1. What was your first ever attempt like? 2. Does anybody here remember their first time contemplating this and other NSSI?

[El Fin]

1. What was your first ever attempt like?
2. Does anybody here remember their first time contemplating this and other NSSI?

[VENT] ; {SKIP! :) }
I vividly remember being 11 and making a little cut on my index finger.... downhill from there. I believe i had problems before, i wouldn't be able to sleep without crying almost everyday because i was convinced i was a horrible, incompetent human being -- doesn't sound too serious, but it fucked up my little, fragile & developing mind. It didn't help that i had always portrayed myself in a way to achieve praise from the elders, people pleasing was second nature. which is why, as a kid, i learned that showing affection, asking for help, etc -- meant you were too clingy, too dependent, too childish (even tho you literally were a child). I distanced myself, kept to myself, played the perfect kid, and "succeeded".

There was a vast period of time with familial problems. I felt as though i had to fill in the shoes of my parents for my sibling, to ensure they don't do what i did, (sh, develop an ed), but it still happened, glad they were able to convince my parents for therapy(once) tho... i was never bold enough to even bring it up. The problems worsened for a few years, with one of my parent's religious ocd and other parent's anxiety -- kept me walking on eggshells, tho now, everything is normal(they still haven't accepted they have issues, but they manage now)... i can't talk to them...the things that happened altered my perception vastly..

Now in college, i spend hours isolating, have OD-ed on ambien, (didn't work- surprise, surprise!), just lost and the sh is back, grades are dipping low, ... and professors think that ain't like me (i was scoring way higher before), but the maladaptive daydreaming (5 years spent doing it, roughly 12 hours a day, 7 hours on a good day.) keeps me away from seeking help. Also, weird thing i noticed --colleagues/classmates know about this, ive talked to em and obv, they have no obligation to help me or empathise, but they are so evidently idk...happy. Happy that i've stopped trying, stopped studying..maybe i'm looking too much into it. I really can't describe it, people in my head keep talking to me all day in the background (if that makes sense?) i obviously don't want to instil any feelings of disgust or startle anybody i know by confessing to these feelings.

My mind has been plagued for quite a while, with these constant, unbearable thoughts of CTB. The problem is my foot is firmly planted on both sides -- wanting to live and wanting to die, therefore, i can't really move forward/improve either; i dont know what i want, my parents are good people, they are not inherently bad, they've gone through shit, whilst taking care of us. and me ctb would make them spiral, sadden them. However, my brain is fried, its attention seeking, it latches onto the person who shows me the slightest bit of empathy. i understand these problems aren't too serious, infact, they are quite trivial in comparison to what could've been, however, im not at peace, at all.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never properly attempted as after all I exist in this horrific reality where I'm so cruelly denied the option to never suffer ever again, I always suffer so unbearably from being trapped in this terrible, torturous and dreadful existence I just always saw as the most cruel, terrible mistake.

The fact that painless, guaranteed death is denied for me is such a horrific crime, there's just so much extreme cruelty in how humans want to force others to be tortured in this existence for as much and as long as possible, I find it so horrifying how there is no limit as to how much one can be tortured in this reality, it's so terrifying to me how trying to cease existing can go wrong and lead to way worse torture. In my case I've always and only wished for the peace of non-existence, to me existence itself is a terrible mistake that just causes endless amounts of cruelty, harm and suffering and I just don't want to suffer, I don't want to be tortured by this existence rather all I want is peace, to be conscious in this existence is such a terrible abomination, for me only non-existence is positive, I just want to erase this dreadful, cruel existence.

 

[ginko0]

It was the shittiest attempt ever since I knew nothing and made the mistake of trusting chatgpt. Put a belt around my arm's chair, put my head in and laid down. Surely enough it just gave me a headache.

