HowlingCoyote
" and i said hell is the sun, "
- Jan 14, 2026
- 21
i've been stuck in a pathetic, sad, miserable loop since i was 6 years old. it's been never-ending pain and suffering and mental anguish. every time something good happens in my life, there's about a million bad things that happen soon after, i can never be happy. i'm convinced i was not meant to exist on this earth. i'm defying the odds by simply being here, because everything goes wrong, everything wants me dead. i've survived so many attempts and pussied out so many times, its pathetic. i'm pathetic. i'm 20 years old already struggling, i have no hope left. i turn 21 in february, and i cant even be excited for that. the only thing i'm excited for is the chance to legally drink the pain away until my liver fails. ive had 3 relationships fail in the span of 2 years, and my current boyfriend brought up wanting to break up with me 2 weeks ago. he hasnt even done that yet. he keeps pushing the date, making me wait longer. saying he knows its "for the best" but he can't decide. just make a decision already and leave me like everyone else. im so in love with him, he's the only person that understands me, but i cant even have that. i was never meant to have that. i was never meant to be happy. my work might fire me, i live in my uncles basement barely taking care of myself or my environment, i have no one i can really lean on. i have friends but they dont even care about me. they could give less of a shit if i disappear tomorrow. i'm always caring about people more than they care for me. i put so much time and money into people who are just going to walk away from me. it happens again and again, i just want to give up. i cant do this anymore. im in therapy but she doesnt help, last time i went to the psych ward i was sexually assaulted by another patient, i left that place more traumatized than when i came out. my meds dont even help. nothing helps me. im not supposed to be here. one more bad thing will be my breaking point, and i wont fail again. i cant take it anymore, i need a break, im begging for something to make me happy, someone to stay. i just need something that wont be taken away from me. i joined here because i just want somewhere where i dont feel so alone, where i can finally feel like i belong. i dont belong anywhere else. ive always felt out of place.
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