at your own pace, in your own unique way.

I don't mean that usual phrase of "its never too late". I mean that society (mostly through the internet and social media) puts these pressures and expectations on people on how should they live what should they experience by what age and so on. Of course there are conflicting opinions here which just highlights the absurditiy of it: you won't be perfect for everybody. There always going to be people saying you should live like xyz or do xyz.

You can be sad because you want a deep connection with a partner. It's possbile that some women would say that is a deal breaker but that doesn't make you a bad person. You won't be a bad person because you are a 30y, 40y, 50y whatever y old virgin.

What I'm trying to say is you desiring a deep connection with a woman is perfectly fine. You can be a bit down because you haven't experienced it yet. But please cut all that external pressure and opinions out because it doesn't do any good to anybody. It's horseshit. Plain and simple.

And I'm not going to sugarcoat it: yes there are women who'll say this is a deal breaker end of story. But I strongly believe that there are women out there who either don't give a damn about it or who simply like you enough that it is simply not a deal breaker.
If it bothers you that much you could also try the professional route until you get more comfortable. Whatever sounds doable for you.
Just remember: you are not a bad person because of this, it does not define you.

 

[TheVanishingPoint]

I'm so sorry to read this. It must be devastating to be a melancholic witness to impossible happiness. I hope you find peace.

 

[Skinny9]

Hey brother,

There are a few things that I really strongly believe in:
- That every struggle a person experiences can be authentic regardless of what others might think
- There's nothing wrong with experiencing life at your own pace, in your own unique way.

I don't mean that usual phrase of "its never too late". I mean that society (mostly through the internet and social media) puts these pressures and expectations on people on how should they live what should they experience by what age and so on. Of course there are conflicting opinions here which just highlights the absurditiy of it: you won't be perfect for everybody. There always going to be people saying you should live like xyz or do xyz.

You can be sad because you want a deep connection with a partner. It's possbile that some women would say that is a deal breaker but that doesn't make you a bad person. You won't be a bad person because you are a 30y, 40y, 50y whatever y old virgin.

What I'm trying to say is you desiring a deep connection with a woman is perfectly fine. You can be a bit down because you haven't experienced it yet. But please cut all that external pressure and opinions out because it doesn't do any good to anybody. It's horseshit. Plain and simple.

And I'm not going to sugarcoat it: yes there are women who'll say this is a deal breaker end of story. But I strongly believe that there are women out there who either don't give a damn about it or who simply like you enough that it is simply not a deal breaker.
If it bothers you that much you could also try the professional route until you get more comfortable. Whatever sounds doable for you.
Just remember: you are not a bad person because of this, it does not define you.

Thanks for the kind response.
I ve tried therapy for six years six years and multiple medication. My therapist suggested that i try the professional route as well. I ve tried a couple of times but i couldnt get it up (you know the cold clinical setting, where you know the other person is just acting).

I think high school experiences did it for me. You know being the weak nerdy guy and all that stuff. Never bullied or anything but, lets just say i learned what my place was in the sexual market.

When you re 33 and you havent even hold hands with a woman you know its over.
You know i was sad like 10 years ago. Now i just feel this extreme shame for the person i am and a life not lived. Its grief i think.
Deep down i feel that my life truly is over, I feel this extreme exhaustion every day.

Cutting my self is a way of punishment for me i think. Although those wounds that i make are pathetic, i want to make them bigger.

I dont think i am a bad person, just a failure, a pathetic weakling, a slug.
I tried to quit my job a couple of months ago cause i couldnt find the strength to continue but some colleagues convinced me to keep on a little longer.
I just dont want to live my house anymore, there is nothing for me out there.

The grave is a constant thought of mine. i keep thinking of the flowers, the smell, how i would like to decorate it. I think i will start visiting graveyards to make my self more comfortable with death.
Anyways sry if all of this sounds like attention seeking (maybe it is.. even through anonymity). I know there are people that have experienced much more difficult lives than mine. And thanks for your time and response.