 

[nool]

1. What was your first ever attempt like?

My first (and only) attempt was a whirlwind of emotions. I have a horrible memory, so I'll try to describe it:

First, it was waking up with the feeling of acceptance. Knowing that this was going to happen, that I wanted this, that it'll be over soon. Next was when I had prepared everything and was sitting there, with KN in hand, thinking to myself; "Am I really going to do this?" Then, the overwhelming fear when it failed and I began throwing up. My brain just went into self-preservation mode and I ended up calling a family member. The last big emotion I experienced was when I began going in and out of consciousness. It was bliss. A glimpse of what it could've been like had I not fucked everything up. After that, I just felt emotionally numb.

It was... enlightening, really. No words can truly explain the process, both physically and emotionally. But once you experience it once, it'll be something that sticks with you. I constantly search for that bliss I felt in that moment, but nothing comes close.

2. Does anybody here remember their first time contemplating this and other NSSI?

Self-harm has always been in the back of my mind. I tried cutting once when I was like 11, but it never caught on. I truly started cutting when I was about 16 but was caught and couldn't continue because I began being watched. However, nobody knows to watch me for EDs so I've turned to starving myself for an ounce of control.

 

[OliverGarden]

I was 7. Being bullied a lot, no friends, hating myself, finding out I'm gay... I took a knife, and tried to stab myself clean through the stomach, but I hesitated too much and it only left a tiny dot-like scar. Nowadays it's basically invisible and sits just a tiny bit below my ribcage o.O

 

[CGN83]

My first attempt was pathetic. Paracetamol, naively thinking that'd do the trick

Went on to experiment with plenty of other meds, which were stronger and eventually onto a massive OD of super strength anti-psychotics which I thought done the trick when I ended up unconscious, but here I am. I've given up on prescribed drugs, it's just a waste of time.

 

[goldenwitch]

Tried jumping off 'tall places' at 7. Needless to say, what a 7 year old considers tall is different from what an adult might. Granted, I tried jumping out the window too, but my mom pulled me back and gave me a smack lol

 

[Bitter Almonds]

PSH. I don't know why it wasn't working but I never felt anything more than uncomfortable.

 

[El Fin]

I truly wish I could give everyone here a hug... thinking about these things as early as the age of 7, is bound to mess a person's head up...It is incredibly sad that people around us really are blind sometimes and don't pick up on such behaviour, however, it is not too late... We can at least try to change things, give ourselves a chance to improve...ik it sounds too fucking exhausting, and it is, but we owe it to ourselves to try once, just once.

 

[dragonofenvy]

I was 8 years old on a hunting trip with my father and his friend. When nobody was around I put my shotgun against my head and wondered if things would be better if I pulled the trigger. It was an errant impulse that lasted only a few seconds. I reasoned to myself at the time that I still had a lot more time ahead of me, and that everything would surely be better when I was an adult, right? To this day I regret not pulling the trigger.

 

[martyrdom]

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[xBrialesana]

I truly wish I could give everyone here a hug... thinking about these things as early as the age of 7, is bound to mess a person's head up...It is incredibly sad that people around us really are blind sometimes and don't pick up on such behaviour, however, it is not too late... We can at least try to change things, give ourselves a chance to improve...ik it sounds too fucking exhausting, and it is, but we owe it to ourselves to try once, just once.

I understand El Fin and I, and so many others would so heavily appreciate that hug….
I have been grappling lately with my thoughts, and in a non self pity way been analyzing things, and I don't know how to explain it but I'm not sad for me, I'm sad that life could be such a way. I am sad for humanity. I don't know how to explain? Like I see world news, and I am so sad that this could be life for anyone…. Yk?
I look at my past and am not angry anymore, but SAD that the adults in my life were so miserable that they became so abusive.
I am SAD that I lived the youth that I lived. Again, not pity but the thought of a child living that just makes me SAD??? I am sad, again that the adults in that life were so miserable and sad.
I am sad for the suffering people of Gaza, and they are SO STRONG??! IT MAKES ME SAD LOL.
I am sad that people could cheer us bombing Venezuela of all places. The blind, uneducated hate makes me SAD. 3 American citizens have been killed in the past couple months by ICE, WHICH DOESNT EVEN HAVE AUTHORITY OVER OUR CITIZENS, and people have cheered??? SAD. SAD ANGER AND HATE IN THE WORLD