 

[Abyss Dweller]

If you allow me one more reflection.
I know I sound like a broken record but you are not a failure you are not a pathetic weakling you are not a slug. I don't care what kind of agenda or whatever society tries to push on us until we internalize it and make it our own: it is still horseshit.

The reason I'm so focused on this is because I really believe that if say we operate out all this 'other people's opinion' out of you what would we be left with? Probably with a guy who really wants a girlfriend and who is sad he doesn't have one atm. But that's it. All the other stuff feels like is coming from society's opinion on when you should do what. But as I pointed it out it is horseshit. No buts. It is horse-doodo. :D

And one small other thing regarding the professional route: would it help if you told the girl beforehand? That was my experience basically saying 'hey I might not get hard and if I do I might not be able to ejaculate' . And if that happens there are still stuff that you can do (hands, mouth) and you can find a professional who is understanding with this and can work with you. So idk you go to her multiple times and keep it light and maybe you'll have more success when you know her a bit more and are more comfortable around her. And again there are other stuff you can do and/or there are also plant based performance enhancers that you can try out.

My summary on this is: we men are not sex machines who can get hard by just a snap of our fingers. It doesn't work like that. There's nothing wrong with you. And as I said there are multiple things you can still do, you can try some products etc. Just focus on: "hey im going to have fun with this beautiful girl.. if I get hard cool if I don't get hard cool.. whatever"

 

[Ligottian]

Take this solace, if you can, from your virginal state. There is no chance you were a party to bringing another human into this hellworld.

 

[unluckysadness]

Hi, I'm struggling with severe anxiety and loneliness since i was 16 too. And it costs me a lot to say this, but I'm 10 year older than you and I'm a virgin male too. I know how it feels. It's terrible. In the past I didn't know anything about autism spectrum, so comparing myself with other has always been a huge torture. Now I know my brain is different, but it's too late, lost time can no longer be made up. I think I've accepted this situation with time. What bothers me now is my rare disease I have since 5 years and this fucking anxiety since my birth.

Thanks for posting your story. That's really brave of you. You're definitively not alone. People in their 50's, 60's and more have this problem too but it remains a taboo in our society. If you want to PM I'm here

 

[death_bed221]

While yea a lot of men by your age experience sex with women pretty much none experience intimacy with them. They pretend to be someone they are not to have sex with them and feel empty later cuz they they know as soon as they let any semblance of themself or emotion, the women will leave them. Everything is performative. Women want a men that is tall and makes more money they do. This is not some incel talking point, just look at the stats. The whole true love thing is just a fantasy 99% of people never get. Look at divorce or cheating rates. Find some hobby and try to bleed this life of any sort of enjoyment it has.

 

[dead dav]

33 yr old virgin male here. Struggling with depression and loneliness since i was 16. I really want to experience connection with women and intimacy, but i tgink its too late for that. I recently started experiencing symptoms of extreme shame and guilt about my self. I am a total disgrace for my family . I started ghosting all of my friends since i have no motivation or energy to meet. I see most of them have normal sexual lives and i just have nothing to say or participate. Started recently to cut my self with razor blade. Small cuts at first, progressively getting bigger. Seeing girls i would like to be with usually triggers the impulse to cut.
Recently i started fantasizing my funeral. Thinking about death gives me a big relief. I am starting to think about ending my life more seriously every day that passes by. My parents are good people and my death would be devastating to them, something that holds me back.
Sry for my bad English.
I dont know why i post this, guess just wanted to get it of my chest.

First you are not a disgrace to anyone you have a mental illness there is no shame in being a virgin and love may come at any age ignore social medias false take on life everyone is different as for fantasising about dying I do that too I imagine different ways of dying apparently it's something to do with my mental health possible ocd

 

[PrincessSaturn]

I hope you find peace. It's tragic that some people walk the earth and feel basically invisible. I don't think you're a disgrace or should feel shame because you're lonely. People say comparison is the thief of joy but it feels nearly impossible NOT to compare yourself when it seems like happiness comes so easily to everyone else.